The Annals of Mr. Hyde

Closing Time

2007-03-20T12:49:00.000-05:00

I'm done looking at that fucking picture of Echo and Narcissus. I'm done writing about Narc. I'm done analyzing this "non-relationship." I'm done hiding my life in the shadows.

I'm moving my blog. I hate the current address. It reminds me of why I moved it here to begin with-- because I was running from Narc and running from myself. I'm starting over.

Here's my new address: http://hyderesurrected.blogspot.com/

I'll leave the archives up over here.

I need to take a breath.

So long, Hyde and Narc!

love,

h

It is Finished

2007-03-19T17:15:00.000-05:00

March 19th, 4:42 pm:

Been good. CT scan last week, just about clear, so health is good. PopStar back, strange, disorienting, but think we'll do all right. Move in next week. Much change.

March 19th, 4:44 pm:

Also offered job on Friday, part time from home, $600 or more a week, will probably take it. And so Narc joins the working world...!

The End.

Morning has Broken

2007-03-19T10:19:00.000-05:00

He has broken his silence and written me a text. He alerted me to the new series about the Tudors on Showtime with Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Henry VIII. "How've you been?" he asks.

Of course, I wrote back immediately:

I'm excited for that one! I've been good...Busy. Painting icons, preparing for that conference in a few weeks, catching up on Rome, singing with a new teacher, hanging out with a lot of new people, etc. I miss you though. How have YOU been?

Of course, he didn't respond.

His message was a test. Is Hyde still there? The answer was "yes." No need to go any further.

-h-

Never Offer Your Heart to Someone Who Eats Hearts

2007-03-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm a little tired and still depressed.

Last night I tried to blog, but I couldn't write much. I had just gotten back from a visit to Forest Hills where I saw The Namesake with BigSis and Bro-in-Law. My mom and LilSis met us for a late lunch, but headed home before the movie. My mom gave me another ring for my 10 months. She's obsessed with giving me jewelry lately. (She gave me a massive opal and diamond cocktail ring that had belonged to my grandmother when I hit six months.) This one has three diamonds and two tiny sapphires and I'm guessing is white gold. It belonged to my great grandmother--my namesake... or I guess I'm her namesake. Whatever...

I had fallen behind in watching Rome, so this weekend I got to catch up with three episodes in a row. I have a crush on Mark Anthony. Ha ha... having a crush is fun. I'm obsessed with that show right now.

But for some reason, I have a headache this morning that I can't quite get rid of. I miss Narc so much.

Yesterday morning I went to a women's meeting and then out to lunch with the ladies. On Friday afternoon I had lunch with some women from the program as well.

I still miss Narc. It hurts.

B is coming over this afternoon. I didn't write about this, but on Friday he and I had a huge fight, but we made up quickly. Drippy is trying to get rid of me. It's not going to happen. I don't think she realizes that B and I are like family and we're all going to have to get used to each other. I have no interest in making her unhappy or coming between them. And I'm a little resentful that I have to deal with this added stress due to their arguing and her insecurity.

In any case, I've been reading a book about Mystical Theology and the Eastern Church. (My mom couldn't stop laughing that that's what I chose for "pleasure reading.") I just finished a chapter on "Negative Theology." The idea is basically that we can't define God by what he is. We can only define God by what he is not. He is not anything known or knowable in the world. The idea, when I actually tried to wrap my mind around it, was literally "mind blowing"-- incomprehensible. For the first time, I felt a religious impulse, not just of trying to "understand," but one of worship-- a very foreign feeling for me when it comes to religion, for despite my obsession with love and sublimation, I'm pretty much a philosophic thinker, and not one to embrace the darkness of ignorance that is required to "transcend" knowledge in mystical theology. Anyway, I realized that I have a craving for worship. I've just misdirected it in horrible ways. I worship love. I worship what I call love, even if it's not... I worship Narc. Talk about misdirecting that impulse!

My mom has always loved a poem by Alice Walker-- "Never Offer Your Heart to Someone who Eats Hearts"

Never offer your heart to someone who eats hearts
who finds heartmeat delicious but not rare
who sucks the juices drop by drop
and bloody-chinned grins like a God.

Never offer your heart to a heart gravy lover.
Your stewed, over-seasoned heart consumed
he will sop up your grief with bread
and send it shuttling from side to side in his mouth like bubblegum.

If you find yourself in love with a person who eats hearts
these things you must do:
Freeze your heart immediately.
Let him—next time he examines your chest—find your heart cold flinty and unappetizing.

Refrain from kissing
lest he in revenge
dampen the spark in your soul.

Now, sail away to Africa
where holy women await you on the shore—
long having practiced the art
of replacing hearts with God and Song.

And I've also been listening to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah over and over. I think there's the same message in both-- somewhere along the line, our religious impulse gets misappropriated by our love impulse and we are disempowered. We get lost. Both seem to have the same message of redemption in a "higher power." And I've been thinking of my women's meetings as my personal little "sail away to Africa."

Anyway, B just called and I've got to go meet him for lunch. But I just wanted to put up a quick post of some of my musings for the morning...

love,
h

Empty

2007-03-15T19:57:00.000-05:00

I want to write something-- I've been wanting to write for the past day or two, but I keep coming up empty.

On Tuesday I sang for Cherubino's voice teacher-- a very well known teacher in the city. It was a wonderful experience in very many ways. I have always had an "indeterminate fach"-- I started as a mezzo, and my previous voice teacher refused to "label me." But this new woman?

"My dear, you're a dramatic soprano! Without a doubt!" she declared.

She also told me that I should stop trying to sing light and forward and to use the back of my head more. It created a whole new sound and was much easier to do. I would love, love, LOVE to take lessons with her, but I really can't afford them right now. So, I'm putting it in on the back burner for a few days. I'll deal with it when I can breathe.

Yesterday was a marathon work day. I had an assignment due in class at 6:30 pm. I figured that if I started working at 9:30 am (after teaching my morning class), I should be able to get it done. Au contraire! I worked like a dog for seven hours non-stop without a break for food or the bathroom. That involved a commute between my office at the college and the New York Public Library where I sat in the reading room, furiously taking notes for three hours. At 4:30 I took an hour break because I thought I might lose my mind. I wasn't able to finish in time for class. I hit the computer again at 5:30 and worked straight through until 11:00 pm, missing class but getting the paper emailed off to my professor before midnight. This is the first time I've handed something in on its due date in two years. Pretty miraculous. I have a lot to be grateful for, I guess.

I also spoke to two "newcomers" on the phone yesterday. I'm so used to playing the innocent "victim" role that it's kind of strange for me to have to get out of myself and be there for these women who are even closer to their chaos than I am. It was kind of interesting. One girl I really liked. She lives in my neighborhood and studies Astronomy up at Columbia. I guess I'll call her "StarGazer."

Anyway, I barely got any sleep last night and woke up this morning with a "hangover" from too much work the day before. I don't know how I survived my teaching. My throat hurt and I felt really gross. But then I remembered that I used to feel like that EVERY SINGLE DAY and I felt grateful for the little things.

After teaching, I came home and went to bed and then showered and polished my nails. I haven't been dressing up or paying attention to my makeup lately. I've been in blue-sweatshirt and sneakers mode non-stop. Before AA tonight I actually took the time to do the dramatic makeup I used to love to do. I want to start feeling good again, but it's hard.

I think about Narc literally every five minutes. Everything... EVERYTHING triggers a thought of him. I need to protect myself the best I can. Because every time I think of him, I feel a little sick. I'm nauseated and not eating much this week. I think it's how I was able to plow through that work day without eating on Wednesday-- there was nothing I hungered for. There IS nothing I hunger for except him. There's no room for any hunger except my hunger for him. I feel like my love, without an outlet is devouring me from the insides out. And all I can think of is that he's with another woman.

But I don't want to think about this anymore right now or write about it either. It's out of my control and it's really unhealthy to dwell on it. If I don't get off the topic fast, I will without a doubt drink or have a breakdown.

Things have only been made worse by the fact that Brick has surprisingly cut off all contact with me. I called/texted him three or four times this week, telling him that I'm hurt and asking him why he's not talking to me. He hasn't responded. I miss him a lot and this really hurts. It really hurts. But, I guess he doesn't need me anymore. I guess he was just a user. I don't know what else to think. Again-- it's out of my control.

On Tuesday night, I was playing with fire. I was thinking about Brick and missing him. I went to the Townhouse-- one of the piano bars that Brick and I frequented over the summer when we were counting days. PonyTailBoy is bartending there now on Tuesday nights. I walked there from AA and sat at the bar and sipped diet coke and watched some documentary about gay porn on the plasma screen floating above PonyTailBoy's head. It was really graphic. I saw one too many enemas. Anyway, I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have been sitting in a bar. I was angry, though. I was mad at Brick and mad at Narc. How can two people who I love so much and who I've consistently been there for-- how can they throw me away like that? Aren't they worried about me at all? I started thinking that I should take a drink just to show them... just to show them how much I am hurting, how much I am falling apart. I'm tired of being strong. I want to be carried.

But then I got really scared. That line of thinking made way too much sense to me and I knew it was dangerous-- that it could kill me, but I couldn't get up. Then the phone rang. It was B.

"I'll call you back in a sec," I said.

It was enough to jerk me back into reality. Brick is not worth my sobriety. Narc is not worth my sobriety. NOTHING is as important as my sobriety. I bolted from the bar.

I haven't seen Narc in nearly three weeks. I think that this is it. I have no other choice. Believe me-- if I had the choice, I would see him... I would take whatever crumb he'd toss my way. But he's not tossing.

On my way to the meeting tonight I passed PumpedUp's dad on the street.

"Hyde! How have you been? Still not drinking?" he smiled.

"Yeah... heading towards 11 months," I smiled back.

"Come back! Come back to us, Hyde," he laughed. "We need to pay our rent."

He's made that joke to me before. I used to revel in it. But don't you think it's a little tasteless at this point?

Anyway, I saw my new "sober sister" at the meeting today-- Leseco.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm okay," I said.

I am okay. I'm surviving. I'm living. I'm working. I'm talking to as many new women as I can. I'm fellowshipping. I'm reading.

But, I'm empty.

And God oh God, I still love Narc.

It hurts how much I still love Narc.

Will I ever know a love that doesn't hurt?

-h-

Death? Or a Meeting?

2007-03-12T08:50:00.000-05:00

I knew it! I knew it! I KNEW something was wrong.

Last night, Dan called me as I was drifting off to sleep. I thought it was Narc. It wasn't. Dan broke his nose. I was sorry to hear about that.

This morning I woke up still in the dark. My alarm went off. I thought it was Narc. It wasn't. It was just the alarm.

I raced from bed to check my email. He hadn't written back. I knew he was with someone else. I thought he might have gone out of town with someone new... or to Russia to see PopStarChick. Then I remembered that he can't travel due to his condition.

Maybe he's dead, I thought. Maybe he's lying dead on his apartment floor and no one knows.

The longer I sat there staring blankly at my computer, my heart in my throat, the surer I was. I wrote an email to my sponsor.

I am trying to reassure myself and tell myself that this is a crazy line of thinking, but the more I think about the possibility of something being seriously wrong, the more I am able to rationalize another attempted contact with him.

Save me from this psycho thinking!!! I've only been awake for ten minutes and this is what's relentlessly going through my head.

"Relentless" was right. Relentless.

Am I a crazy woman? Or just an alcoholic.

I took a cab to work this morning. On the way here I passed a bar where Narc once ordered Scotch eggs and made me pay. Do you guys remember that night? I'm sure you don't. Was it last March already? Actually, come to think of it-- that wasn't the bar at all. It was a different block. I lent him money that night and was mad about it. Why am I nostalgic for it now.

We hit 10th avenue. I remembered that night after his trip to Europe-- I was afraid to call him, but I did... and then I went to teach a night class. And when I got out, he had called me back and said something about coming down to his place to watch The Apprentice. That was a year and a half ago. Damn it. Was it really?

All I can think of is him. It's hell living in my head right now. Hell! Hell! Hell!

Living hell.

I want to get out of here so badly. But, how the fuck am I supposed to get out of my own head if I can't take a drink?

I taught my class. It was about Islam. And then the Franks. We were finishing one chapter and starting another. My stomach started to cramp.

I came back to my office with a student. He needed me to sign some paper in order for him to get double-time on his exam. He has a learning disability. I couldn't wait for him to leave so that I could check my email.

And there it was:

Always fretting, you are!! Worry not my dear, just been extraordinarily busy as of late--haven't been keeping with quite a few people as a result (yourself included). Also, PopStar just back in from Moscow, so figuring out all of that etc.

Pushing on with a few projects, will write or give a call soon

--Narc

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!! It had been too long.

I'm going to die.

I'm numb, but in fact, I'm sure of it-- I'm going to die any minute now.

I want to go home and get into bed and shred my arm into streaming red ribbons of pain.

I drafted an email to my therapist telling him I needed to meet him immediately. Then I erased it and cancelled it. Maybe that's too extreme. I don't want to bother him.

Then I called my sponsor and left her a voice mail.

"Give me a call when you get out of work," I said. "I need to talk to you. But, sorry if my obsessiveness is annoying. Do you really want me to call you whenever I have a problem? Sorry if it's too much..."

And then I sat down in my desk chair and my chest hurt and my eyes hurt too. Is it weird for my eyes to hurt? They won't focus on much except for a few bright spots on the wall.

I look down at my arms and imagine them in flames. I look down at my legs and imagine them melting off. I can smell it. It's disgusting. But it doesn't hurt. It's not working. It doesn't feel like anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel ANYTHING. I want to scream. How is it possible to hurt so intensely and feel nothing at the same time?

I called Slope.

"What's up?" she asked.

"I need a meeting or I'm going to die," I said, flatly. "What time is that meeting you go to in the afternoons?"

"12:30," she said. "What's going on?"

"I might die," I told her.

"What?"

"It's nothing," I laughed.

How can I still laugh?

"I'm okay. I'm just being dramatic."

(Am I?)

"It's just that he wrote back."

I read her the email.

"I totally know how you feel," she said. "I've been just there. Wanna get breakfast?"

"Yes."

"Don't call him though," she said.

"I'm not going to call him. There's nothing to say. That's not what I'm afraid of. I'm not afraid of calling him. I'm afraid I might take a razor and rip my forearms to shreds. I'm afraid I might carve this moment into my leg-- carve him into my leg... and that way I can't lose it... can't lose him. I want to crawl into bed and stay there until its soaked with my blood and I don't exist anymore except for a bloody bed and that way I'll just be in bed forever and there's no more of any of this."

Did I just say that? Or did I leave a lot of it out?

"Don't do that either," she said.

What did I say to her?

"I don't really want to," I told her. "I don't. I'm fine. I'm just being dramatic. It's just that I don't know what else to do."

Time has stopped. I am stuck.

"I need a meeting," I told her. "I want to stop hurting myself over him."

"Okay. So... the meeting's at 12:30. How about we meet at 11:30?" she suggested.

"Okay. I'll see you then."

"Will you be okay?"

"Yeah, of course!" I laughed. "I'm in my office til then anyway."

I smiled even though I am sitting here alone. Did I really just smile?

I need a meeting.

I need a meeting.

I went to three yesterday. I'm going to at least two today.

I need...

I need something.

So... PopStarChick is back.

I KNEW something was wrong.

Something was very, very wrong.

WRONG.

-h-

Dissipation

2007-03-11T16:56:00.000-05:00

I will never get used to people I care about disappearing into thin air. I have resigned myself to the fact that Brick and I are no longer friends... just acquaintances who once "counted days" together. I sent him a text on Friday asking: Are we still friends?

Yes dear, he wrote.

And then yesterday I heard from him again: I do need my clothes though... i am going to the Florida roundup.

That's that.

As for Narc? I can't stand it. I really and truly can't stand it. I feel like my insides are digesting themselves and it hurts and it leaves me a general quivering mess.

I called him on Friday night and left him a dumb-ass message. And then, today I sent him an email. (Monumentally marked in my mind, of course, as "one final try.")

Hey...

I'm feeling really bad. I don't understand why you're not talking to me. Is this it? Are you never going to talk to me again? If so, I'll try to forget about our friendship. But could you please at least explain? I'm confused and I'm feeling rejected and frustrated and hurt.

I've tried to be a good friend to you-- the best that I know how, anyway. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you.

Thanks.
Hyde

Pathetic, no?

In the meanwhile, B called me last night after 11:00, which is unusual for him. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me that he and Drippy were fighting because she feels like I don't make an effort to be her friend. I was dumbfounded, as I've made what I consider to be a supreme effort to be her friend! Starting in November, 2005-- I asked the two of them out for dinner, I invited her to see Rent with my friends, I invited her to a dinner party this summer (and to karaoke with my friends) and I invited her to my birthday party!

"She says that she always comes to your stuff but--"

"But what?" I demanded. "She has never invited me to anything. Not ONCE! And the other day when I called you, she picked up the phone and I said 'Hi Drippy, how are you?' and she just said 'hold on' and disappeared off the phone without any niceties at all!"

"She said that she could hear in your tone that you didn't want to talk to her."

"That's ridiculous," I said. "And that's her insecurity and her problem-- not mine. I'm doing my best."

"She said that you never want to come to our house."

"First of all, B, she never invited me. And second of all-- you're right. I don't want to come to your house. I have a lot of mixed feelings about our relationship and I have a lot of work to do on myself and it will drag up feelings for me that I don't want to confront. Those are my problem, of course, but I'm not going to put myself in something that I'm not ready for. I'm willing to get together with her, get to know her, whatever. Anyway, this is ridiculous. If she has a problem with me, put her on the phone. Let her tell me herself!"

"Hold on," he said, a sigh in his voice.

He was gone for a few minutes. Clearly she refused to talk to me.

"Look, I love you," I said to him. "I have no vested interest in making a problem for you or Drippy. For God's sake! I'm laying here in bed reading a book about Obsessive Love! Clearly I'm wrapped up in Narc. Tell her that I mean her no harm or stress..."

"It would be nice if you would write her an email saying that," he said.

"If I do, I'll do it for you," I told him. "But it's not my responsibility to reassure her. The same way it's not her responsibility to write to me and reassure me that she's not going to interfere in our friendship. If I am insecure about it, I'll deal with it in therapy. Let her go to therapy or at least confront me if she has some concern..."

After we hung up, I felt bad that B is stuck in the middle like that, so I did write an email. To both of them. Here's what I said:

Dear B and Drippy,

I just wanted to write you guys a quick note to let you know how much I wish you both happiness. I am looking forward to a lifetime of friendship with both of you. And of course, that includes getting to know Drippy better over time.

If you'd like to get together for lunch or dinner sometime this week or next, let me know.

Lots of love,
Hyde

B wrote back to me right away this morning:

Thanks, H--this definitely helps. I overslept and have to run to church (doh!!!!!) so let's talk later!

-b

And then I heard from Drippy:

If you're free on Thursday or Friday perhaps you'd like to come by for lunch. I don't know B's schedule, though, so I can't speak for him but I'm sure he's free one of those days. There are a bunch of great places to eat around here, (see the map I made on my signature below) and I've been asking B to invite you over for a long time now.

Drippy

p.s. I've been too busy to do much of anything, much less plan events, but I've been meaning to ask you to help me throw a small surprise 30 and 1/2 birthday party for B. I thought it would be cute and completely unexpected. I'm not sure if I manage on my own, though, since the rest of the semester is just going to get more crazy, so I'd appreciate a hand.

I don't know if it's just me, but I have SO many problems with this. I'm late for AA though, and don't want to get scolded (again!) by my sponsor, so I have to run.

More later...

-h-

I'm having...

2007-03-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

...a hard time.

:(

The Breath of Life

2007-03-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

It's been a hard weekend, but a good one. My emotions are just all over the place these days!

On Friday night, I made out with TT. On Saturday, I was blown off by Narc. It wasn't easy. I haven't heard a peep out of him since I sent that email. I don't know what that means. I don't know what he's thinking. But, my sponsor told me that my primary job when it comes to Narc is to stop trying to figure out what he's thinking. I'm trying to take her suggestions. It's so hard though. All I can think of is that this is all my fault-- if I didn't tell him that I was upset he threw away my Valentine... if I didn't tell him it bothered me that PopStar's picture was still up on his desktop... Oh well...

I couldn't fall asleep at all on Friday night. As such, I overslept and missed the women's meeting that I like to go to on Saturday mornings. I decided to head to a 10:30 beginners meeting instead-- one where I knew I would find Brick. I haven't hung out with Brick since Sunday, February 18th. It was really nice to see him again because I miss him, but at the same time, it was all tempered with semi-repressed anger. I feel completely blown off by him... blown off and used. When he needs me, he's omnipresent. When he doesn't feel like making the effort to make plans or stay in touch, he disappears. It doesn't matter what I need. Of course not...

"Are we ever going to hang out again?" I asked Brick.

"Of course," he said. "Why don't you meet me at noon tomorrow for a meeting and then we can hang out after that-- a Brick and Hyde day!"

"Okay, but you better not cancel on me!"

After the meeting, Brick asked if I wanted to get lunch with him and a friend of his, but I couldn't-- I had plans to meet B. I headed to a diner in midtown. The weather was perfect. On my walk home from the diner, my phone rang. It was an "unknown caller" and so I picked up.

"Hello? This is OddBall," came a voice on the other end.

"OddBall? OddBall?" I racked my brain. (OddBall's real name is, in fact, a quite common name. I don't know if you remember him, but he's in AA and he called to ask me out back in January. I never called him back.)

"You know... OddBall from AA."

"Oh! How are you???"

The conversation proceeded very awkwardly from there, peaking at a discussion of the beautiful spring weather. It felt like pulling teeth. I was horrified when he asked me out again for a "walk in Central Park" and I heard myself accept. What was I doing???? First I made out with TT on Friday night, not really wanting to, and then I accepted a date I didn't want?!?! (I really am "just a girl who can't say no.")

To make matters worse, when I got home, I had a text from TT:

Thanks for coming out last night. Good times. If you want to grab a bite or something between stressing on your presentation, don't hesitate to call! (What am I saying? I mean 'text.') ;-)

Ugh. I didn't answer him. (And I still haven't. Does that make me a terrible person?)

Anyway, that was Saturday. That afternoon, I got that email from Narc and later cut my wrist. Then I went to the movies with Bezoukhoff and that night sent the reply email to Narc. I feel so powerless, so disposable, so utterly abandoned... like garbage.

Late that night I remembered that I had made morning plans with Hammer and that I couldn't meet Brick for the 12:00 pm meeting. I sent him a message asking if we could meet afterwards instead.

Once again, I couldn't sleep that night. All I could think about was Narc... how much I love him and the absolutely sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

At 8:21 am, on barely three hours of sleep, I was awakened by the soft beeping of an incoming text message. I snatched the phone. Was it Narc? It was Brick.

No worries... I may hang with my sponsor after, he wrote.

So... he was cancelling on me again?!?! This made it the fourth time in a row. I called him up. We spoke for a few minutes and I told him how I felt. I told him that I felt unimportant; I told him that when he's needy he's around and then he disappears on me; I told him that it hurt. He said that he is busy and that he's trying to balance AA and work. I told him that if he doesn't have room for me in his life, that's fine, but I can't keep my heart open and stay vulnerable as a friend.

When we hung up the phone, I burst into tears. It was the first time I've had a serious cry in a long, long time. God knows, I needed it! I cried until I was choking. I cried until I couldn't see and couldn't breathe. I am so sick of investing so much love in people who can so easily discard me. I'm sick of caring so much about people who can turn around and act like I don't exist. I felt so powerless... so utterly out of control and alone. I wanted to die.

I am exactly that person they talk about in Chapter 5 of the Big Book. I am still running on self-will and it hurts like hell.

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

In any case, I cried until I could cry no more. I called B and tried to get him to tell me that he loves me (without directly asking him to say it). It only sort of works. Every single time I hang up the phone with B, I say "love you." Every single time, he answers "okay. Bye." I know he loves me. But I wish that sometimes he'd read his lines right. Then I called my sponsor. By that time, I was able to stop the tears. There was nothing else to do.

There wasn't time for moping through the afternoon on Sunday, as I had done on Saturday. I had plans to meet Hammer at our "German diner." We brunched together and caught up on a lot of things and then went for tea at a beautiful little Japanese tea house where we drank Jasmine tea and ate chocolate mochi. At around 6:00 I headed to my meeting and to meet my sponsor. She told me that I had to call OddBall and cancel the date.

"It's good practice for you," she said.

And so, I did. I made the excuse that I really shouldn't date with under a year of sobriety.

By the time I got home and to bed on Sunday night, I was exhausted. And I was still sad.

On Monday I got up bright and early to teach. Afterwards, I had a special plan. Does anyone remember when I decided to learn to paint Russian icons last May? (I wrote about it here. It was only a few days after I first got sober.) I never went back to work on my icon, until now. On Monday I headed back to the studio. My icon was still there-- just barely beginning, red clay edging the frame and forming a base for the halo. I sat down to work on it, and there I stayed for the next four hours, in quiet contemplation surrounded by burning incense, Russian chant and three or four other iconographers. My task this time was to prepare the clay on the halo for gilding. First I had to sand it very carefully with two types of sandpaper. Next, I had to varnish the clay, rubbing it with a piece of glass. This revealed any imperfections in my sanding and several times I had to begin the process over. When this was finally done, it was time for the gold leaf.

Tatiana, the instructor, explained to me that the clay symbolizes man, as God made Adam from clay and that the gold symbolizes the divine.

"When we pray," she said, "and we pray correctly, there is a union of mind and heart. We are able to connect our divine self to our human self. It is like the gold sticking to the clay. Since we are in the image of God, God is in us."

She told me that to get the gold to stick to the clay, we had to moisten it. Since every task in writing icons is symbolic, the way to moisten the clay was to brush our lips against the icon and breathe on it.

"Just as God breathed life into man," she pointed out.

I had already attached the gold leaf to wax paper and cut it into strips. After each breath, I had to quickly press the gold onto the clay and wait a few seconds for it to stick. Then, with a dry paintbrush, I brushed away the excess. My first few attempts at this were rather miserable and I only got the gold to stick in a few spots. To make matters worse, the gold was so delicate that small mistakes would put a wrinkle in the strip. I felt guilty wasting such a precious material, but after a while, I got the hang of it. For over an hour, breath by breath, I breathed life into my icon and laid down two layers of gold. I united mind and heart. I connected the divine with the human. I breathed life into something.

This whole process was a powerful one for me. I can't quite explain why, but it gave me a tinge of guilt for hurting myself. For disrespecting God's creation. I'm not really a "believer" in God. But, for that afternoon, I was.

At about 4:30 pm, I left the studio. Here's the result of my work so far:

That night I headed out to an 11th step meditation meeting. The speaker reminded me a lot of myself. She also lost her father as a little girl and she also made a decision not to believe in anything greater than herself. When she came into the program she didn't have any belief in God or any concept of God, but she proceeded anyway. For some reason, hearing her talk, matched with my iconography experience, things started to make some strange kind of sense to me. I imagined all of the step-work I'm doing now as the sanding and the varnishing of the clay-- necessary prerequisites to being able to lay down the gilding. And even when the clay is prepared, it's not easy to apply the gold. Every small piece has to be lovingly and carefully applied with a new breath. I can't quite explain the spiritual shift in understanding that happened for me, but that is where I was at.

In any case, that night I went home to watch 24. Dan was back in town after his trip for Florida, awaiting more interviews for his teaching programs, and so he came over to watch with me. I quickly caught him up to date on the plot. Afterwards, we talked for a while, but I couldn't stay up too late, as I had hardly gotten any sleep over the weekend and it was catching up to me.

Tuesday was Brick's birthday. Because I believe in what B has lovingly termed the "dictatorship of the birthday," I had to put my feelings aside and wish him a happy one. I called him just before midnight to be the first one to greet him. He didn't pick up the phone, but I left a message telling him that I love him and that I'm proud of him. The next afternoon, he sent me a text back: Thanks... i love u.

Tuesday was also a birthday for my home group-- the 13th anniversary of its founding. The meeting was supposed to be huge, so after teaching and lunch with B, I got there at around 5:00 pm (for a 7:00 pm meeting!) to drop off the milk and save some seats for me and Meema. Would you believe it? There were already tons of people there! I saw OddBall milling around.

"I completely understand," he said, in reference to my cancellation of Monday's date. "But how much time do you have now?"

"Almost ten months."

"Oh! So, you're almost to your year," he smiled.

"Yes," I smiled back.

Shit, shit, shit, was all I was thinking, though.

In any case, everyone was abuzz with one opinion or another about the night's speaker. Apparently, he is quite a character. He flew in all the way from LA to talk to us. Before the meeting began, I went out for a quick bite with Cherubino and a new "sober sister," Cortland. When we returned to the church, I saw Meema in our seats and she was sitting with Talis. I've only seen Talis once since I fired her as my sponsor and even though I've called her twice, she has never returned my calls. Nevertheless, I'm still sickeningly sweet to her, as she is to me.

"Thank so much for saving us seats, Hyde!" she smiled. "I think there's room for my boyfriend here too!"

There was no room for her boyfriend, nor was there room for her. I had only saved two seats-- one for me and one for Meema. In order for Talis and her boyfriend to fit, we had to push down some other seat markers on the pew and I felt guilty doing so. It was really annoying, but I bit my tongue and didn't' say anything.

The speaker was great. It was incredibly moving and he was charismatic and phenomenal. Afterwards they did a "countdown" for the anniversary. First they asked members of the steering committee to stand up, then members who had chaired a meeting, then members who were sponsorship chairs or activity chairs, etc, then coffee people, greeters, etc. Pretty soon, the whole meeting was standing-- over 400 people. Then, they asked those under a year to sit back down, then those with two years, three years, and so on. It was amazing to see those still standing with ten, twenty, thirty, forty and one man with nearly fifty years of sobriety! If I make it fifty years sober, I'll be 77! I was so overwhelmed with emotion at the scope of what is being accomplished by those of us in the rooms. I used to be so much more cynical, but I'm now surrounded by people who are actually (in the approximated words of Gandhi) "being the change we want to see in the world."

Last night, I was exhausted by the time I got home. I talked to Liu on the phone for a while, and then to both of my sisters and my mom! I also started reading The Triads by Gregory Palamas, a 14th century Orthodox scholar, a proponent of hesychastic theology, or mystical prayer. It was recommended to me by Tatiana at the iconography school.

But in spite of everything, there is still one nagging and gnawing thought returning to my mind with every thought cycle... Narc, Narc, Narc. It hurts and I hate it. Last night at around 11:00, I sent a text to my sponsor:

I'm dying. I want to text him so badly. Going to take a shower to keep myself away from the phone. I feel like I'm white knuckling it with Narc. It's maddening!!

Pray. Take it one day, was her reply.

So, that's what I'm trying to do. But it hurts so fucking bad. It hurts so much more than it shows... more than I will ever let on.

But, I'm trying... I'm still trying...

love,
h

Keeping it "Semi-Real"

2007-03-04T02:29:00.000-05:00

Here's a little update:

Under the tutelage of Bezoukhoff and shortly after a viewing of Zodiac, the following message was sent to Narc:

Well, I hope you get done what you need to do. But frankly, I thought this was a rather strange email. I’ve known you for a pretty long time. You’ve had a lot of this on your plate for a while now and it hasn’t precluded you from being able to “surface.” If you don’t want to see me because you don’t want to see me, simply say so. But this just seems kind of cagey and leaves me feeling strange.

Anyway, take care--

Hyde

I am nervous, but emboldened by my own audacity. I still hate this.

I can't breathe

2007-03-03T15:53:00.000-05:00

Narc to Hyde:

Knew it was only a matter of time...!

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/link/24murders022007

Narc

Hyde to Narc:

Ha ha ha ha!!! Jack is definitely a hunter...

PS: You are rather "underground" these days... I don't mean to keep texting you, but I miss hanging out. Wanna do a movie night or something soon... you can continue my '80's movie education...

love,
Hyde

Narc to Hyde:

Balancing quite a few projects at the moment: "Oceans" fundraising; friend's site re-design; biz plan for video community; reality show; medical bills; and now new writing class... Will re-surface soon, let you know

--Narc

I don't believe him.

TT's Tongue

2007-03-03T01:42:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to spend the evening with Hammer watching Borat until I decided I was too lazy to meander down to the West Village. So... how did I end up with TT's tongue down my throat?

I really don't understand why he is still interested in me. But he really is... He told me that he is "lusting for me" and he thinks I am "an amazing woman." He said that he's "trying to behave," but that I make it difficult because I'm "so damn cute."

That all freaks me out. I don't even understand that... it's like he's speaking another language. I felt nothing... numb... I wanted to laugh as if it were all a joke. I felt out of myself and distracted and annoyed that I don't know how to say "no" when someone wants to put his tongue down my throat.

With a tongue in my mouth (and a pang in my gut) all I can think about is Narc. Meanwhile, Narc has been ignoring me all week long. On Thursday morning I got the gall to send him a text: I hate it when you don't answer my texts, I wrote. I hope everything is OK...

(Of course I had to couch it in a way that made it look like I was merely concerned about HIM. Nothing is allowed to be about ME... God forbid!)

He wrote back: Am still here. Going to get my blood tested again today...

And that was the last I heard from him even though I called him last night and then texted him around 10:00 today: How was your day?

Narc isn't interested in me right now. And so, I have no power. I have to just accept it and wait. I can't have him until he summons me again. I hate it.

I am overwhelmed with guilt and self hatred these days. Things are coming up for me that I haven't allowed myself to think about ever. I told my therapist something today that I've never told to another living soul. It has thrown me into a state of confusion. It makes me hate myself, but I know that it is a step towards coming to terms with myself. Everything is in flux. I don't know who I am. With Narc, it's easy-- I'm negated. When I'm with Narc, I have to be Narc. There is no Hyde. I'm annihilated and I love it. Yes... that's why I like it, I think. I am relieved of the burden of existence. (Except that never really works... part of me always remains and it gets eaten away at more and more each time). But with TT, I don't know who to be. I don't even know who to be when I'm alone with myself. I think that's why it's harder for me to blog these days.

I had a good day today-- a really difficult therapy session in the morning, some work on my fourth step, coffee with Anxious (and a shopping spree at Mac) and then an evening AA meeting.

I didn't think it would end up like this-- 1:30 am and my new hot pink lip lacquer all kissed off.

I saw PumpedUp tonight. He was a little tipsy and told me that the last words that IrishBird said to him were "I don't ever want to speak to you or see your face again!" He was sad. He gave me a Cheers t-shirt which I love. Is it weird for an alcoholic to cherish and want to wear a t-shirt from her favorite bar?

I kissed TT, but I'm so anxious about Narc tonight. If only this were the old days, I'd be drunk right now... I could call Narc drunk. We would go to the Patriot and I could feel passionate.

It's hard to find passion when you have no fucking clue who you are anymore.

Ugh. I better go to bed. I'm going to a 9:15 women's meeting tomorrow morning.

I'm confused. Did I say that already?

love,
h

End of an Era

2007-02-28T08:08:00.000-05:00

IrishBird is no longer at Cheers. I have no idea what happened, but I'm dying to find out. I actually first heard about it from Double-T. Later, I passed by Cheers and saw that they had a sign posted outside, advertising a new Saturday night karaoke hostess. I sent IrishBird an email to ask her about it, but I haven't heard back yet. I feel so out of the loop.

In other news, I keep having the urge to buy Narc roses. I still don't feel in love with him anymore. I think I'm just a sick person who hates herself.

-h-

Half Measures

2007-02-27T12:49:00.000-05:00

I'm still musing about whether or not to end the blog. Mystic-- I have to say, you hit the nail on the head in terms of how I've been feeling lately about all of it. But, in any case, I haven't shut this place down just yet. And I also haven't gotten rid of Narc just yet... Oh-- and the day after Valentine's Day wasn't the last time I had sex with him either. (I know, I know...)

I had a cozy weekend. I didn't do anything too exciting, but the most exciting thing about that? I didn't mind! I actually felt good being in my house and having downtime and doing my work, and that is radically good news, in my opinion.

On Friday I met with Cherubino before a meeting. Brick and I were supposed to hang out later that night, but he cancelled on me. It was the second cancellation of the week-- the first was on Wednesday when he planned to come over but then remembered that he told his sponsor he'd go to a meeting with him. I know that Brick is busy and that he's doing his best to get involved in AA, so I didn't mind the first cancellation... not even the second, as he explained that he was tired from work. We rescheduled once again for Sunday afternoon. When he cancelled on me for the third time, I just couldn't sit with it. It's hard to feel so easily blown off by someone so close. I am learning in the program that I can't change people. And if I can't change Brick (and I certainly can't be friends with him this way), then maybe we just need a break from each other for a while.

I wrote him a text after he cancelled our date: This is the third cancellation in one week, I said. That's not okay with me.

He never wrote back. More than anything, that's the part of it that hurts. I'm trying to learn how to express my needs and express my feelings. And here, where I told Brick how I feel, his response was to give no response. My feelings warrant no response.

That whole thing has been gnawing at me for the past few days. But, it's strange. I know I did the right thing for myself, so I'm also at peace with it, and I think that I'm able to let him go.

On Sunday night, after AA, I came home to watch the Oscars in bed. I fell asleep shortly after they ended, only to be woken up by the phone ringing at 1:30. It was Narc; he was drunk; and he wanted me to come down and see him.

"I can't. I'm sleeping," I murmured. "And besides, I have to go teach tomorrow."

"I lost my cell phone," he said. "I had a party over here... didn't even leave my own house... and the cell phone is gone."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," was all I could manage.

I was exhausted on Monday morning, but somehow made it through my class. When I got home and sat down to check my email, there was a message from Narc.

Hey! Looks like I am truly stranded in a Kafka-esque moment, here... A friend of mine made off with my cell phone last night (strangely enough), and Verizon has now shut off my land line (long story), so it looks as if I am stuck, incommunicado...

At any rate, was wondering if you wanted to stop by, but I suppose that will depend on when you end up checking your e-mail...! Should still be able to receive calls, however, so do ring when you can

--Narc

What a strange email, right?

On Sunday night, my sponsor and I had laid out a schedule for me for the week, and I made a commitment to keep it. So, I looked at my schedule for the afternoon-- half and hour of work on my fourth step, grocery shopping and a few hours of reading for school. No room for Narc. I'd have to tell him.

Woah! That is a very unlucky turn of events. I remember you told me about the cell phone last night when you called, but your land line is gone now too???

Anyway, I would love to come by, but I'm tied up in the library for most of the afternoon and then I've got AA tonight. I could come after, though, for 24 if you want? Just let me know before 6:00 pm if you want me to come. I'll check my email on and off until then. I could be there by 9:00 if I come straight from my meeting.

Thank god for seamless web, right? At least you can still order food... ;)

love,
hyde

He didn't write back to me right away. So, as I was about to head out to the library, I called him.

"I want to see you," he said.

"Yeah, but I've got work to do this afternoon," I explained. "And I'm really trying to be a good student this semester-- get in touch with my former self, you know?"

"That's too bad," he said. "I really wish you were here right now."

"I could come later tonight."

"Earlier is better," he said.

"Umm... I don't know, Narc..."

I could feel myself losing resolve fast. It's as if it all just leaked out of me.

"I could come in an hour or two? That would give me a little more time to read. How 'bout I come from 4:00 til 6:00. That's when I have to head to AA."

"4:00 is too late," he said. "I'm ready for you now."

"I don't know..."

He knew he had already won. Just fold, already, Hyde!

"Okay. Give me an hour to get there," I said.

"I'll try to wait to masturbate until you get here," he said.

What kind of life is this? I wondered.

Anyway, I hung up the phone with him and jumped into the shower.

An hour later, he answered the door-- scruffy, hungover and naked... the Narc of my dreams, right? I had been tied in knots between the phone call and my arrival there. I called Hammer and told her I was "conflicted." I knew I was doing the wrong thing, and yet I felt compelled to do it anyway. But as soon as I saw him, that all melted away. I was back inside that little bubble of non-reality. Nothing matters in Narc-world... in Narc-time. Until reality creeps in and rears its ugly little head, that is...

Anyway, we had lots and lots of sex-- just like the old days. And he told me that he loves me, as sex or alcohol sometimes prompts him to do. I felt content... I honestly did... that is, until I started to feel uneasy because I know, I know what I want for myself now and Narc is not it. But how can I feel anything other that content when he is holding me and being sweet? I don't know...

At one point, his doorman buzzed off that his friend dropped off his cell phone with the front desk.

"I'm going down to get it," he said. "Stay here in bed and wait for me. Don't get up and don't get dressed."

Why do I like being bossed around by him?

Later on, he wandered out into his living room which was semi-trashed from his party the night before.

"Ugh! There's all this junk food here now!" he lamented. "Someone brought all this candy over. I guess it's on sale after Valentine's Day..."

"Speaking of Valentines day," I called to him, still laying in his bed, "You threw my valentine in the garbage."

I don't know where that came from or why I said it, but I did.

"What did you say?" he called back.

"You threw my Valentine in the garbage. In fact-- that's why I left last Thursday."

"No I didn't!" he insisted, coming back into the bedroom.

"Yes, Narc, you did."

Suddenly, I didn't want to be having the conversation anymore now that we were face to face.

"Why would I do that?" he asked. "I'm sure I put it out with the other cards."

"No. It was in the garbage. I'm sure of it. I found it there."

I stopped myself before telling him that I had picked it out of the trash and, in fact, still had it in my bag.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Narc!"

"Well, it must have been a mistake," he stumbled. "I mean-- there'd be no reason for me to do that. Why would I do that?"

"I don't know," I said, raising an eyebrow at him.

"I wouldn't. I must have just tossed it while cleaning up papers in my kitchen or something. It doesn't mean anything. Don't read anything into it!"

"Okay," I said, still looking at him dubiously.

Later on, the subject of PopStarChick came up. I guess I was on a roll because I decided to pipe up about that one too.

"So, what's the deal with the two of you?" I asked. "Are you still 'together?'"

"Um... well, I don't know," he muttered. "I'm here. She's there... There's no point, you know? It's not really..."

"But is she your girlfriend?" I pressed.

"No, well, we just talk once a week and it's just 'Hey, what's up?' That's it... Like I said-- she's there, so..."

"But is it 'Hey, what's up, you're my girlfriend and I love you?' or is it just 'Hey, what's up?'"

"She's not my girlfriend," he said with a little more decision. "I held on waaay longer than everyone told me to. I mean, everyone said to forget about it long ago. It's not going to happen. I mean, if she comes back here at some point, then maybe... But it's not happening. She's not my girlfriend."

"Well... then..." (And now I was a little nervous) "Then, why is her picture still up as your desktop background?"

"What?"

He seemed startled by the question, but he was sitting in his desk chair when I asked it, so naturally he turned to look at the computer screen.

"What, that? I didn't even realize that was still up there!"

"How could you not?"

"It's just background," he stammered. "Seriously-- I don't even notice it there. It's been there so long. No reason at all. It's just background to me now. I don't even see it there."

"Well, I do," I said quietly.

"I can change it, no big deal," he went on. "I can change it right now."

He fiddled around for a few minutes before choosing a black and white landscape background.

"That what it was before," he said.

"I know," I smiled. "I remember you liked that picture from the time we went to the Apple Store in Summer '05."

He didn't say anything else.

"Thank you!" I smiled again.

But it was awkward. I think we both felt a little ill at ease. I certainly felt better that he changed it, but I don't know why he changed it for me. Liu thinks it was probably just to avoid a conflict.

Anyway, after that I had to get dressed to head out to my AA meeting. Narc had plans to go for dinner with his friend Laurie. She had won the money from their Oscar pool the night before (Narc must have recounted the ballots ten times, frustrated that he didn't win).

"We're just going for tapas and a martini or two," he said. "I really can't drink again after last night."

He had blacked out the night before and was all worried that he said or did something foolish in front of his friends.

"I can never just have one," I said. "I don't know how you do it. I always used to get such a headache if I stopped after one-- it was like an immediate hangover."

"I don't get that as badly as you," he said, "but the miracle place is definitely around three-- that's the place you chase all night."

"God, I miss that," I sighed.

But I don't miss the blackouts. And I don't miss the destruction. I HAVE to keep telling myself that.

"Didn't Al Pacino say that?" he asked, "That the best feeling in the world is the one between the second and third martini..."

"I don't know."

"In any case, I'm not drinking tonight," he said. "I'll be home by 9:00 or 10:00. Laurie has to study for her GMAT. She can't make it a drinking night either."

Narc went on to tell me that Laurie mentioned she might check out an AA meeting.

"She said you can find a lot of celebrities there," he laughed, "and that it's good for networking. Maybe I should check it out. I could use that..."

"Maybe you should," I said. I didn't dare go further. Neither did he.

Anyway, I left there, talked to Hammer, ate some pancakes and went to my meeting. I've been trying really hard to reach out to some new women and I saw a few of them there, including a girl named Collie and another I call Dollhouse. Dollhouse and I walked home together, as she lives in my neighborhood.

Last night, I bought two boxes of fresh raspberries and poured them into a bowl and ate them while I was watching 24. It was a little divine. Afterwards, I talked through the afternoon's events with my sponsor and then caught up with Liu on the phone.

That night, I had already fallen sound asleep when my phone rang. Yes, it was Narc again and he was really drunk. I was in such a sound sleep that I barely remember what I said to him-- only that he called. I really need to start turning my phone off if he's going to start with that again.

And that brings me up to date. I'm tired now, so I think I'll go take a mini-nap.

I don't know what I'm doing. I never do... But I know that with every step backwards I'm struggling as hard as I possibly can to get at least one step forward, if not two.

I want to grow and I want to go...

I'm a little afraid of what they say about "half measures." But then again, maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

love,
h

V is for...

2007-02-25T12:14:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day. It certainly went a little differently this year.

Let's backtrack for a moment to Tuesday, February 13th. I had been debating incessantly whether or not to get Narc a card or a gift or a gift and a card or no card and no gift... Finally, I could resist myself no more and I ended up getting him a card and I prepared him a gift bag of candy and an alabaster heart shaped paper weight. I figured it was innocuous enough that I wasn't making any kind of pathetic statement, but I still got to mark the occasion. After all, (my logic went), if I didn't get him anything, it would be living in his reality. If I did get him something, I would be asserting my own reality. Needless to say, we're both probably a little off the mark.

Anyway, on that Tuesday, I sped the little package down to Tribeca, braving rush hour traffic, all the while hoping that I would make it back to midtown for my meeting on time. I was embarrassed as I passed the gift off to his doorman, but once it was done, it was done. It left my stomach in knots, but there was no turning back.

The next day, it was Valentine's day and I woke up to snow flurries. Dan was stuck in town for the afternoon (as the buses to Albany had stopped running) so we made plans to meet for lunch. In the meanwhile, not a word from Narc about my present. Then, just before I left to meet Dan, he sent me a text.

Snow!! he wrote. Pity you're not here.

That was enough to send me off into a mini-tailspin. I emailed my professor that I would probably not make it to class that night and I told Narc that I would come down to see him because "luckily, class was cancelled."

While I was eating lunch, Narc left me some strange voice mail about how he felt like Henry James, staring out his window at the billowing snow flurries... except he was waiting for a delivery of Chinese food and that was sort of unlike Henry James.

Anyway, lunch with Dan was fun. I hadn't seen him in a long time, so it was an unexpected chance to catch up.

While we were eating, I sort of came to my senses and realized that I can't keep destroying my life and ignoring my commitments whenever Narc summons me. (Kind a a good realization, don't you think?). So, I texted him again and told him that in fact, my class wasn't cancelled, and that if he wanted to see me, he'd have to wait until 9:00 pm. He was "disappointed," but I felt good knowing that I did the right thing. I asked him if he ever got my valentine, as he failed to mention it.

Oh yeah, thanks hon, he wrote. I'm munching on the chocolates right now.

I hate it when he calls me "hon."

Anyway, I was really anxious after that. I spent the latter half of the afternoon in the library, preparing for class. It was a great class and I actually learned something brand new! (Not all that common at this point in the PhD). Afterwards I felt motivated and turned on and excited by learning. And I felt like myself again... my old self. My Jekyll self! It was brilliant. Not only that, but I didn't really feel like going to see Narc. I couldn't believe that I had nearly passed up such a rewarding and fulfilling learning experience to go watch Narc play video games and give him blow jobs. (Seriously-- that's pretty much what it's been reduced to these days. The spark is basically gone). The snow on the ground was piling up and I was exhausted. On top of that, Brick had sent me a text earlier asking "Will you be mine?" and I decided that I would rather meet up with him than schlep all the way down to Tribeca to see Narc.

So, I called him to tell him. He was dumbstruck.

"Wait... WHAT did you say?" he asked me repeatedly on the phone.

"I'm tired," I stammered once again. "I just think it doesn't make sense for me to come down there tonight... the snow... and I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow. It's just not a good night for me. I'd really rather go home."

"But... But... But, I could really use some 'cheering up!'" he protested.

"I'm sorry..." I wasn't sure what to say. "I could come by tomorrow morning? After my teaching?" I countered.

"Um... sure..."

"Okay? So I've gotta go now..."

"Um... yeah, okay."

"Okay, Narc... good night."

"Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day," he said bitterly as he hung up the phone.

Such an ending to our conversation filled me with a subtle dread, but it was drowned out by my feelings of triumph and empowerment. I felt so good about having turned him down, about having new priorities, about not wanting to run there!

Anyway, that night I saw Brick (who gave me an incredibly sweet card and a stuffed animal) and the next morning I got up to teach. As promised, I left after class and headed straight to Narc's place. I got there at around 10:15 am.

He answered the door like old-school Narc-- all scruffy and rumpled and half asleep.

"I really haven't gotten up yet," he mumbled. "So, let's get back into bed."

I complied and took off my clothes and got into bed with him and we both fell asleep for another hour or two.

When we woke up, we had sex... maybe the last sex I'll ever have with him. Why do I say that? Because it didn't feel good to me anymore. In fact, I felt a little sick. Afterwards, he got up to take a shower. I could see PopStarChick's picture on his desktop from the bed. They dated for six weeks in the summer. She's been gone now for six months. Why am I still looking at her picture? I started to feel even more sick.

When Narc got out of the shower, he told me that he had to make a phone call-- something to do with his medical bills.

"I'm hungry," I said. "Do you wanna get food first?"

"No. We'll get food after I get off the phone. I don't think I'll be more than an hour."

"Okay, I guess I'll just read while I wait."

Narc went into the bedroom to make his call and I settled in on the living room couch.

I really was hungry, though, and I didn't know if I could wait the entire hour. From the living room, I could see the bag of candy that I had bought him on his kitchen counter. I decided to go for a piece of chocolate.

As I dipped into the bag, I looked for the accompanying card. It was no longer with the gift. Narc keeps all of his greeting cards on display on top of his fridge.

Maybe he put it there, I thought.

I looked through the cards-- most of them were from Christmas and New Year's. A few of them were "get well" cards from the fall.

Maybe he just didn't want to put mine out. He doesn't really talk to his friends about me. Who knows... maybe it was embarrassing. Maybe he put it somewhere else for safe keeping.

I opened the cabinet under the sink to toss my chocolate wrapper, when what did I see? My Valentine had been callously cast into the garbage. I picked it out. It had coffee stains all over it. I felt my heart swelling up and sinking. But other than that, I don't even know what I was feeling. I felt numb and sick all at the same time. I took the Valentine and put it in my bag. Then I sat down on the couch and kept reading, trying to ignore the sick pangs in my stomach.

But, I couldn't.

I texted Hammer to tell her what happened.

Get out of there, right now! she said.

I can't, I protested. What will I say? How will I explain it?

Hammer told me that I don't owe him any explanation, and that if I didn't want to be there, I should leave. Eventually, she convinced me, coaching me through it. I left him a note.

I had to go, I wrote. Call me later. -H-

And then I took off, my heart throbbing in my chest.

I headed up to the West Village to meet Hammer for lunch. I was so overwhelmed by the morning's events that I nearly blocked them out and Hammer and I had a really good time.

About two hours later, I got a text from Narc:

Where'd you go? I got off the phone and saw your note. Is everything OK?

Yes, I'm okay, I answered. Just felt like leaving.

K, he said.

It was strange. A strange, strange exchange.

The rest of the day was rough for me. I went to therapy and then went to AA. I got to my meeting really early and wanted to isolate, so I hid out in the stairwell for a while until it started. A girl that I'm sort of friends with found me there and we ended up having a really good chat. Perhaps more on that later.

And that is pretty much that. He threw my Valentine in the garbage.

On the Friday that followed, I thought I might lose my mind. I really wanted to drink. Luckily, Bezoukhoff was in my neighborhood and we ended up going to see Sonic Vision at the planetarium and eating S'mores at Max Brenner's and then hitting the piano bars with Brick until the wee hours of the night.

Later in the weekend, I started to feel sick. And then, this entire week I was stuck home in bed with that awful cold.

In any case, I haven't seen Narc since I left his house that day. I know it's only been 10 days or so, but it feels like a mini-eternity. We spoke on the phone once for about an hour (which I blogged about here) and we've texted on and off all week long. On Tuesday night, we were both watching American Idol and I kept flooding him with texts, for which I apologized, telling him that I was merely "starved for interaction" from my sick bed.

Aww...! No worries hon, text all you want, he wrote.

Weird...

On Wednesday night I emerged from bed to meet my mom, my sisters and some family friends for dinner-- KW was in town visiting from San Francisco (some of you might remember that I went to her wedding there in August, '05). She and her brother, AW met us in Times Square. It was wonderful to see them, but a little torturous for me, as I still felt like hell.

On Thursday night, Narc and I were texting again.

By the way, more world-conquering news... he wrote.

Hyde: What???

Narc: ---- magazine just announced the top 30 scripts of the year and my script made the list!! Winner announced soon, Grand Prize, here we come...! But then, was there ever any doubt?

Hyde: Yay!!! No doubt from me. I'm so proud of you. Send me the link to the site! I wanna see...

Narc: Just sent email.

Hyde: Cool. I'm in bed now, but will check it in the morning. This is so exciting...!!

Narc: Pffft! You already checked! I'd check you if you made top 30 opera/teacher/historian etc. (poke poke)

What??? What did that mean? I didn't even know how to respond to that last remark, so guess what? I didn't! And that ended that conversation.

I think Narc must be wondering whether I've lost my mind with the way I've been acting lately. First, I didn't come to see him on Valentine's Day, next I left him with no explanation on the day following Valentine's day, and here I am cutting off our conversations!

On Friday I had an emotionally rough day for a whole slew of other reasons. I texted Narc that night.

What's up? I wrote.

He never answered. I'm not surprised. He is probably going to punish me for a while.

Yesterday I went to go see Eugene Onegin with my mom. It was an amazing production and the singers were phenomenal-- Rene Flemming, Ramon Vargas and Dmitri Hvorostovsky (who incidentally looked really hot bare-chested, even all the way from the balcony!).

During the first act, Tatyana pours her heart out writing a love letter to the disaffected, narcissistic, nobleman Onegin. Onegin's response?

Believe me, I give you my word, marriage would be a torment for us... Learn to control your feelings; …… Not everyone will understand you as I do. Inexperience leads to disaster!

My mom turned to whisper to me.

"He threw her valentine in the garbage," she said.

Later, Onegin talks about how he is filled with self-disgust. And by the third act:

I'm bored here too. The brilliance and bustle of society cannot dispel my constant world‑weariness! Having killed my best friend in a duel, having no aim, no work, I have reached the age of twenty‑six wearied by the idleness of leisure; without employment, wife or occupation, I've found nothing to which I could devote myself!

At that point, Onegin decides that he has finally fallen in love with Tatyana, who by then has already married a rich prince who is madly in love with her. Onegin tries to seduce her. But she's too smart for him. She tells him:

At that time, I suppose, in the back of beyond, far from the frivolity of social gossip, you didn't find me attractive. Why, then,do you pursue me now? Why am I the object of such attentions? Could it be because I now frequent the highest circles, because I am rich and of the nobility, because my husband, wounded in battle, enjoys, on that account, the favour of the court? Could it not be that my disgrace would now be generally remarked and would confer upon you the reputation of a seducer?

Forgetting all about Tatyana's declarations of love for him in the first act, Onegin cries out:

If you only knew how terrible it is to suffer love's torments!

Typical narcissism, no?

Anyway, by the end of the opera, she admits that she still loves him and that his return has aroused a whole slew of confusing feelings, but she's grown up and she doesn't want him anymore.

Onegin is left to lament: Ignominy! … Anguish! …Oh, my pitiable fate!

What a fitting opera!

And that is where I am left.

Only one thing is different (and I can't believe I'm about to write this):

I THINK I HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE.

I really think I have.

I think (I think?) that I don't love Narc anymore, nor do I hate him.

Writing this blog has felt like a bit of a strain to me this week. I don't know anything clearly enough to write it down. I may take a break from blogging for a while... maybe forever... maybe I won't take a break at all. But, for the first time, I've had the urge to end this blog.

I want to close a chapter in my life. It's closing on it's own.

V is for... victory?

The Cold that Kicked my Ass...

2007-02-22T07:54:00.000-05:00

...has finally started to go away.

I've been in bed since Sunday night, but finally managed to get up and out this morning and am back to teaching. I want to write about Valentine's Day and all that, but I'm now terribly behind in everything, from the 4th step work I committed to, to my reading for class, to returning phone calls and cleaning my house. Ugh!

Anyway, I'll see if I can get some of it done this afternoon. I miss blogging. And I hated being knocked out all week. I guess I forgot what it was like to feel "sick and tired" all the time. I can't say I miss it...

Okay. Now off to teach the rise of the Roman Empire.

love,
h

Sick

2007-02-19T18:34:00.001-05:00

I've been sick in bed all day today. It sucks. I'm feeling very tired and very cranky. I hope I'm up to teaching tomorrow morning.

love,
h

Boys

2007-02-17T22:07:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with the Stallion... I haven't spoken to him in forever! He's still living out in San Diego with his (fiancee? wife?), but he said that they're moving to Portland soon.

It was an incredibly sweet conversation. He told me that he's proud of me for my sobriety and asked me how my birthday party went.

"It was great," I said. "But it was hard to get through a sober birthday-- to do the party differently. You know... without..."

"Without party favors?" he interjected.

"Yeah," I laughed.

"I've been trying to stay away from that stuff too," he said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah... I have a baby now."

"What???"

I couldn't believe it... The Stallion with a baby!

"Yup... I have a beautiful son."

"How old is he?"

"Two and a half months."

I congratulated him over and over. I don't know why it made me feel so good... so warm... but it did. Perhaps it's because it's nice to know that everyone grows up-- that it's okay for things to change. The Stallion named his son "Brooklyn."

"My brothers are coming out to visit soon," he said. "And it'll be hard to avoid partying with them, but I try to keep it under control."

Sometimes I think it's strange that I'm still talking to the Stallion. He was a one night stand I met while all coked up and on Ecstasy seven years ago. How can I still be talking to him? How can I be talking to him about his baby? About my sobriety?

I asked him how his mom was doing. He asked about my brother.

"And romance?" he asked. "Are you still seeing that guy?"

"Um... yeah... Well, sort of. He's still circling around."

I told him that Narc started dating PopStarChick in the summer and that it devastated me, but that she then left for Russia. I told him that Narc suddenly planned to marry PopStar but that he had a near death experience and was forbidden to fly, thus putting a chink in his plans.

"You are an amazing woman, Hyde," he said. "And you deserve better than him. You deserve better than both of us... better than what either of us was giving you."

"Thanks," I stammered. I wasn't quite sure what to say to that.

Anyway, we talked for a while longer. The Stallion said that he wants to be friends. He kept telling me that he wants to hang out when he comes to NY.

"I just want to give you an enormous hug," he said. "I just want to squeeze ya!"

I laughed awkwardly.

Before we hung up, he told me that he loves me.

"I really do. You don't know it, how wonderful you are. You don't know how you change people's lives."

It was strange to hear him say that he loves me... now... I mean, the Stallion! He is a part of my shady past-- the drugs, and the indiscriminate sex.

I don't know...

Anyway, a while after that, Narc called. I have had a lot on my mind this week in terms of Narc-- mostly to do with events surrounding Valentine's Day. I have to blog about all that, but I'm not up to it just yet.

Anyway, Narc and I talked for over an hour--mostly about video games. He kept telling me about this game and that... about how he has to kill some dragon and walk around for a long time to get strength. (That is, virtual strength.) His world is small. I tried to tell him that.

I told him what I had been up to for the past 24 hours-- going to the Planetarium Sonic Vision show with Bezoukhoff, eating Smores at Max Brenner's, hitting the piano bars until the wee hours with Bezoukhoff and Brick, going to AA this morning, bumping into my sponsor at Union Square later in the day, buying a rug for my living room, hanging with NDN and making plans to see a play with Hammer.

"You're doing so much!" he exclaimed. "I played FF12 for 10 hours today... and yesterday. I got out for a bit to see Lives of Others, but that's it. I've just been on the phone about hospital bills and getting bloodshot eyes in front of the plasma screen. I probably have about 20 hours left to go on this game."

"I used to feel like I was living the same day over and over and over," I said.

"I still feel like that," he told me.

"Not me. I'm moving now," I answered. "And I'm not sure how it happened or when... but I know it has to do with my sobriety. But more than that, it has to do with being open."

Narc insisted that there's nothing at all he can do to change his life-- that everyone in NY is the same and that no one has anything to offer him.

"Why don't you learn something new, then?" I suggested. "Maybe it'll do you some good to stimulate a different part of your brain."

"I'm not going back for more school," he grumbled. "I did all that."

"I'm not saying you have to go to school. Download a podcast and learn a language. I don't know... just do something different! You can't sit around and play video games all day every day for the rest of your life!"

"I know that," he sighed. "But there's just nothing else to do."

The conversation took a few turns after that-- from the moving conversation I had with a woman at AA on Thursday to Britney Spears' newly shaven head to slash fiction. I told Narc that I didn't know what "slash fiction" is.

"Hydeeeen! You of all people should be into that!"

"Why?"

"Because people take characters from their favorite universe and write them into violent sex scenes. It's not only that-- people do other things with it-- but there's a lot of rape and eroticism."

"Make up things in their favorite universe? Like Pride and Prejudice II?" I laughed. "Mr. Darcy's virility was only surpassed by his devotion to his wife?"

"Yeah, sort of..."

Anyway, Narc was sad and I was sad. "Narc and Hyde" are gone. There is only "narc" and "hyde" now. He mentioned the Patriot to me. I thought of it like a ghost.

There are ghosts all around.

Narc didn't ask me to come down. I didn't want to go down there.

If I'm not running to fuck Narc, who am I?

All my boys are ghosts these days...

-h-

The Truth

2007-02-15T20:56:00.000-05:00

I am starting to see. And my neck really hurts. It's twisted up and I can't turn my head. But, I'm starting to see. If I can't drink my feelings away, I can't do this anymore.

Snow on Snow

2007-02-14T10:19:00.000-05:00

The snow has finally arrived.

I overslept this morning by an hour and when I opened my eyes, it was time to leave the house. I jumped out of bed, threw on some jeans, grabbed my makeup to apply on the road, and somehow made it out of my apartment, my hair a mess and still in my "Golden Girls" T-shirt. I can't say I was the most presentable professor, but at least I managed to arrive on time.

I knew it was snowing out as I headed into the building lobby, but I had no idea that instead of soft flakes, it would be hard pellets that stung my eyes and my cheeks as I squinted into the gray trying to catch a cab.

Anyway, I'm moody today.

Last night, my old friend Tipu called out of the blue. I haven't seen her in about two and a half years, and even then, it was only for one afternoon. She and I met in the summer of 2002 when we lived together in London. (I was there doing an NEH fellowship. Tipu helped me survive my breakup with B). I don't know why she called me last night, but it was a meaningful phone call. She called me with a message that I needed to hear.

Tipu was happy, of course, to hear that I am still sober, but she also couldn't believe that I was still talking about Narc. She kept insisting that he's a waste of my time and energy.

"Your BRILLIANT. You're BRILLIANT, Hyde!" she kept saying. "You impressed everyone! You're smarter than me and Nipkins put together! You had insights about the reading that no one else had thought of..." (and so on and so forth).

It's always difficult for me to "take compliments," but this time it was even harder. She was right. I remember feeling brilliant back then. I remember impressing everyone in the seminar with ease. What happened to me? What happened to that girl? Why do I feel so muddy all the time?

Listening to Tipu sing my praises, I began to feel like such a failure-- like I've lost something that I'll never get it back. I'll never get it back.

As I hadn't talked to Tipu in quite some time, she hadn't heard most of the Narc drama of the past two years. To me, it seemed normal... normal conversation, but she was freaking out.

"Lose him! He's toxic!" she kept saying. "This is unbelievable!"

I met most of her remarks with silence.

"Think about it Hyde!" she exclaimed. "What if I called you up and told you that I was seeing some guy who called me names, got me pregnant, was only affectionate when drunk, was engaged to some other girl, and I was still sleeping with him? What would you say?!?"

I didn't know what to say.

I just felt cloudy. Snow on snow... (That song was just looping in my head... "Snow had fallen... snow on snow on snow... in the bleak midwinter, long ago..." Snow on snow on snow, was all I could think.)

"You are amazing!" she went on. "You are hysterical and so smart and so sweet. Why haven't you been doing wonderful things with yourself? God gave you a gift with your brain. I really believe that. You have been blessed with something most people don't have. Your intelligence is a gift, Hyde! Why are you wasting yourself on this douche bag? I want to claw him!"

She is what NDN would call a "scrappy" girl, and it was sweet to hear her raging in my defense. But again, it left me feeling blindsided and still all knotted up.

When we hung up the phone, I called Cherubino.

When I was drinking, I pretended I didn't care what happened to me. I pretended that I didn't care about life. ("Just scrap it! Scrap it!" I would say. I "scrapped" fucking everything!) If I had to justify it to myself, if I had to find good cause for throwing myself away, for making garbage of everything, I said that I was sacrificing everything for "love."

I didn't care, right? I was beyond caring?

It's bullshit. I do care. Of course I care. And talking to Tipu made me realize just how much I care about the things that I sacrificed to my alcoholism and the things that I sacrificed in order to maintain this relationship with Narc.

I'm starting to feel like I'm in a hole that I'll just never crawl out of. I've lost too much. I can't be that same girl that impressed Tipu five years ago. She's gone. She's gone. I gave her up, and even if I want her back, she's gone.

(Wouldn't it be so much easier if I really believed that I can't get out of this hole? If so, I can just give up. Then, I can drink again. Then I can live inside an illusion).

I said all that to Cherubino. Her response?

"Keep it simple, Hyde. Just stick to the schedule we made for this week. Just do the things you committed to do tomorrow. If you just stick to your schedule one day at a time, miracles will happen. Don't worry about the results just yet. There is no instant gratification. You'll get to where you want to be, but you can't have it all at once. Just trust me. Put one foot in front of the other and do what you have to do tomorrow."

"Okay," I said.

But, I don't want to do what I have to do.

Even though I love school, I don't feel like going to class tonight. Snow on snow... it's snowing out, right? I want to say that it's all too hard for me... a magnificent magnetic pull back to drinking.

But I can't let that happen. I CAN'T.

Why is this all coming up for me now? It's suddenly much harder not to think about drinking than it was even two weeks ago...

Maybe it's because I'm allowing myself to see a little bit more.

Last night, talking to Tipu, I had one of those moments of clarity about Narc-- the unmanageability of it all was so clear. And yet, here I am, still trying to manage it. Wondering whether or not he got my Valentine's gift... as if it matters... wondering whether or not I should text him "Happy Valentine's Day," as if that makes an ounce of difference in my life.

That's not who I am, even if that's who I've been for the past three years.

Tipu reminded me of that.

I want to grab the thread of it all and GO. I want to run free. "Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains." I want to cast off those chains. I want to be freed from "the bondage of self." I want to... But I still feel so cloudy.

I have to be cautious. It's slushy and dirty in here.

My head is still filled with snow.

-h-

Blinded

2007-02-13T15:55:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is foreboding. It's the third Valentine's to pass since I've been sleeping with Narc... Two years ago was the infamous Anxious-masturbation episode. Weird... Anyway, I caved and bought a little something for Narc. I'm embarrassed by my weakness and pitiful, desperate need to express my reality to him, and so I signed my card "from your (not so) secret admirer." I'm going to leave it with his doorman.

In other news, I had the day off yesterday and spent it out on Long Island, catching up with GoldenFinch and playing with BabyBird. He was throwing spaghetti all over the kitchen. I couldn't get enough of him. He's the cutest baby ever.

Last night I went to a really good AA meeting. Afterwards, I met up with Brick. I watched 24 by myself in bed (24 nights seem to have become a thing of the past, and besides, Brick was quickly sound asleep) and then today, after teaching, I had lunch with B.

I'm nervous about the AA meeting tonight because it's the first time I'm going to see Talis since I told her I wanted to change sponsors. I wrote her a beautiful card, so unless she has a heart of stone, she can't stay mad at me. And in any case, I know I made the right decision. Cherubino and I met up on Saturday afternoon to chat over coffee in Union Square. It was a really productive meeting and I walked away with a few new tools in my proverbial "tool box."

But even so, it's been a rough few days for me, emotionally speaking. Everything is fine and dandy on the surface, but just beneath, things are beginning to roil. What am I talking about? Emotions, struggling for breath, like tulips pushing up through frozen Earth. I've been wanting to drink so badly-- to push everything back down.

I was thinking about Narc the other day. I haven't seen him in over a week now and while we've texted sporadically, it's been all about nothing. It makes me anxious. There's an enormous knot in my chest. Only lately, something strange has begun to happen... it feels as if someone is trying to pick that knot apart. And then... what's that? It's not just anxiety, but it's sadness. It's hurt. I must be sitting on mountains of hurt. Anger? Frustration? I'd rather leave well enough alone, but I know that if I want to stay sober in the long run, I can't. I'm so afraid of myself that I feel queasy all the time.

Narc and I will end. Narc and I will end.

Yes, that is what I was thinking when he texted me yesterday, asking whether or not it was true that FOX was blessing us with 2 hours of 24.

Yes, it's true, I wrote. Funny you texted me. I was just thinking about you.

"Thinking," eh? Naughty thing... came the reply.

It disturbed me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he made light of my uncomfortably frank honesty by sexualizing it. Maybe it's because I get weirded out by my own sexuality when I'm confronted with it when I'm in "Jekyll" mode. Who knows. But I didn't like it.

I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I love to love Narc and I love to make vast proclamations that I hate him. But I don't know how to be in this in-between place... just trying to find myself... to find what I want.

Last Thursday, Brick wanted to sleep over. I'm not sure whether or not I even wanted him here. But I really wanted to keep the night clear in case Narc called. I told Brick that he could come over, but only with the understanding that if Narc called, I was leaving.

"Can I stay in your house, even if you go?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You made Narc number one, Brick number two and yourself number three," my sponsor told me.

Did I? I didn't even think about what I want. Do I want anything? I don't know... I don't think so... I want this anxious knotted feeling to go away. I know that much. I want my feelings to go away. That leads me back to wanting to drink. But, I don't really want to drink anymore. I just want the feelings to go away.

It's much easier to be blinded by love. Or Booze.

Yes, it's much easier to be blinded. Only, it can't last. At least that's the premise I'm working on...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Something Baroque

2007-02-10T19:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had 9 months sober. I went to get my hair cut and colored. There was something rather "baroque" about the whole salon experience.

NDN and I went out for Korean food last night. He had to catch me up on all of his adventures. He's been dating up a storm lately and actually getting a little action too...

Brick relapsed again last night and called me this morning. It prompted a lot of heavy and mixed feelings that I can't sort through just yet. But I met with Cherubino for coffee in the afternoon and she helped a lot. It's actually pretty cool to have a sponsor, now that I have one I can communicate with.

Brick and I have tickets to see A Chorus Line tonight. In fact, I better get going, or I'm going to be late to meet him at the theater.

I haven't seen Narc since last Sunday.

I bought a lot of new makeup this afternoon. What can I say... I went a little "Mac-crazy." Right now, I'm in all new colors.

It's divine.

-h-

Stalked by my Therapist

2007-02-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

The unthinkable is happening... the unfathomable, in fact! Unless I want to become some sort of red bull junkie, I have to get to bed much earlier. Last night I hit the sheets before midnight. Tonight I'm going to aim for 11:00 pm. I hardly feel like myself, and I still can't do it without the help of some Lunesta, but I have to find away around those afternoon naps... they're ruining my productivity.

This week has been decent, overall, but I'm exhausted. Tonight is the second night of my class on Modern Britain, and even though all I had to read was Colley's Britons (which I already read three years ago) and an article, it was hard for me to be in the library on Monday. It drags up all sorts of guilt for me--- An "I once was lost and I'm not quite yet found" kind of a thing. In any case, it is what it is...

Perhaps the biggest drama of the week came from the strange and abrupt ending of my relationship with my therapist, accompanied by my move to switch sponsors. But before I get to that, here's a brief recap of some of last week...

On Hammer's birthday we went to see Sondheim's Company, followed by tea and mochi. Later that night, I had a little spat with Brick, mostly fueled by my codependent feelings towards him. It left me exhausted and worried. On Sunday, (Jan 29th), I went to see Rossini's Signor Bruschini presented by a small opera company on the Lower East Side. I went with my friend BahBoy--a professional opera singer who I used to do musical theater with in high school. It was a very funny production. Afterwards, we walked around the East Village for a bit, stopping for coffee and croissants before he went home. From there, I walked North towards the Whole Foods at Union Square where I had to buy oat milk, and where I met Brick for dinner.

The next morning, I was up bright and early-- the first morning of my new schedule. I can't believe I had to drag myself out of bed while it was still dark. There's not much to say about my first classes. I've taught this stuff so many times now, that aside from the early hour, it was pretty standard fare.

The most remarkable part of last Monday? The fact that I'm on some new medications that left me a bit of a mess. For most of the afternoon, I was dizzy and my vision was blurred. Later, I nearly passed out from exhaustion and had a brief hallucination. When I woke up, I was still dizzy and feeling horrible. My whole body felt "wrong." The only experience I can liken it to, is coming down off cocaine. It was so awful that I called my doctor. He told me that as long as I wasn't having abdominal pain or discolored urine, that I should ride it out and let my body adjust to the medication.

I don't know how I did it, but somehow I later motivated myself to get out to a meeting. I go to an 11th step meditation meeting on Monday's and this time I asked for a commitment there. (I think I need to stay more connected to AA in general). Anyway, the meeting was not as pleasant as it might have been, as my "withdrawal" symptoms gave way to a stabbing headache that creeped around, jutting sharply beneath my left eye. The worst of the headache came about midway through the meeting and then, thankfully, it started to subside.

After the meeting, Slope invited me out to celebrate her 90 days. With about 8 other women, we met at Blockhead's. I walked down from the meeting with Leseco and another girl from my home group-- Dollhouse. Leseco and I ended up sitting next to each other and I picked her brain a little bit about my sponsor situation and wanting to change sponsors. I have to say-- I had a really good time with those girls. It was a really nice end to a pretty awful day.

Last Tuesday, I got up again to teach. (Ugh! Do I really have to do this for three months???). This time I taught two classes. I did some reading and napped again in the afternoon and that night went to AA. Afterwards was when the drama with my therapist kicked in.

For that, you need a little background...

The therapist I was going to, M, was the same woman who had been my counselor at the outpatient rehab I attended this summer. She left the rehab facility around the same time as I did and I started seeing her privately. Even though she doesn't accept insurance, I was afraid to find someone new at the time, and so my mom agreed to pay for my therapy until I could find someone I like "on the plan."

M has always appeared to have issues with money. I suspect she's trying to build a private practice, but she came across as kind of desperate and would often try to pressure me to add another appointment or to stay for an extra hour. This put me in an awkward position, as my mother was the one paying for the appointments, and it's not easy for me to ask her to toss an extra hundred or two my way each week!

One day, a few months ago, as I was leaving a session, M informed me that it was time to pay her. I was in the habit of paying her every fourth week and so, I was caught off guard.

"It hasn't been four weeks," I protested.

"Yes, but we added sessions, so it's been four sessions."

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't realize I had to pay today. I don't have the money. Can I give it to you next time?"

"No, that's really not okay," she said. "I need the money today. Why don't you go to the bank and come back?"

I was really kind of stunned by her response. However, I'm not the type to "stand up for myself" in a situation like that.

"I can't do that," I tried to explain. "I don't have the money in the bank either. I'd have to call my mom and ask her to deposit it for me."

"Well, call her right now," M demanded. "You can't leave here until I get paid."

My anxiety was mounting. I wasn't sure what to do. M had another client coming in to see her, so I slouched into a chair in the waiting room and called my mom.

"That's ridiculous, honey!" she exclaimed. "Of COURSE you don't have to stay there! She never presented you with a bill! How can she tell you she's going to keep you hostage! Leave there right now!"

So, I did.

Later that week, when I was out on Long Island with my mom, we called M together. My mom asked to talk to her.

"I want to see a bill from you and I want Hyde to pay you with a check... not in cash."

M tried to tell my mom that it's my responsibility to keep track of sessions, but my mom wouldn't have it.

The next time I saw M after that, she made some comment about how my mother had "scolded her." She also asked me to pay her in cash.

"I can't," I said. "My mom asked me not to and it's her money."

"Your mother knows I'm collecting unemployment," she said. "She's just trying to aggravate me."

Now, I was very uncomfortable to say the least. Still, I thought it was beneficial to see M, as she was helping me to start to get in touch with my own feelings.

A few weeks later, I went to see her when another strange incident occurred. This was just after Narc and I had that conversation during which he cried.

"I feel so awful for him," I told M. "I love him and want to help him, but I feel so powerless. There's really nothing I can do. But it's hard to see him suffering and to try to protect myself from it."

"Why don't you ask him if he would like to come speak to me?" she suggested.

I raised an eyebrow. Could she really be trying to solicit Narc as a client???

"Does that make you uncomfortable?" she asked.

"Um, uh, well... I don't know." There's Hyde, unable to articulate her feelings again!

"Well, why don't you give him my card."

I took the card with no intention of ever giving it to Narc.

Then, one morning, I got a call from M.

"I can't get a room reserved for us this week," she said. "Do you know of somewhere quiet we can meet?"

"Um... the only place I can think of is my apartment," I suggested.

"Good. How's 8:00 am?

I thought 8:00 am was a little strange and inconvenient, given that this was over my vacation, but I like to be agreeable, so I agreed.

This happened again a week or two later. Only this time, M showed up half an hour early. I was still in bed when the buzzer rang. She waited in my living room while I brushed my teeth and washed the sleep out of my eyes. The whole thing felt very invasive! Of course, what was my part in it? That I didn't say a word of protest.

Then, last week, it was the final straw.

Okay-- so, now back to last Tuesday. That night, after AA, I got a call from M at 9:30 pm.

"I just wanted to remind you that you owe me money tomorrow," she said.

"What? I don't think so," I countered. "It's only session 3. I've been keeping track really carefully."

"No, it's session 4," she said. "Don't forget that time you called me on the phone."

This was unbelievable! She is always encouraging me to call her. "Call me any time! Any time you need to, sweetie!" I called her on the Monday I was having a breakdown while trying to do my 4th step. She had never said a word about charging me for that call. Even so, I was in no mood to argue.

"I didn't know you were counting that as a session. I'll have to call my mom to get her to put some money in."

I must have sounded deflated because she asked me if I were okay.

"What are you feeling right now?" she asked.

"Honestly? I don't know... Stressed? I'm just not in the mood to call my mother right now and have a fight with her."

"Why would it prompt a fight?" M asked. "I'll charge you $50 less for the phone session. Your mom should be happy about that."

"My mom's not going to be happy that I'm calling her at 10:00 pm and telling her she has to run to the bank tomorrow! We have money issues between us as it is, and I don't know what her day is like... if she has to be in court, or whatever..."

I guess M realized that she was being inappropriate to make me call.

"I really need the money," she said, "but I suppose I could wait until next week, if you don't want to call your mom. It's your choice."

"Whatever..." I grumbled. "I'll call."

"As long as you know it's your choice. I'm giving you a choice!" she said. "Who loves you more than I do?"

I couldn't believe those last words out of her mouth.

My MOM!!! I wanted to scream in reply. But, I didn't.

I hung up the phone and called my mom. My mom, predictably, was angry, and spent the next ten minutes yelling into the phone. I seriously felt like I was going to short circuit.

After we hung up, I called Brick. I started to tell him the story, but he abruptly hung up on me, as his sponsor was calling on the other line. I was feeling very cut off and very abandoned. I called B.

Now, this is a whole other issue, but I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with B-- I mean, when we were together, and I've realized that I have a lot to apologize for. I brought that up to him on the phone.

"I'm sorry, B," I said. "And I want to thank you for being such a good friend to me all these years. It really is a testament to our friendship and your strength of character that you stood by me."

"Or maybe it's weakness," he said. "Maybe I was just too weak to stand up for myself."

What?!?! I couldn't believe my ears!

"What do you mean?" I demanded. "Are you saying that you only stayed my friend because you couldn't get away from me? That's you're weak and that's why!"

I could feel a classic Hyde-B fight coming on. And while I knew well enough to get off the phone, I still hadn't found my "soft place to fall."

So, I called Cherubino. It definitely helped. I told her about the whole dilemma with M.

"Why don't you just cancel the appointment," Cherubino suggested. "If this is causing you a lot of anxiety, give yourself some time and space. Ask M for her address and have your mom mail the check. Don't put yourself through this right now."

So... The next morning, I called M and left her a message cancelling the appointment. I asked her for her mailing address to send a check. Just a minute later, she called back. I let the message go to voice mail.

Hi Hyde, I need to talk to you Can you please call me back. It's M. Um... you tell me that, um... I can reach you at this number, so please call me back, okay? Bye. Like this morning? As soon as possible? Bye.

Hi, this is M again. I want you to know that I have an appointment with you for 4 and I can't cancel it. I have to give 24 hour notice in advance. So, um., I just need to know that you're gonna show up for it no matter what. This is kind of not fair. And I have to charge you and I don't want to do that. So, please, try to come in at 4 and let me know what's going on. Call me right back. Bye.

Anyway, in the interim, I called my mom to tell her that she didn't have to run to the bank to put money in my account, but rather could just mail a check. She called M to get the mailing address. During the course of that conversation, M didn't want to give my mom her address.

"I'll just get it from Hyde," she kept saying.

"Hyde's not coming in today," said my mom.

M told my mom she had to charge for the room.

"What about those sessions you had at Hyde's apartment and didn't pay a fee to rent a room? I didn't see you lowering your rate then!"

I don't know how M replied to that, but after they got off the phone, M called me again. Again, I didn't pick up.

Hi Hyde, it's M. Um... You know, when there's situations going on, that doesn't mean you can't talk to me. I'd like very much if you would come in today at 4... without a fee. Cause it's not all about that. And, so we can work this out. Um... uh... There's no reason for you not to face me and discuss it, whatever it is. And we'll come to a better understanding, okay. This is between me and you right now. And we have a good relationship. And I don't want to see anything spoil that. So, come in for a few minutes at 4 because I'll be there. It's during your time and don't worry about the money okay? At least, please don't avoid me because when you call me I call you right back and that's just a mutual respect that we have for each other. I hope to see you at 4 or hear from you in a few minutes. Okay? Bye.

I couldn't believe all this over a cancelled appointment! I couldn't believe that she wouldn't allow to me to cancel! I felt completely invaded and overwhelmed I didn't return her call. The next day, she called again.

Hi Bubby, it's M. Call me when you get a chance. I'd like to confirm for next week. I'd like to know as soon as possible. Hope you're well. And, talk to you later. Bye.

I am seeing a new therapist now-- Dr. P-- and he said that I didn't have to call her just yet... that I could write a letter and write out my feelings about it first. So, I didn't return that call either. I thought that would be the end of it.

On Sunday night, I was down at Narc's house at 11:00 pm when the phone rang. I couldn't believe it! It was M!!! At 11:00 pm!!! Narc couldn't believe it either. I played her message on speaker for him. Here's what she said:

Hi Hyde, it's M. Sorry I'm calling so late. Um, I'm expecting to see you tomorrow at 4 as usual... Um... And I look forward to it. So, have a good night. And if there's a change, call me tonight because I need to reserve the room tonight. Ok. I look forward to seeing you. Miss you! Bye.

There were so many things wrong with that message. For starters, we had no usual appointment time. Second of all, how could she be needing to reserve the room that night, after 11:00 pm on a Sunday? It was all so manipulative. So, I ignored it again.

The next day, I decided that something had to be done. I wrote her a letter and waiting in Banana Republic while B delivered it to her office. Here's what I said. (And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's pretty clear!)

Dear M,

I am writing to inform you that I wish to suspend sessions from this date forward. We do not have a scheduled appointment today. The last appointment I scheduled with you was on Wednesday, January 31st. If I wish to continue sessions, I will contact you. However, as you have been paid to date, through the mail, I do not foresee a reason for you to contact me in the future.

Thank you for all of your help and good luck with your future endeavors.

Best wishes,
Hyde

So, you can imagine my surprise when later that night, I got yet another voice mail from her! This once came in while Meema and I were finishing up 24-- around 10:00 pm on Monday night.

Hi Hyde, it's M. Um... I'm not running after you, but I'm concerned about you. I hope you're sober. And if not, you know, I don't understand why you're not speaking to me. If I've done something to harm you in any way, it would be the last thing I'd want to do. I just would like to speak to you. I don't want anything from you. We have a relationship and I don't understand. So... The only thing I can think of without knowing is that maybe something's going on and you're just not dealing with it, or whatever. And if I've harmed you, at least give me the opportunity to address it and speak to you about it. But this is not a way to cut things off. This is not a healthy way.... you know? And I adore you. I would do anything to help you. And, again-- never to want to harm you. So, I don't understand, Hyde. And if you're trouble, if you're not in trouble... Please call me. Don't avoid me. I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at anyone. Can you please talk to me? It's M. And you know my number. Bye.

Anyway, I hope that's the last I hear from her.

There's a lot more going on and a lot of internal changes for me this week, but writing this post has left me exhausted. So, I'll leave it at that for now. Let's hope that things with Dr. P work out a little better.

love,

Fucking Freezing!

2007-02-05T09:43:00.000-05:00

It is fucking FREEZING out today! I slept at Narc's last night and when I left this morning, I thought that my fingers were going to snap off. My nose felt burned up and dry like I had been doing coke all night. And I was tired. I got to bed later than I wanted to last night because we ended up playing a few rounds of wii golf and watching Deal or No Deal. Narc made me a little mii character for his Nintendo system. It was cute.

I had a pretty good weekend overall. Brick stayed over on Thursday night (after I had that semi-painful conversation with my sponsor, to let her know I wanted to switch) and we watched Ugly Betty in bed. Then, on Friday, Meema and I met up for lunch near her office. She and her husband are buying a place in Long Island city and she had the walk-through scheduled for that afternoon, so I went with her. The apartment is beautiful and ultra-modern. Later that night, Bezoukhoff and Hammer came over for Chinese food and some 24 catch up. I ended up going to Narc's that night around 11:00 and we had amazing, amazing sex which makes me sad because I know I have to give it up semi-soon.

Anyway, on Saturday I met up with Brick in the late afternoon and then I went for dinner with BigSis, followed by a viewing of Notes on a Scandal. We had a good time, and a really good talk, although things seem to get a bit "heavy" between us, sometimes... as if we are always in need of a heart-to-heart. I guess it's because we haven't really opened up to each other in the past ten years.

Late on Saturday night, Brick came back to my place and on Sunday we had brunch and then went to a meeting in Chelsea. Afterwards, I headed up to the Met museum. I wandered around the medieval art wing, listening to Palestrina on my iPod. Then I headed to the auditorium where I arranged to meet Hammer for a showing of The Haunted Screen, a documentary about German cinema in the 1920's. Hammer and I dined at Le Pain Quotidien. Then I headed home, picked up some Ben & Jerry's and went back to Narc's.

(NARC: Ugh... Sometimes you just gotta ask: "Why oh why..."
HYDE: Huh? What's bothering you?
NARC: I don't know, just been horribly depressed all day. Pity you've got class tomorrow! Could definitely use some cheering up.
HYDE: Aww... I hate that feeling. But I could come if you don't mind going to bed by 1:00 and a 6:45 alarm... Up to you.
NARC: Of course you can come, but are you sure that's enough sleep for you?)

Or so the conversation went...

I've got more to say about last week, including some crazy drama with my therapist, prompting the switch, but if I don't get out of here soon, I'll be late to meet B for lunch.

I slept so sweetly with Narc last night. I was cuddled so warmly with him. I loved it! But even putting that aside.. putting all things "Narc" aside... I'm in a pretty good mood today. Hope you all are too! Now, back out into the fucking freezing cold!!!

Brrrrr!!!!!

h

Change?

2007-02-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

So, I did it. Cherubino is now my sponsor. It was such a difficult conversation for me to have! I'm proud of myself though. It's good to know that I can end things. I'm also kind of proud of myself for how I handled Narc last night too. Here's our text exchange:

9:49 pm:
HYDE: What's up? How's your week?

1:09 am:
NARC: Just back in... Week ok, brief health scare with my mother, but better now., Drinking wine and watching Jon Stewart...

HYDE: Health scare? Glad she's ok. Enjoy the wine & tv. I'm in bed. These hours are rough.

NARC: Pobresita!! By the way, my world conquering has begin. Incredible story to tell you...

HYDE: World conquering? I'm intrigued... I wouldn't put it past you...

NARC: Tell you next time I see you. Hint: "Oceans... Top 10 script of 2006...?

HYDE: What? I'm confused. But seems big. When will I see you?

NARC: Whenever you want to come down of course.

HYDE: :) Maybe tomorrow night... Or Sat. I have to stick to weekends for the moment. I do want to see you. Classes are good. Oh-- and I switched sponsors and therapists!

NARC: Much news! Pity you can't come tonight...

HYDE: I'm half asleep already. Been up since 6:30... Wish you had asked me earlier.

NARC: Been up since 8! Boohoo... If you have to get up in a few, fine. Otherwise...

HYDE: Otherwise what?

NARC: (evil grin) You know what...

HYDE: Hmmm....

NARC: I think a round of Strip Wii Golf...

HYDE: Ha ha! I promise-- tomorrow or Sat. Your pick. As for tonight, sweet dreams. I'm thinking of you... :)

NARC: Hmmph. My weekend is tough, doing this reality series prop... Tonight is really the night my dear-- else next week...?

(By now it was 1:57 am)

NARC (again): Drat... And now I have the worst craving for a cig...!

HYDE: Tonight is not the night for me. Let's talk tomorrow and figure it out. Nite.

NARC: Yeah yeah...

HYDE: Kisses. And good night again.

And that was that.

Anyway, in a few minutes, I'm heading off to meet Meema for lunch, so I've gotta run.

More later...

love,
h

I'm about to...

2007-02-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

...talk to my sponsor, Talis, about switching. I've asked Cherubino to be my sponsor and she's agreed. I'm really scared of this conversation though.

There was also some major drama with my therapist this week. I am switching therapists too.

Oh-- and I haven't seen Narc in a full week. We haven't spoken in a few days. It's weird, but I don't really miss him.

Is the obsession lifting?

I'm scared to call Talis. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I am terrible at this...

-h-

UPDATE:
I called her and she didn't pick up the phone! She stood me up for our appointment. Now I can't unload the anxiety anywhere. Ugh. Maybe it's for the best.

The Year in Review! The Annals at Two!

2007-02-01T08:14:00.000-05:00

Remember that "Year in Review" post I started back in December? Well, I figured that unless I put it up in installments, I'll NEVER get it finished. So, if you care for a walk down memory lane, here are the first three months of 2006.

(Oh-- and I wrote the intro to this post in December.)

Well, here we go... My yearly round up!

Last year at this time I was freaking out because Narc had discovered my blog address and I had to relocate. We had a few drunken fights about it. I ran out of the Patriot and called Hammer and said that I wanted to kill myself. Back in the bar, Narc grabbed me and kissed me and said he still loved me. He was mad that he was called "Narc" and that there was someone else called "the Stallion."

Was that really my life?

A few days later, NDN and I set off for Buenos Aires where we brought in the New Year. And thus, I present: the Year in Review!

January:

I spent most of the first week in Argentina (having some very strange dreams, might I add!). Hammer and I were in a fight, but made up shortly.

Things were fine between me and Narc until I heard that he was taking PopStarChick to see my favorite opera for her birthday (which he later blogged about, prompting tears from me). Later in the month, he told me that he would have rather gone to the opera with me, but that he's "just not boyfriend material." Then he puked in Bar and Books.

I had a date with the Stallion, who told me (again!) that he "loves me." In the meantime, I was still doing a shitload of coke and listening to the SNL Narnia rap. Narc discovered his six month old chocolate ice cream still in my freezer. I rehearsed for Beethoven's Ninth at Carnegie and thought about "surrender." NDN and I went to see a boxing match in a church basement. I met TT (at least I remembered meeting him this time!) and B and I had a major falling out over whether or not to watch Season 5 of "24" together.

Double-T and I went out on our first date. Hammer and I brunched at Daddy-O's and watched 24 with the Wizard. (Hammer burned a bag of popcorn.)

Towards the end of the month, Narc got drunk and violent with me at Cheers in front of everyone. In the meanwhile, he couldn't stop talking about PopStar singing "Amarantine" with Enya on Regis & Kelly. I tried to quit drinking and made it four days. I tried to quit Narc as well, and finally tossed his age-old ice cream.

IrishBird sang "Broken Wing" and dedicated it to me. Hammer and I went to hear BHL speak at the 92nd Street Y. I tried to get rid of my black hair, rather unsucessfully. The Wizard told me that Narc is "like a Mack truck."

Narc ditched me after I took him to see Cosi fan tutte and Hammer and I smoked pot while watching SNL.

The month came to a close hearing BarMan play at Back Fence, partying with him, ThursdayGirl and Bulgi afterwards.

February:

I drank champagne in the bath and had hallucinations of Narc. I read The Life of Pi and a memoir about Alcoholism. In the meanwhile, I started taking a cabaret class and continued to date Double-T.

Narc and I exchanged strange (and strangely frank) emails in which I thought we were "breaking up." My friend Singrl came to town and I met her fiancee. Then I went to see Brokeback with Masseuse and ThursdayGirl.

Narc and I had another drunken fight, after which he told me he blacked it out. When I told him that it hurt-- that he was "treating me poorly on purpose," he acknowledged my feelings with an "I can imagine."

It snowed. I got a pink eye and felt like a hermit. Narc invited me and Hammer to his "Oscar party" (but later took it back). I had a great afternoon watching La Traviata with my mom.

TT cooked me lasagna and I gave him a blow job, but it messed me up emotionall, as I was still head over heels for Narc. I started giving him "wake up" calls in the morning after my early morning classes.

I tried twice to quit drinking, but couldn't make it past a week. An evening at the opera with Anxious ended with another "who's more wild" competition.

I cooked Narc dinner and he told me that PopStar and Exhibitionist are both materialistic "gold-diggers." That same night, I told Narc that I couldn't sleep with TT because I was in love with him. He said to "get over him."

March:

I had a creepy dream about St. Lucy. Narc avoided having sex with me (due to our February conversation) but soon changed his mind and we started up again. He told me that we act as "crutches" for each other.

Hammer and I went to "Salmon Night." I started leaving myself drunk voice-mails to cope with my massive blackouts. I kept dating TT and kept doing coke. I bought a matroyshka hammer. My drinking continued to get worse and I was depressed.

I helped Narc clean up from the Oscar party to which I was disinvited. Edgar died on "24." I took TT to a party a friend of mine had at the Bulgarian Club and Hammer and a few of her friends came along. That same night, we ended up at Marie's and Hammer met SingMan.

Narc started renovating his apartment. He and I had another "violent' night, but the next day we "scrapped it," ordering in Dominoes and watching Blade Runner and Alien. NDN and I went on an excursion to Brighton Beach in search of a banya hat. I got the flu.

Narc called me "dude" and asked to borrow $100. NDN "cuddled me into submission" and convinced me and Hammer to go to Pizzaria Uno's with him, but he and Hammer fought later in the night. The Stallion asked me out for lunch. ("No blackouts," as he put it.) It led to a crazy day with multiple dates-- sex with Narc in the morning, lunch with the Stallion in the afternoon, coffee with B, dinner with TT and then back to Narc at night.

Hammer and I got obessed with the word "minger." NDN and I went to see La Boheme with his alumni association. Afterwards, we went out for my friend NV's birthday. Narc met us at the bar, where we encountered a crazy guy named Merlin who gave me some coke.

Narc got a new phone and gave me a special ringtone. But he also told me that I owed him money and it pissed me off because he was mistaken. I went to Overlook with Hammer and EF. I lent Narc more money. We got wasted at Manchester Pub and he punched me in the chest.

I sang in a concert, NDN brought me fried chicken from Georgia and B and I had a "heart to heart." Narc and I watched a lot of American Idol. I drank more and more and got less and less sleep. I was feeling very "stuck."

The Plant-Boy's Tears

2007-01-31T14:44:00.000-05:00

So, here's the surprise I was telling you about-- when Brick was a little boy, he was a phenomenally talented chorister. In fact, he premiered this piece by Philip Glass, which we later found on CD.

If you want to hear Brick as a little angel,

Listen Here

(He starts singing about halfway through the track, so be patient...)

Hearing it made me teary for a lot of reasons.

Anyway, I have a lot going on this week... I know I've been low on blogging, but I'm hoping to catch up in another day or two.

Hope you are all well!

Love,
h

Hammerlicious

2007-01-27T17:03:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Hammer!!!

Hammer and I are going to see a Broadway show in honor of her 30th.

This weekend has been pretty good so far, except for the fact that I'm getting sick. My throat hurts when I swallow and I'm feeling a little feverish. Brick and I made an exciting discovery online, but I have to wait another day or two to tell you what it is.

Hmm... what else? I went with LilSis and JBC to talk to the florist about their wedding. The arrangements she's put together are absolutely gorgeous! It's going to be such a beautiful wedding. Afterwards, we ate at Benihana, which is always fun.

This morning I went to a new meeting-- a women's meeting. It was really great. I actually knew 8 of the 30 + women already. I guess I am starting to find a niche in the AA community. Afterwards I went out for breakfast with some of them. I have a lot of thoughts about women, AA, blah, blah, blah, but no time to write about it or think about it all right now.

Anyway, that's it for the moment. I just wanted to put up a quick post in honor of Hammer. Tomorrow I'll be working on my syllabi, and come Monday I'll be teaching again and taking classes.

The party's over, so to speak...

Hope you're all enjoying the weekend too...

love,
h

Dream-o-Meter: Valentine Baby

2007-01-25T23:17:00.000-05:00

I had a weird dream last night. I was pregnant and had a baby. I remember thinking that I was able to have a sober pregnancy. (I'm sure this is related to the fact that my 9 month anniversary is coming up on February 9th). Anyway, I had a beautiful little red-haired girl. It was Narc's baby. I named her "Valentine."

In my dream, I brought the baby to show Narc.

"This is little Valentine," I said.

"I'm surprised she doesn't have dark hair," he told me.

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you name her 'Valentine' for the Count of Monte Cristo? That Valentine has dark hair. And besides-- your hair is naturally dark. I'm surprised she doesn't look more like you."

"I guess she just takes after her Daddy," I said.

"That's not my baby," he told me.

And for some reason, in the dream, I knew that he was right. It wasn't his. It had no father. It was some sort of immaculate conception or something...

Anyway, in the next part of my dream, I brought the baby to my high school and bumped into my 9th grade Social Studies teacher, Mr. Sun.

"I'm not surprised you named her Valentine," he said.

Later on in the dream, Narc called me and told me that I had to find a babysitter.

"It's almost February 9th," he said. "It's La Boheme night. We have a date. Or did you forget?"

Hmm... It was a dream that reeked of 2005-- the infamous Valentine's Day when Narc masturbated in front of Anxious... and the following week--the day he stood me up for Boheme.

In any case, it was a strange dream.

Right now, I'm getting ready for bed. Brick is here watching Glitter on TV. I refused to join. Narc was over here this afternoon. I gave him a blow job until I almost puked. Then I went to AA. More incongruity, huh?

The Stallion called me this afternoon... He's still living in San Diego, so that's a safe enough distance away.

I'm tired now. I think I'm getting a sore throat. (And no-- not from the blow job. I'm just really run down.)

Brick is making me crazy right now. I need to go take a shower and go to sleep.

Good night, all...

-h-

PS: I switched to new blogger. My computer pressured me into it. I hope I don't regret it.

Hardcore

2007-01-24T17:18:00.000-05:00

Something is wrong with me. I'm such an addict. I spent about six hours today looking at horribly, horribly violent pornography online. I seriously have to be careful not to foster another addiction... Then I went to get coffee. I'm making myself get dressed now, even though it's after 5:00 pm. I'm going to go to a cafe and try to get some work done...

While I was crossing the street to the deli, I put on my iPod. Whitney Houston's "All at Once" was playing (a song I use to get lost in Narc-ful reverie). How can the same girl sit in front of her computer and look at the stuff I look at for so many hours (trust me-- a lot of people couldn't stomach it) and then listen to Whitney Houston? My own incongruity is causing me to short circuit.

At least there's a belated viewing of 24 tonight with Hammer. Hammer always seems to remind me that it's okay to be incongrous... and in her way, she restores me to sanity.

Okay... that was my confession for the day. Time to go put on some jeans and get the hell out of the house.

-h-

The Catch Up Continues...

2007-01-24T09:36:00.000-05:00

I want to write something this week about what I've been going through with my fourth step and my thoughts about a "higher power," but I don't have it in me right now. As I never finished writing that "catch up, catch up, catch up!" post from last week, here's a feeble attempt to finish it:

Thursday, January 11th:

I was still in the pits of depression that day. It was the day after the chocolate pizza with Dan. I felt gross and ate a lot of pasta and then felt worse, so I popped some caffeine pills. (I know-- not a very "sober" thing to do). Later that day I met Slope for coffee and had a triple shot espresso. She's pretty cool-- a screenwriter (like Narc!). She's smart, but she's only 22 and I can feel the difference, if you know what I mean.

After the meeting that night, I went out for "fellowship" with Cherubino and some others, including a thoroughly crazy woman, Joyful, who kept showing everyone the slashes through her wrists, as she had just attempted suicide a few days earlier. I ended up giving Joyful my phone number and while I know it was the right thing to do in the AA world, I came to regret it, as she left me several wacky messages that left me feeling stressed out and imposed upon. But I guess, those are my issues...

Friday, January 12th:

That Friday I went to the movies with B and bought a new iPod nano at the Circuit City at Union Square. I sent Narc a picture of my new toy.

You just got it? Why not wait for the iPhone??? he wrote.

I can't afford an iPhone, was my reply.

Anyway, that night I met Cherubino at a meeting on the Upper West Side. Crazy Joyful was there and I had to tactfully disentangle myself from conversation afterwards. Then Cherubino and I headed over to her apartment where we talked about life, boys and sponsorship, watched a Harry Potter movie and she straightened my hair.

Saturday, January 13th:

On Saturday I planned to head out to Long Island to look at dresses for LilSis' wedding with BigSis and my mom. As I was getting ready to go, I got a text from Brick. (This was before he decided to come back to AA...)

Hey girl! he wrote.

Hey, I answered.

Brick: Just read ur blog. Is Mystic back?

Hyde: Ha ha! Looks like he's still here as a commenter...

And then he called. So, I picked up. We talked for a long time. Brick told me that everything was fine-- that he was happy and that he had successfully become a "social drinker." I wasn't about to argue. (At this point, given Brick's recently renewed commitment to sobriety, I don't think it's worth trying to recreate that entire conversation.) That said, we talked for over an hour. I was moody for the rest of the afternoon. I felt like crying in the bridal shop and didn't feel better until I had downed a tremendous Starbucks coffee. After the coffee, BigSis headed home and I went to my mom's place to spend some time with my stepbrother. I taught him how to play the "Jeopardy song" on the piano. We also sang a somewhat revisionist version of the Doors "Light my Fire." Then I packed up and ate dinner at the Ground Round with my parents and my stepbrother before making the return trip to the city.

Sunday, January 14th:

That Sunday I met B at church in the morning. He was serving as an acolyte. The boy sitting in the pew behind me sang his hymns earnestly and at a respectable volume. I was privately amused. Afterwards we lunched at the diner before parting ways. Brick sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet up with him that night, but I told him I couldn't. Instead, we made plans to have lunch together the following afternoon. I was nervous about it though. I wasn't sure that it was the right thing for me. I hadn't seen him in over a month. I was still pretty heartbroken that he wasn't there for me the week of my birthday.

Later that night, I headed over to Narc's for the season premiere of 24. I brought some Ben & Jerry's and Narc ordered us Vietnamese, but then we had a little spat about how to watch the show. I wanted to watch in "real time" including commercials, as I am in the habit of texting B during the commercials and occasionally calling my mom. "24" is the only show I have like that-- my friends watch at the same time as I do and it's a shared experience. Narc said "no."

"Nope. We're not doing it that way. I don't watch commercials."

I stared at him dumbfounded.

"But I always watch it like that. It's important to me. Please, Narc?"

"No. I don't watch commercials and that's that."

"Narc! I can't believe this. Please!!!"

"I said no."

He shot me a look of awful finality. I could feel the tears welling up in my throat and my eyes and the flush of my cheeks. But, Narc is Narc and there was nothing I could do. I turned away from him in silence.

Don't text me during the show, I wrote to B. I'm starting late.

The air between us was heavy. I'm one of those people who carry a really strong energy-- an aura that's not hard to feel, and I know that Narc was suffocated by it in the moments following our exchange.

The clock struck 9:00 pm. The show was about to start. I looked at him pleadingly. He didn't say anything. The show began to run. And then, the commercials came. And he let us keep them on.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!" I cried, leaping across the couch onto his chest and beaming up at him.

"Ugh! All these dumb ads," he mumbled.

But it was sweet.

It's not sweet, it's ridiculous, Hyde. He's 30 years old. Why did he have to make you feel so bad about a simple request like watching the commercials? Why did you stay? Why do you give all of your power away?

I shoved that voice away to wherever voices like that go and for the rest of the evening, I rested comfortably in an oblivious denial.

Monday, January 15th:

The next morning, Narc made me breakfast. Yes-- you read that right! He made breakfast! It was quite a display. It even included yogurts in perfect little bowls and a cheese plate adorned with blueberries. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe.

Brick and I spoke on the phone briefly and made plans to meet later in the afternoon. Unfortunately, there was some confusion about the planning and I thought that Brick was blowing me off again.

I came down hard on him:

Brick-- either call me soon or don't call me ever again, I wrote. I have no more patience for this.

Brick has the ability to get under my skin like no other. I told him that he's some sort of "gay best-friend" version of Narc. That's the best I can explain it. As Hammer pointed out-- I often need a lot of recovery time from both. Anyway, after the mini-drama, we ended up meeting up anyway. We ate at the Comfort Diner. It was strange to see him again after not having seen him for so long-- especially because he was drinking. I told him that it was best not to talk about it. He agreed.

"Even if you're drinking happily, it's hard for me to hear," I said. "In my book, whether it's one drink on a weekend or a hundred during the week, you're an alcoholic who's drinking and that's sad."

I was sad.

That night, Brick came over for the Golden Globes pre-show and then I ended up watching the second half of the "24" premiere alone.

Tuesday, January 16th:

I'm trying to remember what happened on Tuesday... It was fairly unremarkable except for the fact that I tried out an appointment with a new therapist. I love the therapist I'm seeing right now, but she's not covered by my insurance, and as I am still getting a lot of financial support from my parents, I really can't justify having health insurance that will cover therapy and not using it. I didn't really click with this new woman, though, so we'll see...

Oh-- later in the day, I had an appointment with a nutritionist. Someone who specializes in "addictive nutrition." I learned an incredible amount from that appointment, and it's enough to warrant its own post, so I'll leave it at that.

Wednesday, January 17th:

I guess last week really was "mental health" week. After all of the depression the week before, I had to do something. So, after the therapist and the nutritionist on Tuesday, I went to see a psychiatrist on Wednesday. He wants to try a different combination to help with my depression, but I haven't switched over yet. Again, more on that at some point in the future, I guess...

Thursday, January 18th:

On Thursday I met Bezoukhoff at Union Square for lunch, followed by tea (I had a flavor called "Marco Polo"), followed by the three hour documentary, Verdict on Auschwitz. It was depressing, to say the least. And it was Thursday that I got the text from Brick:

I need AA.

I promised to meet with him as soon as he got out of work. I can't tell you how glad I was to see him willing to try again.

Bezoukhoff and I went to Whole Foods where I bought oat milk (part of the conversation with the nutritionist the day before) and he accompanied me back to my house where we hung out for a while. And then, I headed out to meet Brick at the diner. Brick wanted to stay over my place that night, but I didn't think it was a good idea. Instead, I summoned all of my will power (after all, "I'm just a girl who can't say 'no.'") and I told him that he had to go home. I ended up going back to his place with him, tossing the beer, helping him change his sheets and crawling into bed with him until he fell asleep, but I did ultimately end up going home by myself and I was proud of myself for that. It was even harder for me because Narc had texted me earlier in the evening, inviting me over to his place. I told him that I couldn't-- that I was helping a friend with some personal drama.

Ah yes-- never-ending, it seems, he replied. Chicken soup time!

Friday, January 19th:

The next night I had plans to return to Long Island again. My mom made an appointment for me to meet with the couturier at the bridal shop. This time, I invited Brick to come. I met him in midtown in an attempt to make a meeting with him, but our meeting book was not up to date and a security guard informed us that the meeting wasn't happening. So, instead, it was off to Penn Station. Once at my parents house, my mom fed us Chinese food, and then we all sat around the piano with my stepbrother and sang. Once my stepbrother went to bed, Brick, my mom, LilSis and I sat around the fire place and talked.

Friday was the day I sent Narc the "I love you" text. As you know, he wrote back "love you too, Call later," and "call later" he did. He said that he had just finished dinner with ModelChick and was in my neighborhood.

"I thought I might come up and see you," he said.

"I would love that, but I'm with my parents on Long Island."

"Ah... doing the family thing?"

"Yeah. But how about Sunday, Narc? We could watch Rome together if you want."

"Sure, that sounds great."

I was surprised that he accepted my proposal. It's not like him to be willing to make plans, and I was happy. (Little did I know at the time, he would later blow me off and Sunday night would never happen.)

Saturday, January 20th:

On Saturday, I started off the day by making eggs for Brick and my stepbrother before Brick, LilSis, my mom and I headed back to the bridal shop. After an afternoon of trying on dresses, my mom, my stepfather, Brick and I drove into Queens to see The Good German. There was a little bit of confusion before the film started-- we ended up in the wrong theater and had to relocate at the last minute-- but we eventually got it worked out. It was a strange movie. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it.

There was a bitter chill in the air on Saturday and after dinner, we grabbed some pizza for dinner. Then Brick and I had to brave the cold waiting on the Long Island Railroad platform to get back home.

That night we bummed around my place and watched The Devil Wears Prada. Brick stayed over.

Sunday, January 21st:

On Sunday morning, Brick took off while I was still "mosey-ing" and then I headed over to the West Side for brunch with TT. We met at Vynl. I got there first. When TT arrived, he gave me a kiss and a hug hello. I still feel a little awkward around him, but he's a nice guy... TT paid for brunch (was it a date? a meal shared by friends? who the fuck knows... I did "the reach" and offered him something, so I have no guilt...) and invited me over to his place afterwards. He recently moved into a new apartment-- a place he bought. It's cute, but apparently it was a real "fixer upper" and he did most of the work himself. He showed me some "before and after" pictures of the place and I have to admit-- it's truly impressive how much he turned that place around.

The rest of our hang out was strange. We ended up sitting on the couch, drinking diet coke and chatting when the subject of musical theater came up. Then he started trying to describe to me some musical episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"-- a show that I never watched. I expressed some polite interest in what he was saying, which led to him finding the DVD and playing me the episode. So... that's what we did-- we drank diet coke, sat in awkwardly close proximity to each other and watched Buffy.

At around 4:00 I headed back to my apartment where I once again met up with Brick. We hung out for the rest of the afternoon and then went for sushi.

That evening, Brick and I watched Friends with Money. NDN came up to say hi to us and to share some of his recently purchased kvass. NDN (for some reason I can't quite explain) ended up kissing my neck and leaving me with a hickey. Brick stayed over again that night.

***************

So... that brings me up to date until this week. There's still Monday to write about with its "Step Four" crisis and my visit to Narc and then yesterday-- lunch with B, a meeting with PR-Prof (the new professor), and an awkward conversation with Narc to close the day.

But, I'm tired of writing and I want to start my day, so that's it for now.

Yay! I have done my blog-duties and completed my "catch up." I'm relieved.

love,

h

Decisions

2007-01-23T14:20:00.000-05:00

I've been making some bad decisions lately... and having trouble making decisions. Yesterday I sort of "had it out" with my sponsor. I'm thinking that I have to switch sponsors. This hasn't been working for me for a very long time. I don't think I'm ready for my fourth step either. I told her that. I hope she can respect it. I'm supposed to meet with her tonight at 5:00.

First I have to meet with a professor for a possible independent study. I have to leave my house in a few minutes or else I'll be late.

As for Narc, nothing has changed... I love him, I hate him, I love him, I hate him.

After a lovely "Russian feast" lunch with NDN, I had a mini-breakdown yesterday while trying to do my fourth step. I ended up on the phone with my therapist and a bunch of women from AA. Then I treked up to a meeting, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes with fat snowflakes landing on my shoulders. Hammer and I had to cancel our 24 night, as she was stuck on the runway returning from Arizona. While I was at the meeting, Narc left me two messages:

Hey, it's me. Just giving you a ring. It's like ten past six or something like that. Getting through my day. I'm actually watching "The Illusionist" right now-- not a very good movie. Just can't really get into it. Yeah, sorry I had to cancel on you last night. My friend L was over last night and it sort of stretched out into this long dramatic thing. Brother in Iraq, 30 killed, she doesn't think he's one of them but doesn't know yet. Blah blah blah. Um... No good at all, I suppose. I tivo'd "Rome" but have not watched it yet... but you probably watched it last night. Yeah, 24 this evening. Sure you have plans to watch it with somebody or some such thing. But, I will be viewing myself if you want to come down and say hello. Give me a call when you can...

And then:

Oh, Hyde-een. "Ms. H" as your students called you. It is 8:30. 30 minutes to 24. Actually, in my case it's more like 40 minutes, because I REFUSE to view the commercials so I'm going to be starting late. So... yes... Anyway, sure you have your 24 plans, but give a call when you can. Okay, bye.

When I got home, we texted a little.

Hyde: May do 24 alone tonight. Just got home. A lot on my mind... But will call later...

Narc: Will start watching in 3o min or so if you want to come down.

Hyde: Need to be alone for a while. But maybe in an hr or 2, if you're still up for it, will swing by. Let you know...

Narc: Everything OK? Will hold off on "24" for an hour or so...

Hyde: Yeah, I'm ok. Just going through a lot internally. Hard to articulate. Esp. in a text.

Narc: Perhaps this is the transformation you've been waiting for? Playing "Call of Duty" in the meantime... (wink)

Hyde: Coming in half an hour. Want food?

Narc: Junk food of course! Cool Ranch doritos. Gatorade, etc.

Hyde: K.

Later that evening, he fucked me but wouldn't kiss me. I felt like Hammer with Timesy. The other day Brick and I watched a movie-- "Friends with Money." Narc is the perfect combination of the two guys Jennifer Aniston dates in that movie. Ugh. I also found out that he had made up his story about L's brother in Iraq. He invited her to meet up with him for drinks after he told me that he was already with her being supportive about her brother. He is a liar, but I already knew that. Oh, and apparently, he thinks PopStar is "cheating on him," but he still says he's in love with her and wants to marry her. As the Wizard once put it... a Mac truck is a Mac truck. No one to blame except for myself. There's no hatred for Narc left in me... only for myself.

I am seriously losing it, though. I feel so very lost.

In the meanwhile, I am awash with unwanted suitors. I had brunch with TT on Sunday, a new guy from AA-- OddBall called me to ask me out this weekend (I am so not interested, and it makes me feel "awkward"), and the Smolderer (from Cheers) has been calling trying to get me to go out with him and to buy into some herbal pyramid scheme he is selling. It's all bullshit.

I need to find a "higher power" and I can't. I need to backtrack.

I have decisions to make, but it's all so dark. And I don't trust anyone.

Anyway, gotta run now... I'm gonna be late to meet with the new professor.

love,
h

Repetition Compulsion

2007-01-22T09:24:00.000-05:00

"You can't take it personally, Hyde," Brick said. "He will always choose alcohol over you. ALWAYS."

I suppose he's right.

But my leg hurts.

-h-

Good News!

2007-01-19T17:16:00.000-05:00

I am a happy, happy, happy Hyde with good news all around!

The first piece of good news-- Brick has decided to get sober again. This is the best turn of events imaginable and I hope that I can be a good friend to him while he gets to where he needs to be.

The second piece of good news-- NDN's sister has won a radio contest in CA and gets to meet Kiefer Sutherland tomorrow! This, of course, doesn't impact my life directly, but if NDN's sister gropes Kiefer and then NDN gropes his sister and then gropes me... Well... indirectly, I might get something out of it.

The third piece of good news-- in a nauseating momentary lapse of sanity this afternoon, I sent Narc a text: I love you. I wrote. Then I got really scared, hid the phone under my pillows, went into the living room, turned on some music and tried to sweep the floor. I really thought I might puke, but I am tired of holding everything in, and I just wanted to tell him. Half an hour later, I got up the guts to check my phone. Would there be no response? Would there be a questioning response? Would there be a discouraging response?

My, we're emotional suddenly!! Love you too, call later. he wrote.

My heart is soaring.

It's good to be feeling better this week.

Oh-- and one more piece of good news-- I have almost ironed everything out in terms of an independent study I have to take this spring. I found a professor to work with and am going to meet with him on Tuesday.

Life is good when you wait for it... I'm glad I was patient last week.

Love,
h

Catch up! Catch up! Catch up!

2007-01-17T23:32:00.000-05:00

I am long overdue for a post, so I'm just going to backtrack a little bit and get this blog up to speed...

Sunday, January 7th:

This was the Sunday after my dinner party. I was mad at Narc. He skipped out on my party and then called me drunk later that night, cursing at me and calling me names. That Sunday I was at Hammer's place having dinner with her and the Alaskan. Narc called and invited me over "to talk things out." I called him from the cab on the way there.

"I'm telling you now-- I'm not staying over tonight," I said.

"Yeah, fine."

I got to his place at around 11:00.

When I got there, Narc seemed a little "off." I couldn't tell if he were drunk or not, but when I asked him, he said he hadn't had anything to drink that day. He was watching some stand-up comic on HBO. He answered the door and led me over to the couch, redirecting his attention to the television. I sat down next to him and just looked at him.

"Are we going to talk, or what?"

"Um, yeah... What do you want to talk about?" he asked, flicking off the TV and turning to face me.

I just looked at him for a moment, unsure of what to say. I am so bad at confronting my feelings... at confronting the truth.

"Um... well... You were really mean to me on Friday night," I began. I wish I could rid the meekness from my voice.

"I said I was sorry about that."

He stared straight ahead. It was cold.

"I know, but still..."

"I don't know, Hyde," he said softly. "It's just that sometimes those monsters come out... the dark side, you know?"

"So you say," I muttered.

"What do you mean?" he shot back. "I never say that!"

"We had this conversation already, Narc," I sighed. "You said 'the demons come out.' Don't you remember?"

"We did?"

"Yes. We did."

"Well, I don't try to remember everything the way you do. You hold on to too much... live in the past."

"It's not that," I tried to explain. "It's just that if I don't remember, I feel like my reality gets fragile. I can be so easily convinced that these things didn't happen... that I'm crazy... I don't know."

"I'm sorry," he said again. "But did you ever think that you made your party the night of PopStar's birthday?"

I wasn't sure what to say to that.

"I didn't think about it," I answered. "But I suppose I knew... it was a year ago-- that night at the opera."

He didn't say anything.

"Is that why you're depressed, Narc? Is that making you more depressed."

He just sat there, staring away from me. His eyes were getting red.

"Narc? It's okay."

I put my hand on his arm. He still didn't say anything.

"Do you talk to anyone about this?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-- is there anyone in the world you talk to about your feelings? Anyone you can share everything with?"

"No."

"Maybe you should think about that," I said softly. "A therapist or someone? You can't stay like this-- so alone. You'll go crazy."

"I am," he said. His eyes were getting redder.

"You don't have to be alone," I told him.

Again, he didn't answer, so I just continued.

"I know you don't like me to mention AA and all that, Narc, but not even in the context of alcohol, it's helped me. It's helped me make a connection to other people. I'm not saying it's for you. I'm just saying that I know what it feels like not to be able to trust people... to get close to people. I see you. And you don't have to be alone if you don't want to be. There are good people out there."

"Trying to trust people isn't worth it," he said.

His eyes were glassy now. He was starting to cry. My heart hurt so much I couldn't bear it. I wanted to fix everything for him, but could do nothing. So, I just kept talking. I don't want to try to reconstruct what I said. I don't think I have it in me right now. But, I got through to him. Everything melted away for a moment. Everything. We weren't "Hyde" and "Narc." We were just the two of us with no labels, no construction, no roles.

"Can I hug you?" I asked him, tentatively.

"No... No," he said, getting up.

He went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was a tension in the air, as if he were struggling whether or not to raise or lower his emotional walls.

"A nice cold, crisp, diet coke for my Hyde," he said, popping open a can of soda.

I smiled at him.

"Let's go in the other room," he said.

I followed him into the bedroom. He pulled me down onto his chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I love you. I love you so much, I really do. I want to tell you that... know I should tell you that. I love you, and I'm sorry that I was mean. I want to stop drunk dialing you. I want to stop."

"I know," I said. "It's okay. I love you too. And it's all going to be okay."

The rest of the night is better left untouched in my memory. It's for me and Narc alone.

Monday, January 8th:

The next day I opened my eyes to Narc's white bed, white walls and white bedroom. The magic of the night before was gone. The whole world felt blank. Quiet. Strangely quiet and empty. It felt like a strange sort of emotional hangover. Ignoring it the best I could, I spent the morning at Narc's. He said he wasn't feeling well. We agreed that it must have been the excessive drinking... and maybe the sex. I left the apartment to get a coffee and then crawled back into bed with him. And in bed we stayed, with a brief excursion to the living room couch, until about 2:00 pm.

"I have to get out of the house today," he announced. "I have to. I'm going to go crazy living like this."

"Well, I've got therapy at 4:00."

"I don't want to be alone today," he said. "Can't you stay with me?"

Woah.

"You can come with me," I suggested. "Why don't we go back to my place and then you can just hang there for the hour I'm at my appointment."

I was surprised, but he agreed.

We got in a cab and picked up some Subway for lunch, but Narc couldn't eat much. I tried to feed him gourmet cheese and crackers, left over from the dinner party.

"It looks like you must have served up quite a feast," he remarked.

I didn't like leaving him when I had to go. I am still always so scared that he will get onto the computer and find my blog again, or that he'll peek around and find some diary or something and that he'll know how much I care about him... think about him... and it will disrupt the balance of the universe and leave me morbidly exposed. But, I had to go.

When I returned, he was parked on the couch, just where I left him. Some movie or another was on the television. We ordered dinner from Energy Kitchen. Narc didn't like his fruit shake, so I shared mine. At one point, NDN stopped by to show me his outfit before heading out for a date.

"How do you like my new look?" he asked Narc. "I'm taking a page from your book-- beard, untucked shirt, top button open..."

I was kind of ready to kill him for that one.

"I don't know if I'd take your fashion tips from me," Narc awkwardly laughed.

Yes-- NDN succeeded in making someone feel awkward.

Aside from that, it was a quiet night. It's always a little strange for me when Narc sleeps in my bed.

Tuesday, January 9th:

This day began just like the day before-- a lazy day for me and Narc. We slept in and decided to go to Houston's for lunch. Narc got impatient waiting for me to get ready (or to "mosey," as Brick likes to say). We walked the 20 blocks to the restaurant, so it was clear that Narc was feeling a bit better.

Lunch was interesting. We talked a lot, including a conversation on what makes an "ideal partner."

"I need a muse," Narc said. "Someone to inspire my writing-- to make me write. I need someone who will get me up and get me going... Someone who will make sure that I did my work that day... All the great writers have someone like that."

"That sounds more like a taskmaster than a muse," I remarked.

"No, really," he went on, "I need someone who will force me into shape."

"But, don't you just want someone who will love you the way you are?" I asked. "Someone who will nurture you? Accept you? I find more inspiration to move myself in the right direction from people who support and accept me than from those who criticize me and demand a certain standard..."

"That's what your friends are for," he said. "Your friends are there to be your 'pets'-- unconditionally loving. A partner has to demand perfection from you. Inspire you to be better! Make you work!"

"I guess we just have really different ideas about relationships," I said.

But maybe not, I thought to myself. We seem to both be drawn to people who make us feel inadequate. Maybe my tendencies to fall for "reclamation projects" is the same as Narc's search for a cold-hearted "muse."

The conversation was, at best, unsettling. We shared a brownie sundae. I think we were both depressed.

After lunch, we walked down to Union Square. Narc sat in the shoe store and waited while I tried on a pair of sneakers which I didn't buy. Then we poked around in the Virgin Megastore and Forbidden Planet. By that time, it was nearly 5:00 pm.

"I've gotta buy some milk and get to my meeting," I remarked.

"Yeah. I guess I'm gonna go home from here."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

I wanted to hug him.

"A hug?" I asked.

He laughed awkwardly. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed as hard as I could.

And that was that.

Later that night, after the AA meeting, my sponsor pulled me aside and said she wanted to talk to me.

"Why haven't you been calling me every day?" she asked.

"Because I've been depressed," I said.

In truth, I don't know where the depression came from or why it left me so unmotivated to do such little things like make a phone call, but there it was...

I don't particularly feel like reliving that conversation with my sponsor, as it left me incredible irritated with her. In particular, I didn't like the fact that she said that she wishes I "would just trust her" and that when I didn't call it showed a "lack of respect" for her. Trust and respect had nothing to do with it in my mind. It was simply a matter of depression. I didn't know how to get myself to the starting point where she needed me to be. Of course, I hardly articulated any of that. I just nodded sweetly and promised to do better.

When I left her, I started to walk home and called BigSis, as she had left me a message earlier in the day.

And then I lost it. I started to cry on the phone with BigSis and everything started to spiral into chaos. I was sobbing and hysterical and telling BigSis that I had been feeling suicidal and that I couldn't help it and that I still feel suicidal here and there and can't stop it. I was utterly overwhelmed and alone.

She really helped me. I have to say, I am so lucky to have the family that I do. (It also doesn't hurt that she's a therapist!) She talked me through what I was feeling and cut it down into smaller manageable pieces and made a plan for me to get through the next day. I never would have reached out to her for help... it just sort of happened that we were on the phone when I had that breakdown... but I'm really glad that she was there and that I was able to expose myself like that. I'm usually much more controlled about what I present on the outside.

Wednesday, January 10th:

Anyway, the next day I was depressed and didn't do much all day until it was time for AA. Meema came over for a little while before the meeting and then we walked to our meeting together. Afterwards, I had plans to meet Dan for dinner. We ate at Blockhead's and then headed down to the East Village for a culinary adventure-- the now infamous chocolate pizza! It was good to spend time with a friend and it definitely did a lot to get me out of myself and out of my depression. We had fun.

****************************************

This is taking sooooooooo long to get through! I'm going to have to resume my efforts at blog catch-up tomorrow!

Good night!

love,
h

PS: Just a few little bits-- I got an email from my advisor today asking if I wanted to present a paper at a conference in April. Yay! Also-- Narc and I talked on the phone last night for over an hour. Weird. Also-- Remember PonyTailBoy? He was one of the rejects on last night's American Idol. I was laughing about it. Oh-- and one more thing. Narc put my toothbrush in his medicine cabinet. Ok... I'll shut up now.

Lifted Spirits

2007-01-15T20:41:00.000-05:00

I am watching the Golden Globes right now and I have to make this a quick post because I really have to pee. Brick just left my house. Yes, we are talking again. He said that not having been in touch with me and only having access to my life through the blog left him with the impression that I am really depressed. I'm feeling much better, so I had to post and tell you all that.

Last night I watched the season premiere of 24 with Narc.

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!

Oh-- and Spins, if you want to know more about the chocolate pizza, I suggest you check out this video over at Dan's. Yes... I am the eye behind the camera!

Anyway... I'll be back soon with a longer update.

Glad to be feeling better. Now to the bathroom and then back to the Golden Globes. I'm already glad that Hugh Laurie won...

love,
h

Patience

2007-01-12T23:38:00.000-05:00

I desperately need to write something new... about how everything resolved that night between me and Narc... about my extreme depression this week... about my doubts concerning my sponsor... about the chocolate pizza I ate with Dan on Wednesday night.

But I'm not ready to write again just yet.

Tomorrow I'm going out to Long Island to spend the afternoon with my parents. They just got back from Mexico. On the day they returned, Hammer and the Alaskan left for Mexico.

Today I saw "The Curse of the Golden Flower" with B and I bought myself a new iPod nano. I went to a meeting on the Upper West Side and spent the rest of the evening with Cherubino-- an AA friend. She's really cool.

Well... Like I said, I'll be back with the details. Be patient with me, if you will. I'm desperately trying to learn how to be patient with myself.

love,
h

Headache

2007-01-11T17:20:00.000-05:00

I have a headache. It won't go away. All of the light bulbs except one have gone out in my living room. It's dark in here and my Christmas tree is dead.

I didn't leave the house today, but I'm going to a meeting tonight... I just got dressed.

I can't live like this another day.

I need an out.

h

Coming Together, Coming Apart.

2007-01-09T22:12:00.000-05:00

I had planned to write more tonight, but then, I didn't plan on crying. I'm so fucking tired of holding everything together. I'm tired of being sober. I'm tired of not being perfect. I'm tired.

I cried it out, but it's still there... it's all in me and nothing has changed.

That said, things with Narc went as smoothly as possible. He called me on Sunday night when I was at Hammer's place.

"Hyde-eeen," he said, as he is prone to do. "We need to talk. Are you with people?"

"Yes, I'm with people."

"Can you call me when you're not with people?"

"Um, yeah..."

"So call me tonight."

"Okay."

Then I went back to watching "American Princess" with Hammer and the Alaskan.

Anyway, that night I ended up going to Narc's. I know how it sounds... but, it was a minor-miracle of a night. We had an honest, loving, open and vulnerable conversation and proceeded to spend the next two days together. But I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. My eyes are too red and swollen, and I'm too cried out to attempt it right now.

I was scolded by my sponsor today. I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up. I had two or three drunk dreams in the past week. And I don't feel like talking to anybody. I feel like a phony all the time because I don't want to engage with anyone. I hate people. And I'm fucking sick of life.

Okay, now I sound just plain nasty. I better stop writing before it gets much worse. Perhaps tomorrow will find me in better spirits.

Good night, all.

love,
hyde

His response.

2007-01-06T17:45:00.000-05:00

He called me while I was on my way back from the opera.

"So, I got your email," he said.

"Yeah..."

"And, I have to tell you-- I don't even remember calling you. I must have drunk dialed again."

"Yeah."

"And, well, I don't remember saying that stuff. You know how it is..."

"Yeah. That's why I wrote you an email with the play by play."

"I went out with Ethan last night," he explained. "He came by to pull me out of my torpor. And then I ended up downing three bottles of champagne. You know... it was the champagne talking, so..."

There was a considerable pause.

"Is that all you have to say?" I asked, accusingly.

"I wasn't finished," he snapped back.

"So...?"

"What is this?" he asked. "Do you have some list of checkpoints that I have to get through?"

He was clearly angry with me now.

"You've got your whole list of things you're waiting to hear?"

"No, Narc. I only want to hear one thing."

"Well, I am sorry, Hyde, okay?" There was still an accusing edge in his voice. "What do you want from me? It was the champagne. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. It didn't mean anything."

Nothing ever means anything with you, I wanted to say, but I didn't.

"Is that enough for you?" he went on. "It's just the alcohol. It's no big deal. Or does your cult tell you otherwise?"

"Narc, why are you attacking me?!? Don't I have the right to be hurt? I'm hurt. That's all."

"Yes, you have the right," he muttered.

"So... How was your dinner party?" he asked, with a change of tone.

"Fine. Although, I wish you were there."

"I wish I could have been there too," he said. "I wish I could have come, but I just wasn't up to it."

I felt myself losing it-- about to cry or about to twist myself in knots in order to give in to his logic.

"I can't talk about this right now, Narc."

"What's that?"

"I said-- I can't talk right now. I have to go."

"Okay. Well, give me a call later," he said.

"Fine. Bye."

"Bye."

And that was that.

I feel numb and sick at the same time.

-h-

Taking Action

2007-01-06T10:58:00.000-05:00

Okay... so, I did something about it. I sent him an email. I feel nervous, but I did it. Here's what I wrote:

*******************
Narc,

Because I don't know if you remember...

Last night, after being "too depressed" to come to my dinner party, you called me just after 3:00 am and you were wasted. You said that there were police nearby and that you had to move or else you would be "arrested." I was confused and concerned and asked you what was going on, but you never explained. Instead, you told me that you got to a park in Tribeca and were sitting on a bench. I asked you if you were safe and you ignored the question.

I asked you what you had been doing.

"Thinking about that I didn't come to your party," you said, refusing to be any more specific than that.

I asked you why you didn't come.

"Because of you and me," you said.

I asked you what you meant. It was hard to get a coherent answer, but from what I was able to understand, you said something about not wanting to come because "there is NO you and me."

Immediately after that, you demanded that I get into a cab to come see you.

"Why would I do that?" I asked.

Each and every time I tried to speak, you interrupted me and said "fuck you." You called me a "moron" and a "wanker" and cursed at me repeatedly.

I could hardly get a word in through your barage of insults. Finally, you decided you had enough.

"You know where I live," you said. "If you want to come down here, get in a cab and come. I'm done. I'm DONE!"

And with that, you hung up on me.

So, basically-- you skipped out on my party, woke me up in the middle of the night, insulted and belittled me and then demanded I get out of bed and come to see you. And then, when I wouldn't, you hung up on me! WHAT the FUCK?

I understand that you were drunk, but I can't accept being treated with that kind of disrespect anymore. I don't deserve it. I feel bad for you, Narc. But I don't confuse pity with love anymore. I have tried to be a good friend to you and to be there for you the best I can in spite of my confused feelings and despite the fact that it eats away at my self esteem. I don't feel like you value me at all as a friend or as a human being. I'm tired of seeing myself as a worthless human being when reflected back in your eyes.

Do you remember Thursday night? You said that you love me. I don't know if you meant that, or if you just like to hear yourself say it. But, every time you get drunk you either tell me that you love me profusely or you call me names and curse at me and insult me. It's exhausting.

I wanted to have a nice evening last night. I worked really hard on the dinner and I was looking forward to you being there. I wanted to wake up today feeling good about it. Instead, I woke up this morning feeling sick and sad and angry and tired.

I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't deserve it. So, stop it.

I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

hyde

I'm getting angry.

2007-01-06T09:41:00.000-05:00

I'm getting angry, but I don't know how to nurture it and let it happen. I was sick again this morning-- the first time I've thrown up over Narc-feelings in a long time. Only, this time I wasn't throwing up because I feel powerless and out of control. It's because I feel angry.

I really hope you remember in the morning the disrespectful things you say to me. Unbelievable! I wrote to him last night.

That was after he flaked on my dinner party because he was too "depressed" to socialize, called me at 3:00 am wasted, called me a moron, cursed at me, demanded I get in a cab to come and see him, and hung up on me after a string of "fuck you's."

I don't know how to feel what I need to feel. I want to let it happen, but I'm short circuiting and it won't.

In any case, aside from Narc's antics, my dinner party was a smash. I'll tell you all about it soon. Today I'm off to see I Puritani with Meema.

I hate him. And I hate myself too.

I wish I could just hate him.

I wish I could really get angry.

The "New Year" in Review

2007-01-05T09:07:00.000-05:00

I can't quite get myself in the mood to blog lately. Perhaps it's because I have my giant "year in review" post still looming over my head. In any case, here's a quick update as to what's been going on:

On the afternoon of New Year's eve, I had lunch with B and Drippy and B's little brother. Then we all went to see Pan's Labyrinth. I feel like Drippy is finally warming up around me and relaxing a little, which is nice. She and B asked me to do a reading at their wedding in August, which I feel a little strange about, but I agreed. I hadn't seen B's brother since he was 12. (He's now a sophomore at Harvard!). His brother was shy and cerebral and really sweet. He reminded me of a "little B," and it warmed my heart.

I went to my parents house for New Year's Eve. My cousins came by with their baby and LilSis, my parents and I watched Little Miss Sunshine. My stepfather left the room after a few minutes, though, because he said it was too "spooky" for him. Ha ha! Oh-- also a sign of how crazy my family is: My mom wanted to make baked apples. My stepfather had picked out a particular apple from the supermarket with a pink flush on it "because it was blushing." LilSis and I thought that was so cute that we refused to eat the apple. My mom suggested that we photograph the apple for posterity's sake and then eat it. We did. At midnight we watched the ball drop at Times Square on TV. My mom suggested we toast with Airborn. I insisted on soda instead. I was anxious.

On New Year's day, my mom and I listened to a radio program about Leonard Cohen and then she took me to the supermarket and drove me back into the city. That night I went back over to Narc's place where I watched him play Call of Duty III while laying on his floor reading a book. The next day, Narc and I met Hammer and the Alaskan for lunch at Manatus.

That was an interesting meal. Narc and the Alaskan were able to bond over things like Star Wars, while the Alaskan engaged the table in a hearty debate about Sartre. Shortly after lunch, Narc jumped into a cab and Hammer, the Alaskan and I headed over to the Tea Spot to chat some more about life (the "meta-" New Year's party they had attended, my ontological crisis of being when I'm with Narc, the merits of HBO's Rome, LilHammer's upcoming wedding, etc).

After that, we strolled in pursuit of some specialty food marts to buy tapioca to make our own "bubble tea" and then I had to load up on milk and head to AA. My new commitment for the giant Tuesday night meeting is to buy milk. I call myself "the milk maid."

("What do you need milk for at those meetings?" Narc asked. "For a special cult ritual," I told him. He laughed awkwardly. I'm glad he can see how stupid his criticisms of AA are...)

The meeting that night was fine. Later that night, we had an anniversary "watch" for my friend Leseco. So, I was up at the diner until past midnight, watching her bring in the celebration. It was nice.

On Wednesday, I met Dan for lunch in the afternoon. We ate at Ariyoshi and upon leaving, discovered the New York Theosophical Society nestled in on a street in my neighborhood. That afternoon, I hung out with another AA friend-- Cherubino. I went up to her apartment and we talked for a while and watched part of The Illusionist. I really like her. From there, I took a really long walk all the way down the East Side until I reached the place where I was to meet NDN for dinner. That's right folks-- NDN is BACK from Asia! I was excited to see him.

NDN looked delightful with a fully bearded visage. He gave me a scruffy hug and kiss hello and we ate sushi and talked about his trip with RDN. Back at his apartment, he gave me some trinkets from the trip-- items that truly need to be seen to be believed. Perhaps I'll photograph them and show them at some point in the future.

Yesterday I spoke at a meeting in the afternoon. I'll write more about that in a future post. That evening, B and I went to the movies. We saw Rocky Balboa and I absolutely LOVED it. Everything about it was just awesome. We had a little drama before the movie-- a classic old-school Hyde & B fight, but it all dissipated due to the delightfully sheer emotionalism of the movie. Afterwards, we ate Chinese and then I bid good night to B and met Bezoukhoff at Border's and he walked me home.

At my place, Bezoukhoff and I entertained ourselves by listening to Elvis gospel, watching parts of the 1932 film, Freaks, and perusing my high school year book. Oh-- and I also cleaned my kitchen a little. I'm throwing a dinner party tonight! So far, who's coming? Hammer and the Alaskan, Narc, Jake and his girlfriend, my college friend- KBH and Meema. It should be fun. But that reminds me, I have to go grocery shopping and finish cleaning my house right now. I promised BigSis I'd meet her to look at bridesmaid dresses for LilSis' wedding this afternoon. With that cutting into my day, I won't have too much time to get ready for the dinner.

So... more later.

love,
h

The Countdown Begins!

2007-01-02T20:52:00.000-05:00

The Cowboy sent me this quiz on Myspace. The new season of 24 starts on January 14th. I can't wait!!!

In other news, Hammer and I had lunch today with Narc and the Alaskan. Strange... Oh, and I was asked to speak at an AA meeting at a detox center on Thursday. I'm nervous, but agreed to do it.

A longer post is in the works...

Lots of love,

H

What 24 Character are you?

You are Audrey Raines!

You are caring and compassionate. You put the needs of others before your own. You are smart and witty and can get out of the most complicated of situations. You know how to stand up for yourself and defend yourself if necessary

Goodbye Mystic...

2007-01-01T12:08:00.000-05:00

Mr. Mystic writes that he is leaving blogland forever. He will be missed!!! But while it makes me sad, I guess part of welcoming the New Year is accepting change.

Happy New Year, everyone.

I hope you still come and visit, Mystic...

love,
h

Plus ca change...

2006-12-30T23:46:00.000-05:00

I'm still working on that year in review post. I know, I know...

The bulk of the week was consumed with post-Christmas digestion and a shitload of grading. I graded myself into a state of oblivion until I finally got the grades posted by about 2:00 am Thursday night/Friday morning. When I was finished, I sent Narc a text lauding my achievement.

Out with screenwriter friend, he wrote back. Will call soon.

Hmm... I started to think devious thoughts. I miss drunk-Narc. But he's not supposed to be drinking, so I shouldn't be happy when I know he's out. See what a selfish and greedy girl I am!

I got into bed and dozed off with the phone in my hand. It rang at around 3:00 am.

"I'm in Union Square, Hyde. And I'm coming to you."

"Okay. I'll be waiting."

When he got here, he stood in the light of my Christmas tree and put his arms around me.

"I love this tree," he said. "It could only have been made by an angel."

"You really love it?" I beamed.

"I do."

When he went to the bathroom, Mr. Rochester was sitting up on the sink.

"I love you, Rochie, but you've got to go," he said, tossing Rochester to the floor.

My poor sweet Roch nearly did a backflip in the air. Narc was drunk. I moved to see if the cat was okay.

"Awww... Rochie's alright," he laughed. "He's just not used to having a man in the house."

I thought that was a strange thing for him to say.

When he got out of the bathroom, he took a seat on my kitchen stool, as he is prone to do, while I poured him a drink-- coke (minus the jack).

"You should really keep some booze on hand for your guests," he said. "I forgot you wouldn't have any."

"No, I really can't," I laughed. "I guess I've got a byob policy here."

We chatted a while about mostly nothing. He was wearing a pink shirt.

"That's the shirt you had on the night you went to that Vassar party ," I said.

"I live in the present. You live in the past," he winked.

"You live in the present? Really?"

"Yes. I don't remember every detail of the past the way you do. It's unimportant."

"If I don't remember the details, I won't believe that it really happened," I answered.

"Take off your clothes, Hyde."

"What?"

I shuffled awkwardly to pour myself some more soda.

"You heard me," he looked at me calmly and plainly. "Take off your clothes. Right now."

"Okay."

So, I did. But I was still partially concealed by the counter between us.

"Everything!" he demanded.

"I did everything!" I insisted.

"Okay."

And then we continued to talk, only I was nervous. I leaned over the counter so that I wouldn't be quite so exposed. But who am I kidding? I love that he makes me nervous.

"Come over here," he said.

I embraced him from behind. He unzipped his pants. And then... Well, again-- not that kind of blog, right?

The only thing I want to say-- later we were in my bed and he was inside of me and he stopped everything and tried to quiet me.

"Shh... Shh..." He kept saying, stroking my hair back from my forehead. He was hovering above me, staring straight down into my eyes.

"I love you," he whispered.

I didn't say anything. My heart was trembling, though. I didn't want to tell him that I love him. I'm not sure how I feel anymore and I know that it's not good for me to let myself get lost in that.

"I love you," he repeated.

I just stared up at him. I inhaled sharply and could feel my eyes welling up.

"Shh..." he said again, trying to comfort me. "I love you, Hyde. And I need you to understand that. Do you understand that?"

I nodded weakly.

"Do you UNDERSTAND that, Hyde?" he demanded.

"I do. I understand. And I love you too."

It was all over for me after that. And I"m not even sure whether or not I was lying.

Anyway, the next day we loafed around at my place and the day after that we loafed around at his place. More on all of that later...

This evening, I went to a 90 day celebration for a friend of mine and then to a sorely needed AA meeting-- the first meeting I've been to in over a week. Oh-- and Narc's mom called me. Yeah. Isn't that nuts?

I have a lot to catch you all up on, but I'm tired. So, that's enough for now.

If I don't post again, before the New Year, HAPPY NEW YEAR! And thanks for all being there for me in '06. It's been quite a ride, n'est pas?

Well, you know what they say... Plus ca change...

love,
h

PS: Hammer's man-- the NorthWesterner-- has officially had a name change. He will hereby be known as "the Alaskan."

In a Paper Dungeon

2006-12-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

I'm stuck in a dungeon of paper... grading, grading, grading! I'm about 2/3 of the way through. I spent the entire afternoon today at the Tea Spot and downed about four pots of tea, total.

Yesterday I texted Narc to ask him whether or not he wanted to go see "Perfume" today. He said "no," and that he was going to see it on Friday.

"So, wanna go together on Friday?" I asked.

"Will see," he wrote back.

Today, as I was leaving the Tea Spot and heading to therapy, I got a text from him--

Just got out of "Perfume." Ended up going today, after all, last minute. My review-- mediocre at best.

That hurt my feelings. So, I wrote back--

Why'd you go without me? :(

Not that I had any inkling that he'd do otherwise... But I'm supposed to be practicing expressing my feelings.

In other news, my cell phone is busted and I'm waiting for a replacement phone which I won't have until Friday, so I'm stuck being incommunicado. It makes me very anxious to be without text messaging.

I had coffee this morning with Hammer and the NorthWesterner. The NorthWesterner recommended that I watch HBO's Rome. Hammer told me that he likes to check my blog, so I mostly put this post up here for him. I'm still working on my "year in review," but can't do it until the paper dungeon has collapsed and my grades are turned in.

As for Christmas? It was great. The only sad part is that my stepsister is very obviously bulimic. My mom's sister is a neurotic. And all of the Italians got wasted on homemade wine. Oh-- the other funny part of Christmas Eve? JBC got there late (dinner was at my cousin's place) and he walked into the wrong house. He roamed through the home next door before he was redirected.

I texted Brick "Merry Christmas" and he wrote back that my text "made his day." I miss him a lot, and I'm still very sad about all that. Maybe I'll be sad forever, but I guess I just have to accept that as a part of life.

Meema and I have decided to be prayer partners once a week. I wrote out a personal prayer and it's long, but it felt really good. I read it yesterday and today to myself and it helped. I'm not sure why.

Okay... that's it for now. I really need to get off the computer, get some dinner and get back to work.

lots of love,

h

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T02:36:00.000-05:00

It's 2:38 am and officially Christmas Eve. I am still working on my "year in review" post, but I just wanted to write a quick "hello," as I will be too busy tomorrow and Monday to write and then will be scrambling to get my grading done by Wednesday.

I just got back in from an early evening at Cheers and then a stroll through midtown with the lovely Alecya G and her fellow travelers. It was really cool to get to meet her in person. Of course, more details will be forthcoming, but I just wanted to write something now to record the moment.

And of course, I wanted to wish you all happy holidays. This next year is going to be a good one... not perfect, but I expect things to finally move.

Somehow, everything seems strangely "ok"...

lots of love,

h

PS: I miss my neighbor!

Pre-Christmas, Take VIII

2006-12-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

Today B and I had our eighth annual "pre-Christmas," "day of Friendship" celebration. Our tradition started in 1999-- our first holiday together as a "couple." B planned a "day of Romance" for me, including dinner at the Russian Tea Room and a horse and carriage ride through Central Park. (I think we also saw "Snow Falling on Cedars" that year.) Anyway, we repeated it for the subsequent two years of our relationship, adding events like going to see the tree at Rockefeller Center, finding a Christmas concert or two, etc. And then, when we broke up, we still kept the tradition, dubbing it, instead, our "day of Friendship." We also always exchange ornaments on that day. My third post ever on the Annals describes our sixth "day of Friendship." And today was the eighth!

I woke up this morning at Narc's. Well... let me backtrack a bit. Yesterday morning I gave the last of my final exams. I spent the afternoon reading The Winter Queen, a birthday gift from Bezoukhoff. It was a quick and entertaining read. Narc and I were texting a bit throughout the afternoon. Then, in the evening, I got a message from Brick.

R we still friends? he wrote.

I honestly don't know how to be your friend, I answered.

Brick: That makes me sad... but i understand...

Hyde: I am sad too, and hurting very much.

Brick: I love u my dear... just wasn't into your home group...

Hyde: This wasn't about my home group. But you can tell yourself that if you want.

And so, I suppose, that's the end of that. My heart is really broken over this. But even broken hearts heal. And there's nothing I can do to help him right now. I just have to try to make it through the holidays and stay strong.

In the meanwhile, it sent me into a deep depression last night. I wanted to go to Cheers. I put on my makeup and was seriously going to go. But, I guess it's true what they say about "a belly full of booze and a head full of AA." I kept hearing that line from Chapter 7 of the Big Book-- "our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there."

IF WE HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR BEING THERE.

Why was I going to Cheers? Because I was sad. I wanted to get out. O-U-U-U-U-T!!! I wanted to break something. I wanted to break myself. I wanted to MAKE Brick undo what he did... or at least care that he did it. I wanted to see Narc, but couldn't orchestrate it or make him take my calls. Because I felt powerless to help Brick and abandoned and betrayed and uncared for. Because Narc controls everything and is engaged to someone else. Because I wanted to go to the bar. I just wanted to go. I had no legitimate reason.

I sent Narc a text.

As for me-- restless. Popping over to Cheers. Sure it won't be satisfying though...

A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there... A legitimate reason for being there...

Narc wrote back rather quickly:

Can come down here if you like. Bring book and cookies!!

(I had previously promised to bring Narc The Winter Queen and some cookies left over from my party.)

So, I passed on Cheers and, instead, went to Narc.

It was a fun night. He taught me how to play Zelda on his high def screen with his Nintendo Wii. It took me a little while to get used to the controls and the whole concept of the game (I am stuck in the original Super Mario Brothers era when it comes to video games) but I played for about two hours that flew by. Narc of course, was at my side helping me figure out what to do next. I think he liked teaching me. And I can definitely see how this stuff can become addictive.

That night in bed was strange. We both "went to sleep" without any ceremony or sexual contact, but neither of us was really asleep and there was a lot of tension. Then, it finally tipped and we started making out, but Narc didn't want to have actual intercourse. I kept thinking of what he said back in July of 2005--that he didn't think blow jobs "counted" as sex and that it's only intercourse that "makes me emotional." So, it bothered me that he wouldn't fuck me.

"I don't know if I'm up for it, in the shape that I'm in," he said.

It's true-- he had just recently been hospitalized and then had to go back to the ER after a difficult flight of stairs... I had no choice but to let it go. It was hard for me to sleep though. I kept worrying about it... about what it meant... About whether or not it meant that he didn't "count" me in yet another way because we hadn't had actual intercourse since before he went to the hospital... Wait... can that be true? I tried to go back over each and every incident in my head. Come to think of it, I've given him a hell of a lot of blow jobs, but we haven't had sex.

But, he tried to get you to come down there to fuck him two nights before your birthday when he called you drunk...

Yeah, but he was drunk, so he didn't know what he was saying...

Do you think he thinks he's been "faithful" to PopStarChick because he isn't having intercourse with you?!?

No! He can't rationalize doing "everything but" as being faithful...

I tried my best to quiet my mind, but I lay there for a long time in the dark being a moron and obsessing on this way more than I should have. And then, at last, sleep came.

In the morning, it was all put to rest because he fucked me and had a coughing fit afterwards and I felt bad. He was really out of breath.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah. I just need to rest for a few minutes," he said.

His face was red. Like I said-- I felt really bad. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed him.

(But there's my craziness again-- you DIDN'T push him, Hyde... You didn't pressure him or anything and it's not your fault he's sick.)

Ugh! Enough about all that. This was supposed to be a post about my pre-Christmas with B! I better get on with it...

Narc said that he would be spending the day alone "watching more Season 2 of 24." He said to call him later, and I understood that he may want me to come back that night.

So, I left Narc's place just before 11:00 and met B up at my apartment in time for lunch. We ate at a Chinese place on my block and then walked over to Hallmark so B could pick out an ornament for me (I got his a few weeks ago). B's nickname for me has always been "kuting" (or a variation on it) which means "kitten" in Tagalog and he got me a really cute ornament of a rascal kitten with her paws in a jar labeled "treats." I got him a carved wooden angel (that sort of looks like him) holding a rose-- a reference to something personal in our past...

We could have run around the city doing all of our Christmas-y things, but both of us just felt like relaxing. So we got some coffee from Dunkin Donuts and headed back to my place. We played piano and sang for a while and then B told me that his favorite tenor of the moment is Carreras. I asked him to "please explain." He played me Carreras singing Non piangere Liu. Go listen to it... It's got the darkness of Domingo but the ring of Pavarotti and the tears of Jon Vickers. Damn. 'Nuff said.

After that, we listened to huge chunks of the Karajan/Pavarotti/Freni Boheme. Then we watched Old Boy on DVD-- that kick ass Korean movie I saw in the theaters in Summer, '05. After that, I showered and changed while B read a magazine in my room and we listened to Les Mis and acted silly acting out the scenes and laughing at the parts we've always laughed at. It was such a nice day for me.

Before I had to head off to AA, we grabbed a quick dinner at the pizza place and then I went up to my meeting. During dinner Narc texted me and so I wrote back asking me if he wanted me to come back down there and he said no-- that he would be "writing." It hurt-- just a sting, but it still hurt. Whatever... I always set myself up for rejection with him...

I sat with Meema and Bartelby at the meeting and afterwards, the three of us went out for dinner once again to the California Pizza Kitchen. As I had already eaten with B, I didn't partake of any food. It was a nice dinner, though, and I felt close to both of them. I was able to have fun and put my sadness about Brick and my frustration with Narc out of my mind for the moment.

And now it is night time and I'm home.

Tomorrow, the Annals of Mr. Hyde will officially be two years old! I want to write a "year in review" post, but I don't know if I'll have the time to do it tomorrow. I may have to do in on Saturday and just cheat and back-date it a day... We'll see...

I hope you all have a good night!

Another year gone by... Wow.

love,

Listen up, Hyde!

2006-12-20T13:28:00.000-05:00

You CAN'T get him a present... Not ANY present... especially not one that costs over $100. Put it out of your mind and get through the next week with your bank account in tact. Fight it off. You shouldn't even write a card.

YOU CAN'T GET HIM A PRESENT.

Sparkle

2006-12-18T21:38:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the sparkle of my Christmas tree and feeling a little sad. I want someone else to be here to see it. So many people were at my house just two days ago, but it's still not enough. I feel like the tree is wasted on me when it's just me...

The other day, I made my bed-- something I rarely do. That night, I didn't want to sleep under the covers. I slept on top of them. I didn't want to mess up the bed.

Do I think that I don't deserve a made bed? Or that I'm not a worthy audience for my tree?

I don't know...

Hammer gave me an awesome birthday card-- it's a picture of Greta Garbo and John Gilbert from Flesh and the Devil (1926).

"This card suited you for some reason," she wrote.

I'm looking at the card right now.

This afternoon I went to my school to talk to a professor whose course I will be taking this Spring. It's a good thing. We talked a bit about the methodology of cultural history vs. the methodology of intellectual history. This morning I read a few chapters from a book about bridging the disciplines of history and musicology. I guess I'm starting to feel a bit more like "myself" again.

On Sunday my cell phone broke. It still works for calls, but I can't send or receive text messages and so I'm feeling a little more "powerless" and out of control than usual. It's crazy how addicted we can become to a little technology! I'm waiting for the insurance company to send me a relplacement phone in the mail.

As "text" is my primary method of communication with Narc, I haven't heard from him since Saturday when he called me right before my party.

"Are you coming tonight?" I asked.

"I don't think I'm up for it," he said. "I'm still not feeling great, and yesterday was the most stressful day ever!"

"Why? What happened?"

"I tried to go to the movies, but I got all constricted, like I was having some kind of panic attack," he explained. "But the doctors don't think that's a side effect from the medicine, and so no one knows what's going on."

"That's awful!"

"To make matters worse, my mom thinks I should declare bankrupcy to deal with the hospital bills, but that's going to ruin my credit. I was on the phone fighting with her all day and then on the phone with PopStarChick fighting with her all day."

So, there's trouble in paradise?

"I'm sorry you're under so much stress, Narc," I said. "Of course, don't worry about my party. As long as you come up here and see my tree at some point."

"Definitely. I just don't think I can handle putting on a smile and acting cheerful and being all--'How do you know Hyde?' "How do you know Hyde?' You know what I mean?"

"Sure. I just hope you feel better. And come up here before New Year's, okay?"

"Okay, I promise."

(I doubt that he will, but that's alright...)

Anyway, the party was a complete success. I've never seen so much food in my apartment before. I have enough left over to get me to the new year! It was an interesting crowd-- My graduate school friends, such as Hammer and Bezoukhoff (Hammer came with her fiancee which I was very happy about. He is very sweet and a beautiful singer. I'll leave it to Hammer to name him for the blogs), then there were my college friends-- Contessa and her boyfriend, GoldenFinch, her husband and BabyBird, Anxious (but no BulgarianGuy), B and Drippy, etc. One woman came from the music management company where I worked my first job; a guy came with whom I used to do musical theater (he's now a professional opera singer). Then there was the AA crowd-- Meema and her husband, Leseco, Bartelby, Pilman, Slope, Cherubino and WoodsMan. Some of those people I've mentioned before. Some, I haven't. But I'm sure they'll all make future appearances here. And then, there was my family-- BigSis and Bro-in-Law, LilSis and JBC and my mom. And of course, BigSis' friend, English. Oh-- and my friend, NV. I'm sure I left a slew of people out, but I just can't think of everyone right now.

We sang a lot and Bezoukhoff and my mom read some poems. At one point, IrishBird stopped by the building lobby to drop off flowers for me. It was sweet. And I think everyone had a great time. The party started at 6:00 and lasted until after midnight-- a much more humane time for it to end, as I had an opportunity to clean up and hit the sheets before 2:00. And I talked to Liu on the phone for about an hour before bed.

There's a lot more I could say about the party, but I hate overthinking events like that-- the spirit of it is impossible to capture here. Suffice it to say, the room was full of warmth and love and all of the interesting, quirky personalities with which I've populated my life. With the exception of Brick's absence (from which I'm still smarting), I couldn't have asked for anything more.

My texts were still working the next morning when Brick and I arranged to exchange back the things we had loaned out to each other other. I still can't believe how all of this turned out with him, although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. The very first day I met him, he said that he was "selfish." It's my fault for not listening. But that doesn't help it to hurt any less.

Anyway, this morning I gave the first of three final exams. I'll be relieved when the semester is over.

I'm feeling sad, though-- a sadness that seems unrelated to everything happening around me. I want to sleep next to Narc tonight, but he's grumpy and so I doubt he'll call.

It's strange to be in my building without NDN here. There's something comforting in that he lives here, no matter how many times I get on him for his "antics." The building feels "colder" without him.

I guess that's it for now. I still really want to finish my story about Narc's neighbor, the Sorceress, and that crazy week that he spent in the hospital, but that will have to wait for another time.

until then...

h

PS: Here's a picture of the top of my tree and the Chrysler Building out the window... yay.

What are the odds?

2006-12-17T17:51:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with a classmate who didn't make it to my party last night. I haven't seen him in quite some time.

"How are you, Hyde?" he asked.

"I'm pretty good. How are you?"

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"You must be pretty hung over right about now!" he chuckled.

"I'm not drinking anymore!"

I explained to him that I'm now sober.

"So, I guess that increases my odds!" he laughed.

"Your odds? What are you talking about?"

"Don't you remember?" he asked. "We all placed bets-- You were either going to have published some brilliant book or be dead by 35. We took bets on which way it would tip."

"Well, I'm glad you bet on the book..."

Yes, I'm glad that I'm no longer giving my classmates reason to pity my life as one of wasted potential culminating in death before 40.

Hmm...

I need to stop crying about Brick. Yes, he hurt me. Yes, it hurts like hell. (And probably will for a while). But, my life is my own. And, I have some books to write...

-h-

I don't get it...

2006-12-17T16:17:00.000-05:00

The party was a complete success last night. Everyone had a wonderful time, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

The only thorn? Brick didn't show up. He texted me earlier in the afternoon to say that he was uncomfortable coming. I told him that I would be really hurt if he didn't show... I needed him to be there for me. I wasn't going to give him permission to disregard my feelings. If that was what he planned to do, it was all on him. He told me that he'd call me later. He never did. He didn't come.

I tried to forget all about it during the party, but it was hard. I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up in tears this morning. I spoke to him for about one minute this afternoon. He asked for his iPod back from me.

"Is that all you're going to say?" I asked.

"I don't think I did anything wrong," he answered.

I am in so much pain over this that I feel sick. I don't know which emotion is more overwhelming-- disgust, pity or betrayal. They're all there in equal measures.

Why am I such a poor judge of character?

I am sad. I feel heartbroken.

-h-

The Echo Carol

2006-12-16T11:08:00.000-05:00

I am persistently getting up to no good... I just can't leave well enough alone, can I?

What am I talking about this time? Well, I finally heard back from OldChoirMan. (If you recall, I wrote to him back in October.) Here's what he said:

Dear Hyde--

Thanks for your recent message. Unfortunately, we've had horrendous problems with our home system, and my reply was still in the damned thing, dated 1970. I was alerted to it by ---- who hadn't been getting my replies for the same reason, but anyway, here I am. Let's stick to this address for now.

Needless to say, I would love to talk to you, especially about your voice. Thanks for bringing me up to date on your life - sounds as if all is going really well. It's hard to believe that it's already ten years since your advent at CU. Actually, we're singing several things in concert this weekend that I think you know - Mozart, "Regina Coeli," some movements from the Bach "Magnificat," one "Elijah" chorus, and so on. I'm bringing a small group of 50 from --- over to the ----- church to sing with my men and some orchestra players. It was nice to have the ---- at one of these not too long ago. ----- still sings with me, and we did a recital recently.

Please give me a call and give me a phone number or two. I'm sure that this weekend is impossible for you, but let's figure out a time to get together. If you do want to sing, we're rehearsing on Saturday, 1-3pm.

Again, great to hear from you, sorry about the delay in getting back, and looking forward to being in touch.

OCM.

(Phone numbers left here) hitting # will get you past my lengthy message.

P.S. Mozart died 215 years ago Tuesday - we're doing the Requiem in April.

I didn't write back for over a week because I have some really confused feelings about all of this (even if I DID initiate the contact...). I never told this story here in full, and I still don't think I can. Suffice it to say, I was really emotionally fucked up by all of this from age 18 to 21. Anyway, I finally wrote back this morning. Here's what I said--

Hi OldChoirMan,

I'm glad to hear back from you! I'd love to come out and sing sometime... (Especially if you're doing the Requiem in April! You'll have to let me know the dates...)

I'm sorry that I couldn't make it last weekend. Obviously, December is a crazy month and I have my hands full between holiday parties, grading final exams, writing papers and attending concerts, but things quiet down considerably in January. Perhaps we can figure something out for then...

I will give you a call. Or, if you want to get in touch with me, here are my numbers:

Home: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Cell: xxx-xxx-xxxx

In any event, enjoy the holidays with your family. I'll think of you (as always) while caroling this year... (StriKKKE the harp!)

Best wishes,
Hyde

I'm feeling delerious. Maybe it's all the chlorox I inhaled while cleaning the bathroom this morning. Anyway... I better get back to putting my house in order before tonight...

-h-

Scrooge

2006-12-15T17:09:00.000-05:00

The tree is up, despite having fallen on me twice. I am so fucking stubborn. I lifted and screwed in an enormous tree single-handedly. It's a gorgeous tree and I did a beautiful job decorating it. I also FINALLY got my new dining table delivered. It's so pretty. It changed the whole look of the apartment.

So...why can't I wipe this scowl off my face?

Tonight NDN leaves for Asia. He's going with RDN. He'll be back after the New Year . Wow... has it really been a year since our Argentina trip? I guess it seems like that was a long time ago...

Last year on December 15th KHill peed on my hand. Remember? Shortly thereafter, Narc discovered my blog and I had to change the address. Remember?

I just did the grocery shopping for my party tomorrow. Last year I did that with Narc. Remember?

Ugh!

I'm really depressed. I don't know why, but I'm so depressed, I want to vomit. I felt like I could barely tolerate the general public and I wanted to hit some people. I hate people. I feel sick. Sick, sick, sick...

Brick told me that he had a glass of wine at his office Christmas dinner. Good for him...

I'm so mad at him, I can't breathe, but I can't tell him that. There's no point. I feel betrayed by him.

Hate, hate, hate... I hate everyone right now. I don't want to have my party tomorrow.

I'm a scrooge.

-h-

Suicidal Boys and Birthdays

2006-12-13T12:22:00.000-05:00

First of all-- Today is St. Lucy's day and I love her.

Second of all-- I need to stop loving suicidal men. Do you guys remember what happened the night before my birthday last year? In case you forgot, here's an excerpt from my December 11, 2005 evening with Narc:

Later we went back to his place and he told me that he is suicidal. He told me he is going to throw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge and that he already brought himself to the brink once. I started to cry. He told me to quit my hysterics...

..."It's going to happen," he said. "It's only a matter of when. You'll never know when it's coming..."

I became hysterical. I buried my head in the couch. My makeup ran everywhere. I couldn't breathe. He just looked at me with disdain...

This year, as I was leaving my office the afternoon of December 11th, I got a call from the Sorceress (Narc's neighbor, for those of you who may not be all caught up.)

"Have you spoken to Narc lately?" she asked me in near hysterics.

"Yeah, I spoke to him last night... Why?"

"Because I just got a call from his mother. She's looking for him. She's been calling him all morning and he's not answering. I tried pounding on his door and he's not answering. What if he's there collapsed in his apartment? How was he last night?"

"I'm sure he's fine," I tried to reassure her. "He's probably just asleep."

"He'd sleep through all of that knocking?!?"

"Yes, I'm sure of it. He sleeps like a rock. He was wasted last night, so I'm sure he just passed out cold."

"Wasted? What does that mean?"

"That he was really drunk..."

"What?!?!? WHAT?!?!?" She was shouting at me through the phone. "He's been drinking?!?!? And you allow this? Have you been drinking with him? Did you talk to him about this? He's not supposed to be drinking in his condition!"

"Yeah, I know," I sighed. "But there's not much I can do about it. I mean, he knows I'm worried about him. But I don't drink with him. And I can't talk to him about it. He's just going to be mean to me."

"You need to get down there and get into that apartment today!" she told me. "He could be dead. And we don't need that blood on our hands."

"I don't have a key," I protested. "And besides, I'm sure he's alright. He'll be up by 2:00 or 3:00."

Anyway, the conversation went on for a while longer. I finally got in touch with Narc by mid-afternoon.

"Narc, you have to call your neighbor off," I told him. "I can't be in the middle. I don't want to be butting into your personal life like that."

He agreed. Then I ventured further.

"And you should probably be careful with the drinking... You don't want to really mess yourself up. I mean-- I don't want to interfere, but I'm worried about you, you know?"

"It's out of my hands, Hyde," he laughed. "There's not much I can do about it either."

His voice was low and hoarse.

"What do you mean?"

"If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die," he answered flatly.

"Narc!" I couldn't believe my ears. "Some things are out of your control, sure... But some things you can change..."

"I'm not going to live my life without a martini," he said. "I'd much rather die than live the kind of life where I can't have a martini with my friends."

"I don't know what to say to that," I answered. "But I'm worried about you."

Suicidal-Narc. I was sad.

Later in the day, I spoke to Brick. He told me that he wasn't going to a meeting.

"Did you go to one yesterday?" I asked.

"No," he laughed.

"What about on Saturday?"

"Nope."

"What are you doing, Brick? Seriously..."

"I don't know," he began. "I just don't know if this is for me anymore."

I was really upset.

"I can't talk to you about this right now," I cut in. "I'll give you a call later, okay?"

"Do you want to hang out later?" he asked me.

"I can't. I'm going to Narc's."

That evening, I set off for Narc's apartment. I got there early-- around 8:00 pm.

(I know what you all must be thinking given the previous night's conversation, but there it is...)

"What are you up to?" I asked Narc as he greeted me at the door.

"Not much... Just taking a little nap."

He wandered back into the bedroom. I followed him, collapsing onto the bed and propping myself up on my elbows.

"So... what do you want to do?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he said, pulling me onto his chest.

We just lay there, not saying anything until his erection was big enough that it prompted my attention and I gave him a blow job. I hate how Narc still tries to be so "covert" about these things and pretend that he wanted to go into the bedroom because he was napping. Not me...

"So... Now what do you want to do?" I asked when I had finished.

He laughed.

We moved into the living room to eat cheap Mexican food and play some board game-- Scene It. Narc was very competitive, so I was glad for him that he won both rounds.

Then, Brick called me. Our conversation basically picked up where it had left off earlier.

"I'm not so sure that AA is for me anymore," he said.

I was getting increasingly agitated.

"Hold on," I told him. "Let me go into the other room."

I moved into Narc's bedroom.

"What is wrong with you?" I cried. "What are you talking about?"

"I drank again on Saturday," he told me. "And I was okay. And I think I'll be okay with just drinking on the weekends."

"Brick?!?!? Have you lost your mind???"

"No! I want to be able to go out and have a social life that I want. And I want to be able to date... I'm young and I'm gay and I want--"

"Don't you think we all want that? But don't you want to live? I feel like you're being suicidal right now!"

Then I started to cry. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe. I was sobbing and heaving on the floor in Narc's bedroom. I'm sure that he heard me in the next room, but he didn't say anything and he didn't come in."

"I love you, Hydey," Brick said. "But I have to figure this out for me."

"I can't be friends with you!" I told him through choked tears. "You are breaking my heart."

At long last, we hung up the phone. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling. I called my sponsor, which helped. Then I called Brick back to tell him that I was sorry for yelling at him and that I love him.

"I'm not mad at you," I said. "I'm just worried and I feel so entirely powerless and it scares me. I don't want to sound 'condescending,' but I'm going to pray for you."

"I love you too," he said.

At that point, I must have been in Narc's bedroom for at least an hour. When I emerged, my eyes were ringed with mascara and my face was red and swollen. He didn't say much about it. I sat down on the couch and he put his feet up on my lap.

"Brick?" he asked.

"I'm afraid he's going to die," I said. "I'm afraid he's going to die just like my dad and he doesn't care."

Narc patted my hand awkwardly.

"Aww. I'm sure he'll be okay," he said, stiffly.

"I just wish I didn't fall so hard in love with the people I love. It hurts so much."

The tears started to roll faster. Narc looked at me as if he were confused.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," he said again. "Pride and Prejudice! Mr. Darcy!" he laughed, gesturing towards the TV.

"Yeah," I sighed.

We both turned to the television, silent for a few minutes. And then--

"I feel anxious," he told me, suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I just have this horrible feeling in my chest."

"What is it? Is there something I can do?"

"Just stay here with me," he said. "I don't know what I'd do if I were alone."

I rubbed his legs for him and then he sat up and I gave him a back rub.

"Are you feeling any better?'

"A little. But I should go to bed soon."

"Okay."

I felt weary.

And so, for the third year in a row, I spent the night before my birthday at Narc's house, in tears.

My birthday itself wasn't so bad. In fact, it was kind of nice. I woke up at Narc's, but took off by 11:00 because B and I had plans to meet for lunch. After lunch, B helped me pick out my Christmas tree (which is really quite giant and beautiful!). Then we went back to my apartment and attempted to sing the Love Duet from Madame Butterfly while waiting for the tree to get delivered. I didn't have time to decorate it before leaving to teach, but that's okay.

B waited in my office (and took a nap) while I taught my second to last class of the semester. Then I came up to meet him and we both headed over to my home group AA meeting.

AA was great last night. Hammer came to the meeting too, as the Tuesday night meeting is an "open" meeting. Meema brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses. I felt really good and positive and surrounded by love. And to top it all off, the main speaker was a famous singer who I have greatly admired for at least ten years. What a birthday surprise! B really loved the meeting and told me that he wanted to come back to another. Afterwards, Hammer and I headed out for dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen.

Originally, when Brick was still planning on being at the meeting, he was supposed to come for dinner too. I left him some messages earlier telling him that I still wanted him to come. But when I called him after the meeting, telling him where to meet, he didn't answer. He basically blew me off completely.

Hammer and I had a fabulous dinner, nonetheless. She regaled me with more stories of her friend, Curly-Q-- an apparent expert at the art of self-victimization. And she gave me a soap with a snowglobe of the Eiffel Tower on the inside of it. (It's kind of hard to explain). After dinner, I walked back to my place and finally got on the phone with Brick.

"What happened to you tonight?" I asked him.

"I felt uncomfortable coming out," he said.

"But it wasn't any AA people," I protested. "It was just me and Hammer!"

"I know, but I still felt uncomfortable."

"Why does your discomfort come before my feelings?" I asked. "I needed you to be there for me on my birthday. It's selfish."

We talked it out for a while more, and I was still really upset and confused, but I realize that there's nothing I can do and it won't help me to stay stuck on this.

"Are you coming to my party on Saturday?" I asked him.

"I'm going to be uncomfortable with the AA people there," he said.

"I need you to be there for me."

He eventually agreed, but told me that he couldn't stay for the entire thing.

Anyway, as my birthday drew to a close, I got some texts from Narc and he turned positively sweet. Here's what he said:

So, how's the tree? Decorated yet?

Hyde: Tree is gorgeous! And huge! (And expensive...) And not yet decorated. How are you?

Narc: Ah yes, the great and epic tree cometh yet again...! As for me, in watching first season of "Deadwood."

Hyde: How is it?

Narc: Great thus far. Only a few episodes in.

Hyde: Only 30 minutes left of celebrating ME!

Narc: Have the rest of your life to celebrate you!! (wink). Never told me what you wanted for your birthday...

Hyde: I don't like to ask for things. I want you to pick something. It'll mean more that way, anyway. It's sweet for you to get me anything at all...

Narc: Will find something great, surely. Bed for this one soon. Sweet dreams. And Happy Birthday again...

Hyde: Thanks. :) Sweet dreams to you too. Will give a call tomorrow...

So, that's a wrap. I'm 28 now.

Happy St. Lucy's Day!

love,
h

Small Talk

2006-12-11T07:58:00.000-05:00

1:30 am: The phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Hyde."

"Hey... What's up?"

"I have to tell you two things..."

"What's that?"

"I need two things. I desperately need two things."

"What do you need?"

"I need corn. And I need you-- I am completely in love with you!"

"Wait... What did you say?"

"Are you a moron, Hyde? What don't you understand?"

"Just say it again, okay?"

"I said, I- NEED- CORN. That's the first part. Did you get that? Did you get that part, Hyde?"

"Well, I heard it, but I can't say that I 'got' it."

"Ugh, God! You are a moron. Are you a moron, Hyde?"

"I'm starting to think so."

"I'm a genius."

"Yes, I know."

"I wrote my script, and I'm a genius. And you're an academic and you're a moron."

"Ok. Why do you need corn?"

"You're a moron Hyde! Are you a moron?"

"Yes, Narc. I'm a moron. Why do you need corn?"

"Corn is in everything. It makes things sweet."

"What? So you need corn syrup? You need sugar? Ok. I get it."

"Ahhhh! So NOW she gets it! Oh! Now, after I explain it! Ha! Ha! Why are you such a moron??"

"I don't know, okay? So... corn... ok. But what was the second part?"

"What second part?"

"The second part of what you said..."

"I want to fuck you."

"That's not what you said."

"What did I say? I love you?"

"Yeah-- don't say that."

"Why not? I'm in love with you."

"Ugh."

"I want to do --------- to you."

"Ok, but that's not--"

"Come down here."

The conversation at this point, becomes blog-inappropriate, so I'm skipping a big chunk.

"Narc, just stop this. I can't do this. You love PopStar. You're getting married."

"Just come here, Hyde. I can give you money... for the taxi. I can give you love."

"I don't think so. You're engaged."

"You know that's a joke."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you-- Ugh! Hyde! You are such a wanker, you know that?"

"Oh, really? I'm the wanker? You're drunk Narc. Where did you go tonight?"

"I didn't go anywhere. I haven't left the fucking house since Friday in the fucking cold! Since I went to get my blood tested in the fucking cold."

"But you're drunk. You called me a wanker. You only say that when you're drunk."

"Maybe I've had a few."

"At home?"

"Champagne. But, I don't owe you an explanation."

"I didn't say you did."

"You're a wanker."

"No, Narc. I think you're the wanker."

"Well, I suppose I am. I'll give you that. But just get down here, already. I want you to come here. I want to do ---------- to you."

"Narc, you're engaged. You're in love with someone else."

"Ok. I love her. But, I also love you... among others."

"Among others? What the fuck does that mean? What others?"

"Just come here. I love you."

"Don't say that. I can't come, okay? I have to teach."

"Ugh! Hyde! You can just come here and we can fuck, and then you can go if you want."

"Ha ha ha ha! What am I? A prostitute? Are you going to pay me for that?"

"Of course not. I didn't mean that. I just want someone--"

"'Someone?' Anyone?"

"Don't be like that, Hyde. Don't make me out to be so terrible. I want you. You know that."

"No. I really don't."

"But I love you and I want you."

"You don't. You told the Sorceress that I was your 'fuck buddy.'"

"What? The Sorceress? She told you that?"

"She did."

"Don't take anything she says! Don't take what she says for anything! She doesn't know anything. She fucks with people's minds for a living!"

"I don't know about that..."

"What did you tell her about me, Hyde? What did you two talk about that you like her so much?"

"I didn't tell her anything about you, Narc. I just told her about me."

"What? So you two bonded or something?"

"You could say that."

"The fucking Sorceress interfering in my life again! You can't listen to that."

"So, that's not what you told her? That's not what you say about me?"

"You're not just my fuck buddy, Hyde."

"Then, what am I?"

"Just come here. Don't you love me anymore?"

"Not like I used to."

"What does that mean?"

"I used to be head over heels for you Narc. You know that."

"So, you're not anymore?"

"No. Not anymore."

"Since when? Since I've been dying?"

"Since you went to Russia."

"I think it's since I've been dying."

"I think it's since you went off to get married."

"I told you that's a joke!"

"It's not a joke that you're here writing about how in love you are in your little essay."

"What? How do you know what my essay is about?"

"It's about your trip to Russia. You told me that!"

"I did?"

"Yes."

"So, you don't love me anymore?"

"I do, Narc. Just not like I did. And I'm trying not to."

"You're a wanker, Hyde."

"How would you feel?"

"What?"

"How would you feel if you were head over heels and the girl went off and got engaged to someone else? It sucks. It hurts. It can't stay the same for me."

"It's a joke."

"Not to me. My birthday is the day after tomorrow, Narc."

"I KNOW that! I KNOW when your birthday is! Christ! Your birthday is in two days! I fucking KNOW that!"

"Okay."

"But, if you don't come down here, then..."

"Then... what?"

"I won't come to your house. I won't come to your house . I won't give you a present... no call... no card."

"Are you threatening me, Narc?"

"Yes."

"Don't make me laugh. I have to teach in the morning. I'm sorry! It's not going to work, okay?"

"Oh! So, I'm just terrible! Is that what you're telling me?"

"I didn't say that."

"What are you wearing?"

"A tank top and my underwear."

(Again, the conversation takes a turn that I have to omit.)

"Get down here now, Hyde."

"I told you-- I can't."

"Where are you?"

"I'm in bed, Narc."

"Where are you?"

"I said-- I'm in bed."

"No! You're such a moron, Hyde! Where are you?"

"I don't know what you want to hear from me right now."

"You're not here."

"Yes. Because I'm not coming."

"You don't love me, Hyde. You're not there for me. I don't want to be alone right now and you're not there for me at all. You're a liar."

"What?!? How can you say I'm not there for you? Obviously I am! I sat with you in the hospital every single day. I've been there for you non-stop!"

"You don't love me."

"Narc... I do. Just not like I did. Things just can't be what they were."

"You're not there for me."

"You have to be joking. All I've been is 'there for you.'"

"Whatever... Just go to sleep, if that's what you want, Hyde. If that's how you want it to be, go to sleep!!!"

"Ok. I will."

"I love you, Hyde, but you're going to sleep."

"Don't say that you love me."

"Why not?"

"It gets to me. You make me weak like that."

"I know."

"I have to go to bed now, Narc."

"Fine! Don't come here for me. Just go back to sleep if that's what you're going to do!"

"Ok."

"Don't come here!"

"I won't."

"Good bye."

He hung up the phone. Half an hour later, I got a text from him: Watching "Disclosure"... Call me when you can!!

An hour after that, I got another text: Watching "Birth," too funny. Call when up.

I wrote back this morning at 7:00 am: "Birth" is too creepy. Hope you finally got some sleep, my dear. And remember what I said...

PS: This may be my last post at 27!!!

insanity, right?

love,

On the Run...

2006-12-10T09:37:00.000-05:00

I haven't had a chance to sit down and write this weekend... But, here's a brief update:

Thursday: I went down to stay with Narc, as he was anxious about being alone, following his recent return to the Emergency Room. He asked me to pick him up some books at Borders about blood type and diet, or something. I did. It was a fine night. No sex, though. And no feelings of being in love. Can this be for real? I hope so...

Friday: I left Narc's to head to a voice lesson and then I dashed straight over to school to meet Hammer after her exams. She passed!!! Hooray! I knew she would... Hammer's friend (yet to be named) and I took her out to lunch and then Hammer and I went for a manicure and pedicure. Later that night, Brick and I headed up to an AA event, but I was cranky. Perhaps more on the mini-drama that ensued later...

Saturday: I went to a meeting in the morning and then came home and played the piano for B, accompanying him on cello. Unfortunately, I missed Shorty, who was in town for the afternoon! After that, I bummed around for most of the early evening and spent three hours on the phone with Brick. I have been feeling a little run down. Luckily, I got it together in time to have a fabulous evening out with NDN, RDN and co. NDN organized a little event-- Korean BBQ followed by karaoke in Little Korea.

And today? I'm off to Long Island to build gingerbread houses with BigSis' niece and nephew-- D&D. I'm looking forward to it.

Lots of changes, though, as always... especially here in my heart. And I'm dying for a good chunk of time to write it out.

But for now, I have to go... hope you've all been having a good weekend!

h

Sleepless Nights

2006-12-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

I know I still have to get to writing the part two of my "Sorceress" post, but there is so much going on right now and I have very little time.

First of all, I want to wish Hammer good luck!!! She has her oral exams tomorrow, so everyone should send some positive energy her way!

This week has been chaotic. I don't know what else to say. On Monday night I slept at Narc's. I'm starting to think I'm not in love with him anymore. Anyway, here's a text conversation between me and Narc from Tuesday night:

Narc: The Tivo has a new "Boston Legal." Woohoo!!

Hyde: Yay! I'll be watching that tomorrow afternoon. Btw-- that lessons and carols is 12/17 at 5:00... Let me know if you wanna go...
PS: Your text to me came in at 11:14. There's that number again!

Narc: Spader wins again...

Hyde: Hey! Don't tell me!

Narc: Spader always wins, come on!!

Hyde: Ok, ok... :)

Narc: "Armageddon:" I am so totally appreciateing its genius.

Hyde: You'll have to enlighten me. I do recall shedding a few tears last time I watched with you, though. Then again-- likely more to do with my "father issues" than its genius...

Narc: Spader never loses. And you cry too much anyway!!

Hyde: I don't cry enough, says my therapist. How about that?!? Anyway, going to sleep now. Sweet dreams...

Narc: You cry too much. Your therapist should know this. Sweet dreams...

Hyde: Maybe I just cry when I'm with you. Good night.

Narc: There goes the Eiffel...

I didn't get too much sleep that night because Brick was over and the alarm went off at 5:00 am. I could have stayed in bed and slept, but he came crying for me to help him with formatting his resume in the morning. Brick knows I'll do anything for him, so I dragged myself out of bed to do it.

Then, last night, I changed the sheets and sprayed my bed with lavendar and got snuggly under the covers at midnight. But mid-South Park episode, my phone rang. It was Narc. He was back in the ER. So, I jumped out of bed, threw on my ISM sweatshirt and ran over to the hospital. I only got to see him for ten minutes, and then spent an hour and a half in the waiting room. Apparently, he walked up a big flight of stairs and it left him winded and ragged. Of course, being Narc, he thought the best remedy was a drink, so he headed to the Upper East Side for martinis with a friend. It was then that he realized he had to go to the ER.

At around 2:00 am, I left the hospital with instructions for him to call me. He did so when he checked out at 6:00 am. I told him I'd come back there at some point today...

God, I'm tired.

And like I said-- I'm not so sure I'm even in love.

-h-

Oh- and PS: Last night, while Narc was laying on the hospital gurney, he asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

"For you to take care of yourself," I said.

"I thought I was doing that."

"I don't know, Narc... I don't know what I want."

(Why was that question so hard for me to answer?)

"I'll get back to you on that one."

The Sorceress (Part I)

2006-12-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

The night I met Narc was a little crazy. The night he almost died-- Saturday, November 25th, was a little crazy too. I started to tell the story in my post, Thanksgiving Surprise. I left off when B left my apartment, and Narc finally called me back.

"How are you feeling?!? I was so worried about you," I exclaimed.

"Still not feeling too great. Coughing a lot... and can't breathe."

He was hacking and wheezing all the while on the phone.

"Oh, Narc! That's terrible! I wish there were something I could do."

"Well, I really can't walk much," he began, "so it would be great if you could bring some things here. I mean... I can't really get out to the store."

"Of course! What do you need?"

He gave me a list that included NyQuil and DayQuil and Vicks Vapo-rub and Fiji water and lemons and gatorade. I set off to Duane Reade to fill the request.

Also, may want to bring toilet paper, unless you want to rough it... (grin), he wrote to me while I was on my way down.

I had a lot of mixed feelings about going to his place and playing the role of "caretaker." On the one hand, I wanted to be there for him because he was sick. But on the other, it was building resentment and anger in me, as I know that he would never do the same for me. And I can't help but wish that he would.

While I was in the cab heading down there, he called me again.

"Don't bother coming," he said, glumly. "My friend-- you know, the one that's my neighbor-- the Sorceress-- She thinks that I need to go to the ER after all, so I'm gonna head out."

"Wait...what?!? Why does she think you have to go? Are you okay???"

"She called her sister, who's a doctor. And her sister thinks that it might be a pulmonary embolism. I don't know... But she knows people at NYU, and she said that she'll ride over with me, so..."

"Narc-- just wait for me to get there, okay? I'll go with you to the hospital. I'm almost to your house."

When I got to his place, he looked fine, but he was still coughing and wheezing.

"Where's your neighbor?" I asked.

"I don't know," he frowned. "She left to do a few things. She said she was gonna get a car and then call up for me to come down."

"Can you even make it down there?" I wondered. "You look like you're winded just talking to me!"

"I think I can do it, if we go slowly," he said.

A few minutes later, the Sorceress called up. I took Narc's arm and slowly led him down to the lobby and out to the cab. The Sorceress was sitting in the front seat with the cab driver. I helped Narc get in.

Hello, I'm Hyde, I wanted to say. But the Sorceress didn't give me a chance. She completely ignored me. She didn't even ask who I was, or why Narc was suddenly accompanied by a friend. Instead, she cut off all opportunity for introductions by shouting at the cab driver.

"Let's move!" she screamed. "This man is SICK and he needs to get to the hospital! I want you to take 'the Drive.'"

I don't know if I can possibly describe this woman and do her any justice. But, I guess I have to try. She was a large but solid, toned and big-boned woman-- probably about 5'8" and (I would guess?) a size 14. She was wearing jogging pants and a skin tight lycra top that looked like it might have been intended as a sports bra. Underneath her shirt, you could see that she had on a bra that was much too small and it cut into her huge breasts, pushing half of them up, causing them to flood out of the bra. Her hair was a short, bright orange, spiked in all directions. Her skin was as pale as any I've seen, creamy and smooth. Her lips were pink and swollen, like Angelina Jolie's. And she had piercing, watery green eyes. She had a beautiful face, but a hard edge. As for her demeanor? She was clearly manic. She kept barking out orders, moving her head around while she spoke, landing her hands on her hips or wildly swinging her arms. And she didn't let anyone get a word in edgewise. All in all, it was really quite striking. I, rather submissively, kept quiet, silently stroking Narc's hand in the back seat.

"I want you to merge into the other lane, Sir!" she snapped. "Sir! Sir? Did you hear what I said to you? I want you to merge over here!"

"Yes, yes, I'm going," the taxi driver mumbled.

"Is there a PROBLEM, Sir?" she asked, her voice riddled with condescension. She slowed down and spoke loudly, as if he couldn't understand English. "WE - HAVE - A - SICK - MAN - in this car! And I need you to do what I say!"

With that she turned from the driver with a huff and leaned her head out of the open passenger side window. There she stayed, her head hanging out the window like a dog's, silently gazing at the river and the reflected city lights.

"The city is really quite beautiful, isn't it?" I whispered to Narc.

He smiled at me awkwardly.

Narc kept coughing. And I? I felt like I wanted to cry. In silent sympathy for the cab driver, I wanted to apologize to him for the Sorceress' behavior, but I couldn't. I didn't want to meet her wrath. In an instant, she had completely dominated everyone in the car-- including Narc.

Finally we pulled off the drive and neared the hospital.

"I want you to all shut up and let me speak!" she roared.

No one said a word.

"When we get there, I want you to KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT! I'll handle it."

Then she turned to the cab driver.

"Sir? Sir! I want you to pull in over here."

"I can't, Miss. The sign says no turn."

"I don't care what it says! You're going to be my personal ambulance. Turn! Right here! Right HERE! TURN!"

The driver turned to her in amazement. "Are you drunk?!?!" he asked, a scowl on his face.

She let out a peal of laughter.

"I ASSURE you, Sir! I am ONE- HUNDRED- PERCENT sober! I am POSITIVELY sober! Just do what I say and pull in. I need you to be my ambulance. Don't worry about it. Just shut up and let me do the talking! GO!"

The driver followed her instructions, and with that, she leapt out of the car at the Emergency Room ambulatory entrance.

"Was she talking to me, just now?" the cab driver asked, in anger. "Telling me to 'shut up?' Because I won't be spoken to like that!"

"No, no!" I tried to reassure him, all the while still rubbing Narc's arm. "She was talking to us. She just wants to be the one to explain to the doctors what's going on. She's just under a lot of stress," I said. "We're all just a little scared about the situation right now."

My chest felt tight. I still wanted to cry. The Sorceress came around to Narc's side of the car with an EMT and a wheelchair. That left me to pay the driver's $20 fee.

"I'm sorry!" I told him again, as I climbed out. "I really am. Have a nice night!"

Then. I joined Narc and the Sorceress just in time to hear him protesting his forced confinement to the wheelchair.

"I'm really okay to walk the few feet," he said.

"Just LISTEN TO ME!" she exclaimed. "I'm going to get you in right away. No lines. Nothing. You have to advocate for yourself here. I know. I KNOW. I fucking KNOW how it works! Just let me handle it! For Christ's sake! I sit on the board of this fucking hospital and I know what you have to do to get the best care. Just shut up and listen!"

She quickly strode ahead of us in a tizzy, her walk forceful but crooked, her arms swinging, her neck bobbing around. To tell you the truth, she scared the shit out of me. I quietly trailed behind Narc and the EMT.

So that's how we entered the hospital-- we walked in the ambulatory entrance. By the time I caught up to the Sorceress, she was arguing with the intake nurse about taking Narc in right away ahead of the line.

"Go over there and get him checked in!" she ordered me. It was the first thing she had said to me all night.

"Okay."

I obediently went over to the check-in window.

"Name?"

"Narc."

"Address and phone?"

I told them.

"Insurance?"

"He doesn't have any."

"Okay... I need an emergency contact and some ID."

"I guess, just put me," I said. (This felt way too surreal!) "Just put me as the contact and I'll get you the ID."

I walked over to Narc to ask him for his wallet.

"Take his jacket off him," the Sorceress ordered me. "Help him with that."

Narc was talking to the nurse. I didn't want to interrupt. But I was scared to not do what she said.

"Narc," I whispered, coming up behind him and putting my hands on his shoulder. "I just need your ID. And... why don't you take this off."

I helped him labouringly wriggle out of the sleeves.

The next thing I knew, I was completing the paperwork and Narc was whisked away into the emergency room proper. I saw his image disappearing down a long hallway. I looked at the Sorceress. She was quiet for once.

"Hi. I'm Hyde," I said, timidly.

"Sorceress." She was leaning against the wall and gave me a jaunty smile.

"I told you I could get him in, if you all listened to me," she grinned. "You have to know the fucking system!"

"It was really quite impressive," I agreed.

"I just want to make sure he gets the right care," she said. "I mean, I don't know this guy from Adam... I just met him this summer. But I can't have his blood on my hands, you know? I just can't have blood on my hands!"

"Uh, huh..."

I didn't know what to say.

"I've got to get in there and talk to him," she announced out loud.

The next thing I knew, she elbowed her way past the hospital guard and into the emergency room.

"Wait, you can't--!" the guard began, but it was too late to stop her.

"I have to see the doctor!" she called over her shoulder.

I slipped through the door behind her and scurried after her.

Narc was in a cubicle, sitting on a bed, dressed in a hospital gown when I got to him. I stood by him and put my hands on him and tried to silently comfort him. But soon, I had to move out of the way for the nurse.

"I want him checked for a PE!" the Sorceress was telling the nurse.

"Yes, ma'am. This is an excellent hospital. We'll check for everything."

"You don't have to tell me this is an excellent hospital! I know this is a fucking good hospital! I sit on the board of directors of this fucking hospital! Do you want to look my name up in the computer? Go ahead!"

The nurse cringed. So did Narc.

"I'm sure they'll take good care of me," he said.

"I just want to make sure that they're thorough." the Sorceress insisted. She was pacing around the cubicle. I was pushed to the outer edge. I could barely see Narc.

"We're going to run an EKG and a CT scan first," she said. "Don't worry. We'll take good care of him. I need you guys to wait outside now. You can come back and visit at the next visiting time, which is 8:00."

"Okay, let's go!"

The Sorceress whirled on her feet and strode towards the door. I gave Narc a quick kiss. His energy was cold and deadly and awkward. I felt like I was in a dream. I followed the Sorceress back into the lobby.

"Wanna go get a cup of coffee?" she asked me.

"No, I think I'll stay here," I said.

"Why? You can't get back in right now. Come get coffee with me. Let's go. Give me your bag!"

I handed her my bag without a word.

"Good exercise!" she exclaimed, hauling it over her shoulder and bursting past me out the door. I trotted to keep up.

"There's a Starbucks just over here," I pointed.

"Not that one. We're going to the one on 5th."

"But that's five avenues away!"

It didn't make any sense.

"That's okay. Exercise, my dear! Exercise! It will do us good!"

And with that, we were off.

More to come...

-h-

Alcoholism

2006-12-04T12:31:00.000-05:00

Narc isn't supposed to drink more than one drink from now on. He is on blood thinners and alcohol only makes his blood more thin. Plus, the medication overworks his liver. On top of that, he has to be really careful not to injure himself by falling and getting bruised or cut. The doctor explained all that to him.

He called me last night at 3:30 am. He was very drunk.

Alcoholism is scary.

-h-

At Home

2006-12-03T02:09:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a day today. The "Glitter and Doom" exhibit was incredible and I can't wait to read the catalogue, which I had to buy!

I donned a short dark brown bob wig with a 1920's style crocheted cap and painted my eyes in electric green for the occasion. While I was explaining some of the history to Anxious at the exhibit, a little crowd gathered and I felt like quite the historian!

Even so, things crashed for me tonight. It had to do with a conflict with Brick, but moreso with the fact that I felt invisible to him. Brick relapsed again last weekend and I opened my home and my heart to him and then felt invisible. And I know that Brick cares about me, but it's just that this week with Narc has been so hard... I've been so good to him and I've done everything that he's asked of me, but he still acts like I don't exist. I hear him telling his friends that he "just took a cab" to the emergency room, etc. when I was the one to bring him there, bring him all of things, show up every day, and bring him home. I don't exist.

I don't exist.

I couldn't catch myself tonight on my downward spiral. The crying jag was back with a vengeance. I slashed up my arm in two places. And that scared me. I didn't know what to do. I painted my eye makeup on even thicker and watched it streak down my cheeks. I smoked cigarettes and let the smoke waft up into my eyes and sting them. I painted my lips in a bruised purple. I listened to Roy Orbison and KD Lang sing "Crying" over and over.

And I don't know why I did what I did next, but I did it... God, maybe.

I called a girl from my home group. She was down on the Lower East Side hearing a band. She went outside so she could hear me and stayed on the phone with me. She told me that she was going to make a house call and asked if she could bring two other home group members that were with her. I don't know why I agreed, but I said okay.

They got here at about 10:45. They sang a little with me and gave me candy and laughed and didn't ask once why I was crying. It didn't matter anymore. We sat up and played trivial pursuit until 2:00 am. They were all tired, but they didn't leave. So, my living room was full. It was full of life and new friends. I can't explain it... but I know that they know where I was at that night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that they helped me feel "a part of." At home in my home.

I'm still tired from all the crying. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.

But, wow... When I first joined my home group, a girl told me I "never had to be alone again if I didn't want to be." I don't think I really believed her, or even thought about it. But, now I do. And I hope I can be there for someone else...

love,
h

PS: More N drama, of course, but in the spirit of the evening, I'm going to let it go for now...

The Good, the Bad and the...

2006-12-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

The Good News:
Narc got out of the hospital today. I picked him up there at around noon and took him home. He's going to have to be monitored very closely, but he has pulled through this ordeal. Hooray! And thank God!

The Bad News:
I gave him a blow job. (Is that really bad news? I can't decide. I didn't think so at the time. But now I sort of do... sort of. Well, I really don't. But, it SHOULD be bad news, right? If I'm supposed to be "teaching him how to treat me" and all that... Right?)

Ugh... I don't know anymore. I just don't know.

More to come...

-h-

Thanksgiving Surprise

2006-11-30T17:40:00.000-05:00

So... I don't even know where to start. I'm too exhausted to write, and yet, if I don't write everything will somehow slip away from me. I don't know... maybe that's for the best.

Well, in any case... here we go...

I hadn't heard from Narc at all last week or the week before, unless I complained that I could "take it no more" in which case, I got a mildly placating text in return. It was the same way last Wednesday-- the day I was stuck at home, sick in bed. I felt awful. And in my weakened condition, I called him and left him a voice mail.

"I don't expect to hear back from you... I don't even know why I'm calling," I sighed as I hung up the phone.

I didn't expect it would prompt a response, but it did. We talked for twenty minutes.

"You can pop by any time," he said.

"Oh, really?" I was dubious.

"Yeah, sure."

"So... maybe Friday? Or Saturday?"

"I was thinking more like tonight."

I was sick, sick, SICK, but I couldn't resist him. NDN knew it when he came up here and posted a quickie for me on the blog. We both knew it... I was still sucked in to all that.

I had baked a cake that afternoon for no other reason except that I had a major sugar craving. NDN and I had each had a piece. I decided to bring the rest to Narc...

So... I went.

It was a strange hang out... Kind of a lame hang out. The right energy wasn't there. We played with Narc's new Nintendo Wii and I beat him at the bowling game. I could tell he didn't like that. He told me that he's been hanging with the Exhibitionist again and that she's dating some creepy lawyer just to get him to pay for things like her $700 haircuts, but that she's trying to avoid fucking him for as long as she can. Narc told me the story with a measure of pride-- as if he were a dorky ninth grade boy befriended by a popular girl and wanted to show off about it.

"Narc-- do you realize how disgusting that sounds?" I asked. "What happened to treating people as an ends and not a means? That's a cardinal rule for me. I wouldn't be showing off about my shallowness if I were the Exhibitionist. It's unflattering. I have no respect for that."

I think my response to his story made him feel "awkward."

Anyway, we hung out until 1:00 am or so and then both chugged some NyQuil and headed to bed. At 3:30 in the morning, my phone rang. It was Brick. I crawled out of bed with Narc and headed into the living room, curling up on the couch. Brick was distressed. He had left for Virginia earlier that day to spend Thanksgiving with his sister and her fiancee, but he was having a hard time. His siblings were drinking openly as the "main activity," and his other sister's boyfriend smoked a joint in the car on the way down. We talked through it for a while and then I confessed that I was at Narc's. I wished I could do more for Brick, but had to accept that I couldn't. I'm grateful for his friendship, though. I probably got back to bed at around 4:30 am.

The next morning, I couldn't spend the day with Narc, as it was Thanksgiving. I kissed him goodbye and headed out to Queens where BigSis and Bro-in-Law live. They were planning on driving me to my mom's. It was a nice afternoon. I baked two pumpkin pies. Dinner was at Bro-in-Law's parents house. His niece and nephew, D&D were there and I had a lot of fun playing with the kids. I let them polish my nails and draw "tattoos" all over me with magic marker. Their mother couldn't believe I permitted it, but I enjoyed it. I liked watching them laugh. My cousins Jail and Jol were there too, with my aunt (my mom's sister). And then, of course, there was the usual crowd-- my parents, my sisters and the boys.

Later that night, I was thrilled to get a text from Narc: Thanksgiving at home, just ModelChick and myself. Polished off your cake. It was tres delicious!

Hyde: Yay! Glad I could contribute to your feast. My pumpkin pies were good too. I'm ready to crash now. Hope you're feeling ok. Lots to be thankful for this year. :)

Narc: Still feeling rotten, but NyQuil and sleep soon...

Hyde: Ok. Well, wishing you sweet dreams. I was glad to see you again... Be easy on yourself and enjoy the Zelda.

Narc: Playing Zelda now!

Hyde: Huzzah! Are you the warrior or the wolf?

Narc: Back to my human form. In an epic jousting match right now.

Hyde: Epic? That sounds intense... Good luck. :)

I had planned to stay at my mom's place that night. So there I was-- laying in bed, watching TV, exhausted from my day and filled with a slew of mixed emotions, when the phone rang. It was B. He called to tell me that he was engaged.

I don't really want to get into all of that-- all of the feelings that flooded me. To be honest-- after everything that's happened the past week, I don't have the strength to relive all of that again. But it was hard. I cried and cried and cried. And then I slept.

The next morning, I called my mom to come down and talk to me while I was still in bed. I think I needed a little extra support to get myself up to face the world. But, finally, I took a deep breath, dragged myself up and tried to re-center myself for the day. I had plans to spend the afternoon with my stepbrother, who since the accident has found a new joy in singing. It's clear that the part of his brain that relates to music functions much better than the part of his brain that works for language, and it's a way for him to express himself. My mom and I wanted to take him to my apartment where I could play piano and sing with him through the afternoon.

Before we got there, we stopped off at a music store and picked up some sheet music-- mostly stuff from the '50's and '60's-- stuff that my mom likes to sing with him. My parents have hired an attendant to help with him while he's at their place, and she came with us too.

On our way into the city, I texted Narc again: Gorgeous day today! :)

Narc: Yes, and I will be stuck inside, rescuing princess Zelda!

Hyde: How many hours are you in now?

Narc: About 20. Not even one third!

Hyde: Wow. You are one dedicated man. All for a princess with whom there's no romance! Have fun. I'm headed back to the city in a few hrs...

Narc: The quest is the romance!

Hyde: Very "male" of you to say!

Anyway, when we got to my place, I got to entertain my stepbrother. He is so sweet and I had a lot of fun singing with him. We all ordered in Chinese food. After that, I sang an aria or two for them and my mom was really impressed.

"You have a gift, sweetie, and you have to do something with it," she said.

That felt good.

They all headed out at around 5:00 and I didn't bother to make plans for the evening. I was too tired. I finally spoke to B, though, and after a few tears, I felt grateful for his friendship and his love.

"You are my family," he told me. "I will never, ever, abandon you. Don't be afraid of that just because I'm engaged. I will always be there."

I felt bad that I had to make it about myself and that I couldn't just be purely happy for him, but I really am doing my best. I told him that, and he said that he knows it.

Anyway, I cried a little more that night, just because the tears were in me. Then I went to bed.

The next day, I woke up and went to a "double winners," Alanon/AA meeting. After that, I met B for lunch. We ate at a Chinese place on 3rd avenue-- the same one we used to eat at walking back from school, my first year of the PhD program.

"Remember how excited and intense I was about my research paper, back then?" I asked him.

"Yeah. It used to make me stressed," he laughed, "because I had all those incompletes and a lot of anxiety about doing them."

"My, how the tables have turned!"

I ordered some steaming red bean buns-- the same as I used to eat when B and I lived together.
While we were eating, I saw that I had missed a call from Narc. I also had a text from him.

Heading to ER, he wrote.

I called him back right away. He told me that he had collapsed that morning and that he had called around but none of his friends were there. He didn't want to call an ambulance, but wanted to take a taxi to the ER. I told him that I was having lunch with B, but that I could come if it were an emergency.

"Well, I'm not sure if I have to go," he said. "I may just rest for a bit and then reassess."

"Okay, well keep me posted!" I made him promise. "I'm going to be worried. And of course, if you have to go, I'll come down."

After that, B and I headed back to my place for some afternoon music. He just started taking voice lessons with a new teacher, and while he has always sung baritone, this new teacher thinks he may be a tenor! He was excited about it, so we sang through some music and even foolishly braved the Love Duet from Otello.

All the while, though, I was worried about Narc. I tried calling him a few times, but he didn't answer. I figured that he was playing games with me again. I was getting really anxious, though, and couldn't help myself from obsessing.

"Why don't you just put off thinking about it until 5:00 pm?" B suggested. "Then you can call him again. But you can't let yourself be tortured like this every minute!"

I agreed.

B left my place at around 5:00 and luckily, I heard back from Narc just after that. Thus began the beginning of one of the strangest nights of my life. But, I'm off to an AA meeting now, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for the rest of the story...

hope you are all well.

love,
h

Crying

2006-11-30T16:53:00.000-05:00

I feel so out of control sometimes. I am a physical and chemical mess. I've had a hard week, but it's not that. It's something else I can't understand. I started the day out okay, but ended up on another crying jag this afternoon. I am feeling suicidal again. I can't go through this every month. I called my mom, hardly able to breathe. I feel like I can't get through to the next moment. I don't know how I taught today. I cried in my office until two minutes before class. I just kept praying for God to give me the strength to be of service to my students. Somehow I did it. Now, I've just finished the class and I have a dull, pressing headache accompanied by extreme exhaustion. I just want to go home and get under the covers, but I'm going to try to press on to my meeting tonight first. I wish I could have some Jack Daniels, but I know that it would only be a temporary fix and I'd be left feeling worse. I just don't know why I feel this way, though. I know that it's physical. It feels physical. And I feel so very, very out of control.

I hate it.

Still working on that other post...

h

Glitter and Doom

2006-11-29T23:23:00.000-05:00

There's a new exhibit at the Met called Glitter and Doom. If I were ever going to name an exhibit after myself, that would be it! That would be it exactly. In fact, I can't think of a more perfect description for myself!

I'm going to check it out with Anxious on Saturday. It's all Weimar portraiture-- the works of Dix, Grosz, etc. I absolutely love that stuff. (I got semi-obsessed with it two years ago after reading a book about Lustmord paintings, followed by Grosz's autobiography).

Anyway... Weimar decadence aside, I have so much that I want to write and so much that I need to say, but I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off on absolutely no sleep. I'm going to get up early tomorrow to try to draft a post. I don't know if it seems to you all that I haven't been writing as much, but I feel it in my bones... I miss blogging.

Narc is still in the hospital and will probably be there through Sunday. The blood clots were described as forming a "forest" of clots in his lungs. Fucking scary. He's lucky to be alive, but I don't think he sees it that way... I have been through such a roller coaster of emotions with all of this-- all of which I am itching to write about. The bottom line-- I am starting to see things more clearly... even if I don't like what I see.

In any case, as I'm bone tired, I'm heading off to bed. I just wanted to check in for a quick "hello."

love,
h

Update

2006-11-28T07:18:00.000-05:00

Narc is stable and is going to be okay. He has to stay in the hospital for a week though, on heavy doses of heparin to thin out his blood. He avoided the heart surgery, thank God. This whole thing has been crazy... an absolute drain. And I have so much to write about, but no time right now, as I've been spending my spare moments in the hospital.

Things are changing so fast for me, it's incredible. But I'm making it through and I'm still sober and that's pretty fucking amazing.

I'm feeling very grateful.

-h-

Dying...!

2006-11-26T03:19:00.000-05:00

This time he really is dying.

It's 3:12 am and I just got home. I took Narc to the ER and just left him in the hospital. I went to his apartment and got all of his things. I'm going back to the hospital in the morning.

He has blood clots in his right ventricle blocking the air to his lungs. He may need heart surgery. He's on blood thinners for the moment until they re-test him in the morning.

I can't fucking believe this.

Of course, I'll be back with details, but maybe not for a while...

Pray for him... please.

-h-

Engaged

2006-11-24T21:03:00.000-05:00

B called me last night after midnight with some news-- He and Drippy got engaged. That means that since I've gotten sober, first Hammer got engaged, then Narc and now B.

-h-

NDN's Post

2006-11-22T21:39:00.000-05:00

This is NDN filling in for Hyde. She's breathing over my shoulder, infecting me with God knows what... Anyway. An update is needed for her blog, for as you see just as I walked in to bring her laundry she was on the phone with......who could it be.......you've probably already guessed that we are referring to the Narcissist. She hadn't spoken to him in many days, but decided to call him this afternoon.

Now this is Hyde typing because NDN was getting tired of typing, but NDN is still dictating. Narc called her back just before I walked in the door and told her that he's "Dying" of course and that he hasn't left the house in weeks, BUT that he's managed to see many different feature films with many different people.

Hyde asked if she was ever going to see him again and he said

"You're always welcome to come here. You know that!"

So, Hyde said "Maybe I'll come down Friday or Saturday night!"

Narc vascillated. "I was thinking more like tonight..."

Even though he can't walk two feet he wants a booty call. (This is Hyde for a sec-- those are NDN"s words, not mine!!! Okay... back to NDN).

Meanwhile, Hyde is dying too. She couldn't even leave her apartment to get her own laundry. But silly, silly Hyde. She's gonna schlepp to Tribeca... The saga will continue. But I want Hyde to prove me wrong and tell Narc that if he wants sex, he can get his ass up here.

Narc just texted:
If it's not too out of the way, would you be able to grab some Nyquil on the way down?

I would love it if Hyde wrote back exactly: You know, I'm sick too. What have you done for me lately? Wouldn't it be nice if you brought ME some Nyquil?

Hope this wasn't too awkward for you guys...

*hugs!*

NDN

Madness

2006-11-22T20:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I was feeling fine for the past two days, but here I am, a train wreck, yet again. I'm sick... I have an awful cough and a slight fever. I really don't feel like schlepping out to Long Island tomorrow or dealing with city traffic or the parade crowds... especially as the forecast says cold rain!

And I'm sad about Narc. He continues to ignore me and I have to accept it. Even though my heart is breaking... broken... I'm also mad at him here and there... in the brief flashes of clarity and sanity given to me. Let's hope they become more frequent and longer lasting. More than anything, the conflict within me is sickening me. When my mind wanders to his face and his hands, I feel like I need to vomit.

I stayed in bed all day today, only venturing out for a few minutes to the deli across the street. I ate a banana. I baked a yellow cake with chocolate icing. Then I only ate one small piece. I also gave one to NDN.

It's cold out this week. I like it. Just two days ago, I was feeling grateful that my favorite season is descending upon us. I love Christmas lights and I love the smell and feel of cold air. I simply love November-January. I always find myself in those months.

But today I am morose and slightly despondent. Today I am a bottomless well of self-pity and helplessness. (Hmm... Don't I love being melodramatic!).

I feel a little delirious right now. I better not say another word, lest you all think I've gone mad.

love,
h

PS: Tomorrow, if my health allows it, I am going to bake a pumpkin pie.

Stilled Waters

2006-11-21T14:26:00.000-05:00

I'm in a very strange mood today. It started when I woke up this morning. I felt like it might be over... all of this might be over. I might be done with Narc. I don't want to say more than that, because I know I've said it before and it hasn't been true. And I don't want to overthink this feeling and scare myself back into my "tunnel-vision" for him, but if I'm writing about today, it had to be said. That's where I'm at.

Anyway, on to the rest of the weekend! I think I left you off when Brick and I were about to head to NV's party with our new AA friend (Well-- he's more Brick's friend than mine). I'm going to call him "Pilman." Anyway, they came up to my apartment and before we left, I sang Vissi d'arte for them and Pilman cried! Then we headed outside and walked the five blocks to NV's place. It was a pretty fun party, although NV did mention the ginger-infused vodka when we arrived. All three of us split up and had a pretty easy time chatting with people. There was a girl I met who is a jazz singer. She got a little drunk, though, and became pretty annoying, asking everyone advice about whether or not she should ditch her artist boyfriend for some rich guy who wants to take her to Paris. (Brick said "yes!" and I said "no!"). At one point, Brick put his arms around me (which I'm totally comfortable with) and after that, Pilman, following his lead, started being more "touchy-feely" with me, which I really didn't like. I'm not yet practiced enough at saying so, though. So, instead, I just got silently annoyed.

We left the party at around 1:30 and stopped off for some ice cream before heading back to my place. NDN had texted to see if I were awake, so I invited him upstairs. All four of us chatted for a while and NDN put on some really strange HBO porn series that featured a 500 lb woman covered in cookie dough having sex. By 2:00 am, Brick wanted to go to bed, so NDN went home, I blew up the air mattress for Pilman so he could join us in the bedroom and we all drifted off to sleep.

On Sunday morning, I woke up bright and early. Brick was up and getting ready to head out for a brunch date with a guy he met while "speed-dating" the night before. Pilman left with him and I got ready for my own brunch with Bezoukhoff. We had a really lovely afternoon. After our meal, he came back to my apartment and helped me do some research on the Belarusian village that my mom's family came from. I have already gathered as much as possible, given the language barrier, but Bezoukhoff found some interesting information and translated the websites for me. By 2:30, it was time to head uptown for B's concert.

Just as we were settling down into our seats in a gorgeous, warm, Presbyterian church that smelled of pine, Bezoukhoff realized that he had lost his cell phone in the cab. He wasn't upset for long, though. The concert was truly beautiful. I loved the sturm und drang of some of the Haydn and the soprano soloist in the first half was a real surprise. She was amazing. I am thinking about giving her a call and asking to sing for her.

I wasn't even aware that Drippy was there in the audience, but after the concert, when B came up to give me a huge hug, he immediately alerted me to her presence. The four of us went out for coffee and I have to say-- Drippy was friendlier than she has ever been!

After that, B and Drippy headed home while Bezoukhoff and I came back to my place. Bezoukhoff called his sister to let his family know about the missing phone and as luck would have it, his sister reported that the phone had been found! Bezoukhoff called the good Samaritan who picked it up from the cab and headed out to get his phone back. Then he came back to my house, we ate Chinese, watched some Jon Stewart and Colbert and I sent him off as I went to bed.

That's pretty much all the excitement I have to report. Yesterday was a decent day. At 5:30 am, the phone rang. I heard it in my sleep, even though it was my land line and was only ringing in my living room.

It's probably Narc, I thought. And whoever it is will try my cell next.

But, my cell phone never rang. So, later that morning, when I got out of bed, I checked the machine. It was my grandma calling from Jerusalem! She sounded so sad. I called her back right away, even though it's always a painful phone call for me. She is getting old. If we don't go back for another visit soon, I fear that I'll never see her again.

The rest of the day was fine. I taught, and that's about it...

Today I went to the doctor. I gained five pounds in spite of the lizard spit. The doctor couldn't believe it. I guess my body is freakishly out of wack. I do have good news, though-- my liver is officially back to normal! Would you believe it? All it took was six months of sobriety to get those numbers back where they need to be! I am very happy that there's no long-term damage.

Now I'm here in my office with a little bit of time before I have to teach. I think I'm going to try to get some more work done on my fourth step.

I have a lot more I want/need to say about Narc, but I don't want to do that to myself right now. So... I'll write it later.

If I'm not back before then-- Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

h

Shift

2006-11-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

Today it's cold outside. I love it. It's crispy and my cheeks and nose are pink. I feel muted, white and grey, but in a beautiful, Romantic way.

This was a busy weekend for me, and one that was filled with music and movies! On Friday I saw the James Bond movie with B. You all already know what I thought of that one! ;)

Later that night, I headed to a women's meeting-- a new one that I hadn't been to. A girl in my home group chairs the meeting and had invited me. I have to say-- I was surprised at how uncomfortable I was in a roomful of women. I hate to say it, but I really don't like women very much, except for the few that I'm close to. More self-hatred, I guess, but I definitely have a misogynist streak in me. Anyway, I don't feel expanding on that right now, but it gave me a lot of food for thought.

After that, I met up with NDN for a little Congee Village followed by a viewing of Volver, which I loved. I had a great time. NDN and I were up to our usual antics! We ate strudel at Yonah Schimmel's and NDN made chit chat in Russian with the little old ladies.

On our way home, we stopped over at Cheers because Double-T texted me that he would be there. Can you believe that that guy is still around and pursuing me?!?! He's so persistent. Anyway, when I got there, PumpedUp spotted me and made a big show, throwing his arms up in the air and exclaiming "It's Hyde! Hyde's here! It's Hyde!" He and FightingMensch were both a little drunk and gave me big hugs and PumpedUp kissed me on the cheek.

FightingMensch wanted to buy me a drink.

"No shots of Jager tonight, Hyde?" PumpedUp laughed.

"Nope... I'm six months sober now," I smiled. "Just a diet coke, please."

'No way! Wow! You should have seen this girl drink!" PumpedUp said, turning to the interchangeable girl on FightingMensch's arm. "You should have seen her go at the Jack Daniels. I mean... I've seen people drink, but never like Hyde!"

It made me feel weird. I was torn between being proud and feeling awful for feeling proud and feeling guilty for even being in a bar and putting myself into that situation, and sad that I can't drink like that anymore. I remember that feeling-- drinking the boys under the table. I miss it. It made me feel strong. But I don't want to go there...

Anyway, I couldn't believe the affection pouring out of PumpedUp. He pinched my cheek. It made me laugh. It made me sad.

After a while, TT came over and found me and so NDN and I went over and found seats with him. We hung out there for a while, as NDN was waiting to blow us away with his rendition of Eminem. And later on, Brick called me, just out of a date with some oil tycoon (Brick and his men!) and so I told him to come meet us at Cheers. He showed up, but didn't feel comfortable staying, so I gave him the key to my apartment.

TT was also pouring out the affection. He kept putting his arm around me. I could tell that he was a little beyond tipsy. He kept telling me how glad he is to know me and how much he likes me.

"I don't want to sound strange or inappreciative," I began, "but I don't get why you like me so much... I mean... I've only acted completely crazy around you!"

"You're good people," he said. "And at the risk of sounding cliche, you're a remarkable woman. I don't come across too many of those!"

I'll take it, I guess.

At around 2:00, it was time to head home. NDN's song never got called, but I was tired. When I got back to my place, Brick was up waiting. We stayed up gossiping for a while, before finally crashing to bed at around 4:00.

The next morning, Brick took off relatively early to go to a meeting with a new friend from our homegroup (I need a name for him!). I hung around the house until it was time to go to my own meeting-- a "Double Winners" meeting that I first tried out a few weeks ago. After that, I headed over to the West Side to meet my mom at the opera. We had tickets for La Boheme.

It was an absolutely beautiful production with Rolando Villazon as Rodolfo and Angela Marambio as Mimi. She's making her Met debut this year and I really liked her voice. Her mi chiamano Mimi inspired me to want to come home and sing all night long!

After the opera, my mom drove me back to my neighborhood where we ate Chinese for dinner and talked about men in general (a thinly veiled discussion about Narc in particular). She gave me a great metaphor (something about being a guppy in a pond) but I don't have the energy to explain it right now.

My friend NV (who I haven't mentioned on here in FOREVER!) was having a party later that night and I asked Brick to come. Brick, however, was still hanging out with his new AA friend and the two of them had signed up for some sort of gay-speed-dating. They ended up not showing up to my place until 10:30, and I was really annoyed because Brick had originally agreed to meet me at 9:00. In any case, I cleaned my house up while I waited, and worked on a crossword puzzle.

Anyway, for the rest of the weekend, I'll have to come back and post more later. Right now, I've got to run to therapy and then to a meeting tonight.

On the Narc front, not much is new except that I feel myself breaking and I know that I will never be sober until I surrender. I was talking to Brick about this last night and he said it best-- even if I can stay "dry," I'll never be "sober." Anyway, as yesterday was our "anniversary," I thought I would die if I didn't hear from him. So, I sent him a text in the morning asking him to call me. He did. But when the phone rang, I got too scared pick up because I didn't know what to say. After that, some banal texting ensued.

And... that's it.

Hope you're all well!

love,
hyde

Anniversary

2006-11-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, I had a most perfect night with Narc.

Two years ago today is the day that I told him that I love him.
(It's also the night that Hammer and I had our infamous Puny-boy night!)

He called me this morning and left a message.

I am seeing Bezoukhoff for lunch this afternoon. Then we're going to B's concert. He's singing Haydn's Lord Nelson Mass.

There are knots in my stomach today.

I wish...

trying to let go...

-h-

Hot.

2006-11-17T18:24:00.000-05:00

Lizard Spit

2006-11-16T17:01:00.000-05:00

Today is day three on my new medication. Can you believe it? I'm injecting myself with lizard spit!

The first day was kind of rough. I felt really nauseated with an upset stomach for the entire second half of the day. My AA meeting was holding elections that night, but I wanted to leave before the voting, as I needed to take a second injection and I was feeling a little woozy. My sponsor told me to stay, but I left anyway, explaining it to her after. I have to say-- it felt really good to do what I knew was the right thing for me and to stand up for myself. It's cool that I could practice that with my sponsor. Now if only I can flex that muscle enough to act that way with Narc!

Day two on my meds was easier on my stomach, but I ended up taking a long nap in the afternoon. I don't know why I was so fatigued, but I made it through the day without eating any egregious sugars...

Today I woke up bright and early, but ended up falling asleep again and napping on and off until around 2:00 pm. I forced myself up, at that point, as I had to teach, but I'm still feeling kind of crappy-- a little dizzy, sweaty, flushed and with hot flashes. I hope that if this is all from the medicine, that it will pass in another day or two. My sugar cravings are disappearing, which is kind of miraculous, but I'm still nervous about injecting myself with toxic lizard spit. I have so much on my plate right now, that it's hard to keep on top of any one thing. I'm just trying to pay close attention to how I feel and take it one day at a time.

Anyway... what else is going on? For one thing-- the texting continues. I couldn't believe Narc's text to me on Tuesday. In case, you forgot, I'll write it here again.

Hyde please don't think I'm blowing you off. This is how I get when I'm writing. Will be here for a bit, if you feel like company, come by after your teaching.

After that, I went to AA but couldn't resist writing back. I wrote:

It does feel like that... And things are sensitive right now. Just got out of class and going to AA. But call me later, okay?

He didn't call me later, but he did send me a text. When I read it, Brick was over at my house.

Just out of "Fast Food Nation." Most disturbing...

I put off writing back for a few hours, but couldn't make it through the night.

No more McDonald's for you then...huh? I said.

He responded right away: But the burgers are so tasty...! (sigh)

Yesterday morning, I wrote to him again: Good luck with the essay (if you finished it!)

I didn't hear from him until around 9:30 last night: "Oh Mr. Darcy..." "Miss Bennett..." "Mr. Darcy..." Damn this movie won't go away!

Brick slept over again last night, and I promised him I wouldn't write back to Narc. So, again, I held off until morning, when I wrote:

You know I prefer Heathcliff to Darcy. And today is a perfect day to go racing across the moors...

That's it in the Narc department. Pretty dumb. When the hell will I be able to let go? To surrender?

It's strange... I have been thinking about all of this a lot (because I always am!) but also because of the CL ad I posted. I didn't answer a single response, although I was flooded with many that had potential, even for this skeptic. I didn't answer because I didn't want to. And I usually say that I'm "not interested" because I'm in love with Narc. I am in love with Narc. Of that, I have no doubt. But I don't think that's the reason for my faithfulness to him. I think I'm afraid of being promiscuous again. I'm "all or nothing" in everything I do. We're coming up on the two year anniversary of when I told Narc that I'm in love with him and that I would forsake all others for him. Did I really love him back then? I don't know. But I desperately wanted to stop fucking around the way I was. I wish I were better at being "in between."

Anyway, I should get going. I have another meeting to get to. I'm glad that Brick is coming to my home group these days. I get to see a lot more of him. It was so cute the way he came over last night, still in his work clothes and tie, toting some Chinese food.

Talk to you all later...
-h-

One More Try?

2006-11-14T17:23:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, B!!!

B is turning 30 today. I don't know why that makes me feel anxious, but it does. I've known him for all of his 20's. I am always so afraid of time and of change and of "moving on."

Anyway, it's been a rough week for me, emotionally. On Friday, my mom and sisters came into the city to celebrate my six months. My mom came earlier, though, to take me to the doctor. My depression and my blood sugar problems have been spiraling out of control, and I needed to do something to get a handle on it. I went back to my endocrinologist with a list of questions in hand and got a few new answers. He prescribed me a new medication (used to treat diabetes, although I don't have diabetes yet) and it has to be taken by injection. That creeped me out a little, until I realized that a girl who has no qualms about cutting herself with half-rusted razor blades shouldn't be so squeamish about sticking a tiny needle in her thigh twice a day. I'm still not satisfied that this medication will be "the answer," but at least it's a starting point. I can't really explain it any more than that without going into boring medical details, so I'll leave it at that for now.

Afterwards, my mom and I went to the bookstore to shop around while we waited for LilSis' train to arrive from Long Island. My mom bought me a hysterical book called AdDICKted-- 12 Steps to Kicking Your Bad Boy Habit . I also got The Nazi Conscience-- the new(-ish) Claudia Koonz book.

At around 5:00, we met both my sisters at Penn Station and headed to the Upper West Side to synagogue. I got to choose our events from the evening, and that's what I decided to do! As luck would have it, Hammer's parents were in town visiting and she was also at the same service. At long last! Hyde and Hammer's mothers got to meet! It was a very strange coincidence, given that neither of them is ever at Friday night services in NY...

After dinner, I took my family to La Caridad for some fabulous fried food. Then it was home and to bed-- the first night of the week that Brick didn't spend the night. Even so, he awoke me with a 2:00 am phone call. I thought it was going to be Narc, but it wasn't...

That was the night that I slept fitfully-- the night that I sent Narc that half crazed email telling him that I would no longer call him nor wait for the phone to ring. (I'm still waiting...). The next morning, it was a bleak day. The sky dripped with gray and sadness and I only wanted to listen to Baroque music. I had a pile of midterms to grade on the top of my list, but I didn't want to do any of it. Instead, I decided that I needed to buy a new hair iron. So, I went out into the cold, bought a coffee and some cigarettes and walked 15 blocks to spend $120 that I don't really have. I don't care, though... I got a good one and it works a lot faster and with a lot less damage than the old one. While I was at Bed, Bath & Beyond, Brick called me. He asked if I wanted to meet up, and he said that he'd meet me there.

After he showed up, we walked back to my place, picked up some pizza and bummed around my apartment for the rest of the afternoon. That evening, he had plans to go to a meeting with a friend he met in my home group and I had plans to head out to the Bill W. Dinner Dance-- a New York Intergroup fundraiser. I got all dolled up in a super-low cut black dress with a super padded bra for extra effect. I slipped into some heels (a rare effort for this girl!) and I was off!

The event was held at the NY Hilton with nearly 2,000 people in attendance! I didn't see anyone I knew at first, but then bumped into a guy I "greet" with on Tuesday nights and it turns out we were seated at the same table. I ended up having some interesting conversation with two of the men at my table. I was feeling anxious, though, and couldn't quite adjust to being there. I don't know why, but I just felt shitty about myself and really quite uncomfortable. Then my phone rang. It was my mom. My grandfather had a stroke and was taken to the emergency room.

I ran out of the ballroom during the second speaker, to call her back. She said that she wasn't sure what was going on, as she was at an event with my stepfather out East, but that my aunt and LilSis went to the hospital. She told me to "go have fun," (as my mother is prone to do!), but I couldn't. I really didn't want to be at the party anymore. I found my sponsor and told her that I was leaving. Then I bid farewell to the men at my table and got out of there.

Waving my way through the rising smoke clouds emanating from the puffing party-goers outside the hotel doors, I called Brick. He said that he was in Chelsea and I told him to stay there-- that I would meet him where he was as soon as I could get a cab. Once I did, we agreed to head downtown for some singing to cheer me up. But first, of course, dessert!

Brick and I went to a small cafe in the West Village where we gorged on sugar and talked about life. Sitting outside the cafe, smoking on a bench, I was hit on by some gross, sleazy guy. Brick laughed at how I waved him off. Then we went to an ATM and another gross, sleazy guy hit on me. I guess it was the low cut dress.

We went into Marie's Crisis which was PACKED for the evening, and snagged two seats next to two young women with whom we ended up chatting the night away. The girls were very complimentary, telling me that I have beautiful skin and beautiful breasts. I told them about my secret bra. (Ha ha!). Brick insisted that I sing If I Loved You, which I did, to ravenous applause. It was cheering me up big-time. Then, who did we see walk in? Non other than SingMan! SingMan was there with RabbitNose and he kept looking at me while they sang. Rabbit even did a little "speech" solo in a number from A Chorus Line. I don't know what time it was when we left there and headed to Monster.

At Monster, the compliments were flooding in on me even more. Brick saw some guys that he knew from Georgetown. One of the "regulars" took it upon himself to tell me how much the Mon/Thurs/Fri pianist likes me and that he's a "good guy." For the amusement of everyone at the piano, Brick asked a gay whore if he would have sex with me. (For the record, the answer was "yes.") I chided him and laughed. It was that kind of a night.

At around 4:00 am, we went to the diner. We ate again. We weren't home and in bed until well after 5:00.

The next morning, Sunday, I woke up exhausted. Brick and I went for "brunch" at the diner (although it wasn't much of a "brunch"), and then went back to my place where he obsessed on gay.com while I tried to get some grading done. He has taken to calling me "Dolores Van Cartier." The afternoon culminated with the composition of the aforementioned Craigslist posting. Then, Brick went off to the Sunday night meeting while I stayed home and continued to plow through the papers that remained. After the meeting, Brick came back for an hour or so, so we could get a laugh at all of the responses. Then it was home for him and to bed for both of us.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:00 am to do the last of my grading. All I could think about was Narc and the fact that he hadn't called me back. I am sick about everything with him. I taught in the morning and was relieved to finally hand back exams. That afternoon, I was supposed to go to therapy, but my therapist called to cancel. I also got a message from VJ, saying that she wants to be friends. That was following a text exchange with her on Friday. I haven't written about all of that here, because I know she reads the blog, so I have nothing to say on that, except that it happened and that it's just another thing making me anxious lately.

Last night, I met Brick at a meditation meeting after trekking up Second Avenue in the rain. Afterwards, we went to a "watch" for my friend Lana, who is celebrating her one year anniversary today. We all "watched" her bring in her first year of sobriety. Brick came and so did Meema. I bought Lana a box of chocolates and a card. Brick's new sponsor sat with us while we ate. He's pretty cool.

Afterwards, Brick came back with me to my place. We ate some ice cream and talked for a while. I was feeling sick about Narc. So sick that I nearly threw up twice that day. I was overtired and needed sleep. So... sleep was had.

Today I woke up gave myself my first injection in the thigh. There was something sickly-pleasurable about it. Then I set off to meet B for his birthday lunch. After that, we sat at Verdi Square on 72nd street and listened to Baroque music and talked about God. Then I saw him off and came to teach. I was early and in my office when I did the deed-- I called Narc, unable to "white-knuckle" it any longer, and I hung up before it went to voice mail. He wrote me a text:

Just got your missed call. Lunching downtown, if you want to come by.

I called him back. We had that god-awful conversation, followed by his "please don't think I'm blowing you off" text.

"B is turning 30 today," I said.

"Awww... He'll be alright. I've been at it for six months now, and I'm fine."

"Yes, but it's just weird, because I met him right before he turned 20."

"Oh, that's right! You guys just had your ten year anniversary. I mean-- not anniversary, but friend thing."

"Yeah," I laughed at him.

HATE.

And then I went and taught about Martin Luther. And now I'm here blogging. And soon, I will be at another AA meeting.

And I still feel sick and I still want to be free. And I still don't know what I want more... Freedom or death, if death means relief and relief is him. And I don't know why I just said that because it's not how I really feel and it was an incredibly stupid thing to say... I just want another fix, that's all... Just one more, right? One more? One more try?

Ugh...

Gotta run now. Caffeine must be had.

A Fix Makes me Nauseous

2006-11-14T15:01:00.000-05:00

I am on the phone with Narc right now. He is talking about picture frames. He just said "I'm being indecisive for once." He is telling me that he went to see Borat with the Exhibitionist. He says that he went to see Guns and Roses with ModelChick.

"Why did you disappear?" I ask.

"Um... I've been writing," he says. "I've been working."

"On what?"

"My travel essay! I'm presenting tomorrow."

"Are you?"

"Yeah... but I'm gonna flake out. I don't think I'll finish in time."

"Right."

"I haven't left the house in weeks," he says. "This little trip to the Blaue Gans is my first time out... except last night. I went out last night for my Screenwriter's group and then met up with CouchSleeper."

I hate myself...

I tell him that I have to give myself injections now.

"Are you diabetic?"

"No."

I try to explain.

"What did the doctor say about you?" I ask.

"That I checked out. They don't know. Fuck Western medicine. They gave me two types of inhalers. When they don't know what to say, they say it's a virus."

"Oh."

"Did you see Copying Beethoven?" he asks.

"No. Do you recommend it?"

"Yes."

"Okay," I say.

"So, um yeah... I should get back to my food," he is telling me. "It's getting cold. Don't you have to teach now?" he asks. "I'm gonna be keeping my head down for the next few days."

"What does that mean?" I ask glumly. My voice is flat and I don't bother to disguise it.

He clearly feels awkward at my tone.

"It's not just you, hon," he stammers. I hate when he goes into "hon"-mode. "I'm ignoring everyone right now," he just said.

"Yeah... okay."

"No, really!" he insists. "And I'll give you a call whenever..."

"You do that."

I am speaking in monotone now.

"Okay," he laughs awkwardly.

"Yeah... enjoy your meal," I say bitterly.

"Okay, hon."

"Yeah. Bye."

PS:

Just after I posted this, and a few mintues after we hung up, I received the following text from Narc:

Hyde please don't think I'm blowing you off. This is how I get when I'm writing. Will be here for a bit, if you feel like company, come by after your teaching.

I feel sick.

-h-

She saw him in his present misery,
Whom, spight of all her wrongs, she griev'd to see.
She answer'd sadly to the lover's moan,
Sigh'd back his sighs, and groan'd to ev'ry groan:
"Ah youth! belov'd in vain," Narcissus cries;
"Ah youth! belov'd in vain," the nymph replies.
"Farewel," says he; the parting sound scarce fell
From his faint lips, but she reply'd, "farewel."
Then on th' wholsome earth he gasping lyes,
'Till death shuts up those self-admiring eyes.
To the cold shades his flitting ghost retires,
And in the Stygian waves it self admires.

Sunrise

2006-11-13T06:48:00.000-05:00

Okay... Now that the sun is rising, and I've awoken to an inbox chock full of inquiring men who want to "dominate me," I have to ask myself... what was I thinking??? This doesn't sit right with me. And all of the attention doesn't make me feel better about me and Narc. He's the only one that I want.

Anyway, I woke up extra early to finish up with my grading, so that's it for now. The lights on the Chrysler building stayed on all night last night, so I guess the birds are finished migrating.

later...

h

"Seeking Assertive Man"

2006-11-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

Narc, Narc, Narc... As soon as he read my email, he tried to call me. The only problem? My voice mail was full. So, he sent me a text:

Called you but your voice mail is full. Active week, though lungs still in poor shape. Call later.

It hurts in an unbearable way, but it's just not good enough. I can't live like this anymore... the pain... the nausea. Maybe I really am almost ready to admit my "powerlessness" over Narc.

I didn't write back. Since I sent the email marked, I saw that he has since read it five times! No contact, though.

Anyway, today, I was feeling heartbroken, so Brick suggested that I "move on." He is the king of meeting people online, and spent half the afternoon on gay.com today. He wanted to write me a CraigsList ad. So, he wrote this ad and posted it in for me. (He said that he knows that Mystic will think he's a bad influence on me... ha ha.) Well, I was really skeptical about the whole thing, and looked at it half as a joke, but it got a million responses so far. I haven't decided if I'm going to respond to any of them. Online dating is not really my thing. It's interesting, but makes me really uncomfortable.

Here's the ad (a la Brick!)...

Intelligent, voluptuous, sexy submissive gal seeking assertive man - 27 (Midtown East)

This is my first time posting on craigslist...so, here goes!

I am a sensual and attractive voluptuous girl that is seeking a strong assertive and intelligent man. I enjoy being the submissive counterpart in the relationship and being with a man that is strong and dominant both inside and sometimes outside of the bedroom. I find it fulfilling to be giving and caring -- satisfying my man physically and emotionally. I am currently working on my PhD and working as an adjunct prof.. I earned my BA in History and Music at an Ivy League university. So, I am looking for someone that is not only the dominant man but also well educated and politically minded.

I am not sure what else to say-- except that I am a nice, sweet, and attractive girl that just happens to like strong and in charge men. I am not, however, looking for just sex. I am looking to develop a long term relationship with a man that truly likes to take control in the relationship.

Well, that's it... Maybe there's a reason they tell AA's to stay out of a relationship in the first year!

;)

h

Poor Impulse Control

2006-11-11T09:26:00.000-05:00

I couldn't sleep last night. But, half asleep and in a moment of impulsivity, I crawled out of bed and wrote Narc the following email. Do I regret it? Sort of... But I'm trying to be strong...

Narc,

I hope you're feeling okay! I know you've been sick, but it's really frustrating that you haven't returned my calls in over a week. I'm gonna stop calling. I need to stop caring. I guess I just don't "get it," but I'm trying to be friends. This hurts. I can't be the only one who's trying. I hope that everything went okay with the doctors. I'm having my own health drama this week... But you won't call me back, so you wouldn't know.

Anyway, I love you. But I've decided that it's time for me to stop waiting for the phone to ring. Please take care and be well. I'll be thinking of you always... until I won't have to anymore.

lots of love,
hyde

Six-Month Stretch

2006-11-09T13:37:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy week. The end of last week was difficult and I was overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts. It was bad. I called my mom crying that "something had to change." I think that part of this has to do with my long overdue un-addressed blood sugar issue, but the rest of it is hormonal, as it keeps happening to me for the same two days out of the month. I need to figure out a way to fix it because I can't live like that.

Last Weekend:

In any case, over the weekend I went to my parents house and on Friday night I spent a lot of time with my stepbrother. It was really fulfilling for me. Normally, it just depresses me, but this time I had a lot of fun. He loves music and it is incredibly evident that music works a different part of his brain than language because he has an amazing musical memory even though he has very few words.

Before I got there, though, I met my mom at her office. I hung out with her for a while and then we made a pit-stop at the Bridal Salon where LilSis ordered her gown. There was a dress she had picked out for me as her maid of honor (BigSis and I are sharing the honor!). I tried the dress on (the best I could, given the tiny sample size) and decided to get it! It's gorgeous. (I'm ordering it in a dark red. You can check it out here.) I also got to see LilSis' dress, which I loved.

When we got back to the house, my grandpa came over with Chinese food in tow. We all watched Jeopardy while we ate. I used to watch that show all the time with my mom when I was in high school. I was a real wiz at it then. I have to say--I've since grown a little rusty. After dinner, I sat down with my stepbrother to play some piano while he sang. He had a blast!!! It was awesome. He was laughing, and singing away and shaking some maracas that my mom found, while I hammered out some oldies like "Stand By Me" and "Great Balls of Fire." LilSis came over and sang with us too. At one point, I played "One" from A Chorus Line and LilSis did a really funny dance with my stepbrother's walker. Even my stepfather joined in on the fun, with my mom taking pictures. It was nice. I just enjoyed being around my family.

Later that night, after my stepfather put my stepbrother to bed, LilSis, my mom and I stayed up late and talked. It was the first time I really talked to LilSis... possibly ever! We talked about everything. It was like a family therapy session minus the therapist. It was the first time I ever exposed myself to her, and opened up like that to my mom. I was really impressed at her maturity and openmindedness. She can come off as harsh, but she explained to me that it's her defense-- that she remembers shutting down around my dad when she was just three or four, feeling detached from him and annoyed that he was yellow and puking and rambling on about one thing or another. It's amazing to me how she and I reacted to all of that so differently. We also talked about the relationship that we've had for the past few years. It was a really healing thing.

I didn't climb into bed that night until after 2:00 am. Of course, I was anxious that having left Narc's place that afternoon, he ignored a text I sent him from the train. So I wrote to him again, asking about Borat, and he ignored me again. But, I already told you all of that...

The next day, I woke up bright and early. We were expecting a visit from GoldenFinch. Her husband had a seminar to attend one town over from where my mom lives, so she arrived with her son, BabyBird, ready to spend the day. I absolutely love that baby!

He has such beautiful eyes from his mother (not so evident in this picture) and beautiful lips from his father (who is a french horn player). I told GoldenFinch that I thought he was going to grow up to be a "brooder." I tried to teach the baby how to do a Byronic sneer. This picture (taken with my cell phone) was as close as I got...

It was really nice to see GoldenFinch again so soon. She held the baby while we sang "A Boy Like That" from West Side Story and ran through an old copy of Palestrina's Sicut Cervus, marked in B's handwriting "With Hushed Intensity." It made me laugh for the "old days."

It was nourishing to spend time with BabyBird and it was nourishing to watch the baby make my stepbrother smile. JBC loves kids and when he got up, he was having fun playing with the baby too.

At around 3:00, GoldenFinch volunteered to drive me into the city, where she was heading to meet her sister.

That night, I still hadn't heard from Narc. I was really antsy about it and wanted to get out of the house in a "Saturday night" kind of way. I called Hammer and made plans to go down and meet her. In the meanwhile, I called Brick. He said he was on his way to meet up with a guy. He sounded strange.

Hammer and I met at a diner in the West Village. I smoked Black and Gold cigarettes that Narc left at my house a year ago. We sat in the diner for a long time, just talking. Then I walked her back to her apartment for an episode of Sex in the City. It was a fun night.

I didn't get back to my building until around 3:00 am. As luck would have it, NDN was still up and invited me over for a chat. He was about to install his bathroom cabinets, and asked if I wanted to write any "graffiti" on his bathroom wall before the cabinets would cover it up. We came up with a few funny quotes and inside jokes and drew them on the wall with a thick black marker.

Finally, it was home and to bed.

The next day, I woke up feeling exhausted. I had to motivate myself out of bed, though, because Meema was running in the New York City Marathon and I had agreed to watch her pass by on the corner of 62nd and 1st. I made it up there (a little late) and found her husband, mother, mother in law, stepfather and two stepsisters. There, I waited with them for over an hour until she was spotted, gracefully jogging towards us. I couldn't believe how beautiful and sweat-free she remained despite the fact that she had already finished about twenty miles!

After Meema passed by, I stopped in at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I was suddenly filled with the urge for "home improvement." I called Brick from the store, but he didn't answer. In the meantime, I bought myself two beautiful goose-down pillows and a TON of cleaning supplies. Needing company, I called Bezoukhoff who joined me and helped me carry the stuff home. There, I scrubbed my kitchen floor with a brush just slightly larger than a toothbrush, while Bezoukhoff read me excerpts from Atlas Shrugged and I tried to exorcise my sexual masochism through cleaning.

After my cleaning blitz, Bezoukhoff and I went for dinner which I capped off with a brownie sundae dessert that looked like it could have been served by a clown at a kid's birthday party!

This Week:

The next day, I woke up to a very frightening text message from Brick:

I relapsed.

I called him right away, but he didn't pick up. I left him a message telling him how much I love him and that he should be proud of himself for admitting to this so fast and for coming back to help himself. I told him that I was there for him and I asked him to call me. He did. I really am proud of him for not giving up on himself. I can't imagine how he feels right now. He was skipping work, but we made a plan to meet later. I told him that we were going to a meeting together that night. Then, I had to go about my day.

I was pretty unsettled, so on the way in to work, I called Talis and left her a message to tell her what was going on. Then I had to teach. When I got out, I had a message waiting from Talis, and I have to say, I found it very off-putting.

"You are not to see your friend," she said. "You CAN NOT go to his house. The only way you can see him is to meet him at a meeting. And you must come see me after Tuesday night's meeting! I need to talk to you about some things..."

I understand that she had my best interest at heart, and I didn't particularly disagree with her suggestion. I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone.

I headed downtown to meet Hammer at the Tea Spot and to grade papers. As often happens with Hammer and Hyde, we talked a lot and didn't get enough work done. It's okay, though... I love our conversations. I told Hammer that I was upset at the message from my sponsor and I played it for her. She was taken aback and agreed that if she had received such a message, she would feel really negatively about it too. Soon enough, I had to leave for therapy. I called Brick and left him a message and hopped into a cab.

I played the message for my therapist too! She told me that it was "inappropriate" and not indicative of what the sponsor-sponsee relationship is about. She told me to tell my sponsor how I feel and not to build up a resentment. I was really nervous at that prospect.

In any case, as I came out of my therapists office, there was Brick slouched in the waiting room. I felt so protective of him and gave him a huge hug. He definitely had a look about him that I've never seen in him before-- "puffy eyed, cynical indifference" is the best way I can describe it. We set off on foot for my usual Monday night meeting and I bought him an ice cream along the way.

It was an 11th step "mediation meeting," and I had an interesting thought during the 10 minute "meditation." The 11th step talks about improving "conscious contact" with God through prayer and mediation. It's hard for me to have any kind of contact with God (granted, I'm not up to the 11th step yet!), but what I find happening is that I'm developing more conscious contact with myself and it's a weird feeling! At first, in the darkened silence, I started to think about Narc... fantasize... imagine him... Then I started to feel pain. Then I tried to block that pain out. Then it came back. And I tried to let myself feel it. I'm trying to get to know myself, because even with all of my introspection and critical self-analysis, I never really check in with what I'm feeling at any given moment. It's kind of a scary thing to try...

Anyway, during the meeting, Brick introduced himself and said he had "one day," which I know was really hard for him to do. Afterwards, a bunch of the guys came up to talk to him. He exchanged numbers with them and one of them offered to be an interim sponsor. My home group has a reputation in NY for being a little "Nazi-ish" about the rules and about staying "solution-oriented," but at the same time, it's a really energetic disciplined group, and the sponsors all really do their jobs. I felt confident, bringing Brick there, that he would finally get started on his step-work.

That night, Brick came with me back to my place. As for me? I called Talis to confront her about my discomfort, before I got alienated any further from the program. To my surprise, she apologized! Not only did she apologize, but she told me I'm right-- that she shouldn't tell me what to do; rather she can only make suggestions. She said that she knows that she often comes across as "abrasive" and that I have to remember that she's "only human."

"I just see myself in you," she said, "and I know how much I suffered in early recovery. I don't want you to think that sobriety has to mean suffering and so I just want you to do the right things. But I have to try to remember, that I can't control you. I have to 'let go and let god.'"

The talk made me feel a lot better and I'm glad that I actually confronted something rather than sitting on it. It was a good learning experience for me.

On Tuesday morning, Brick was skipping work again. Why? He had an important interview scheduled. I took very good care of him on Monday night and woke up early on Tuesday morning so that I could vote and go back to his place with him to cheer him on and check out his suit before his appointment. With Brick nervously on his way to the interview, I headed to the Upper West Side to meet B for lunch. While we ate, Brick called to tell me that the interview was a huge success!

From there, I went to teach. Afterwards, it was off to Tuesday night's mega-meeting. Brick met me out front, but ended up sitting with his "sponsor." I sat where I usually sit-- with Meema, who arrived half-hobbling after Sunday's race.

After the meeting, I took Brick over to meet Talis. Neither of them was at all what the other one thought. It was pretty funny. From there, Brick and I headed back to my place.

The next day, when I awoke, it was "gray and dreary, deary!" I had a lot of grading to do. Brick skipped work again and sat at my computer composing job-related emails. We ordered in Chinese food. I lay on my bed and listened to Baroque music. (Ah, the pathos!)

Mid-afternoon, I made a mistake. Brick and I had been telling each other stories from the past. I talked a lot about Air-7, a guy I dated in college. And also about ChoirMan-- my choir director from college-- the one I tried to contact last month, but the email bounced back to me. Anyway, I was prompted to pick up my journals from that time period. I shouldn't have done it. It really, REALLY fucked with my head. It sent me spinning off into a depression. I'd explain more about it, but I really don't want to go back there today. (As they say in AA, "My mind is a bad neighborhood. I shouldn't go walking through it alone!")

It left me a mess though... crying and everything. Brick tried to cheer me up a bit, but there wasn't much he could do. I'm sure he thinks I'm CRAZY after some of the stuff I told him-- stuff I've never told anyone before! I needed a quick fix. Something from the outside, or I would really just kill myself. The only thing I could think to do was to sing. It worked, although not as quickly or as thoroughly as a few lines would have done!

After that Brick went to his place to change his clothes and work out. I met him later at a Big Book meeting in my neighborhood. I met a cool girl at the meeting and we exchanged numbers. I have to remember to give her a call today. After the meeting, Brick and I went out to eat with my friend Lana and a very bizarre woman who appeared to be heavily medicated.

Then it was home for some ice cream and gossip in bed.

Today I woke up early to continue on with my grading. I am still pretty messed up by what I read in my journals. I feel sad and angry. I called ChoirMan where he works and left him a message. I don't know why.

I don't know... I feel like I should be happy today because it's my "six months." But I feel anxious and sad. The chaos that I use to cover everything is starting to give way and reveal the true issues and I'm not comfortable with it.

I don't know... I have to find a way to come to terms with the past. What scares me though, is that when I read that journal, I'm sure I had a mental illness. I'm sure of it. It makes me nauseas to think about. I spoke to Contessa last night. She tells me that she's getting married. It's good news. But, it's strange... GoldenFinch has a baby, Contessa is getting married... And of course, I'm thinking about VJ today, as it's her birthday. I'm so sad about how things just unraveled between us, but I guess that's just part of life. I forgot how much I used to worry about her. Those pages of my journal were filled with that-- sick with anxiety about her sickness. I wish I weren't so self-seeking, but having read all that, I feel even more betrayed by her. Getting sober has been the central struggle of my life-- the most difficult thing I have ever taken on... and yet, she is nowhere to be seen. She hasn't called once to ask me how I am or to say that she is proud of me or that she's thinking of me. When she didn't come to my dinner party this summer, I was hoping that it wasn't indicative of the bigger picture, but I was sadly disproved. I guess we didn't have much of a foundation for a real friendship after all...

Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. Brick can't make the meeting with me tonight because he has his therapist, so he's going to an earlier one. I may see him later on though. Tomorrow, my mom and my sisters are coming into the city to celebrate with me.

Oh-- and a long-awaited piece of furniture has FINALLY arrived! My "home improvements" are still underway!

As for Narc... my sweet, sweet Narc... I think that he is feeling guilty. He can't deal with me right now, and he pretty much said as much in his text a few days ago. I feel sick about it, but then again, I always do. I found some "love letters" written to Air-7 and what scares me is that with a few minor changes, they could have been written to Narc. I never realized how extremely I'm repeating what I went through eight years ago!

In any case, I called him today and left him a message. I'm tired of walking on egg-shells with him. I feel defeated and have decided to give in until I break, or he goes away for good. I think, at this point, I've proven to myself that I'm not going to break and I'm not going to die. So... that means I'll survive. And when I'm ready for this to be done, it will be done.

Okay... gotta dash off to my meeting now. I get my six-month coin tonight! Wouldn't miss it for the world...

love,
h

Would you believe it...?

2006-11-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

It's been six months!

I had to ask...

2006-11-08T18:18:00.000-05:00

Last night, I sent Narc a text:

You watching the election returns?

When I didn't get an answer (yet again!) I had to send him another:

PS: Good luck with your essay tomorrow. PPS: Are you not talking to me? Or just busy? Please let me know. Thinking of you. And not having the easiest week... :\

He wrote back to me at 2:00 am:

Essay put off for another week. Not doing well with the breathing. Cardiologist yesterday, pulmonologist tomorrow etc. Just trying to get better now. We'll see.

Half asleep, and with Brick snoring at my side, I mustered a reply:

Keep me posted. I am worried about you & here however I can help. Even if it's just to help w groceries or something... Miss you & hoping you figure this breathing thing out. Glad it's not that you're not talking to me for a reason. PS: Fell asleep to "soundscapes" tonight... :) Feel better!

To Sleep: Perchance to Dream

2006-11-07T15:20:00.000-05:00

Thursday night was a dream, I'm sure. A dream, because nothing so beautiful could have really come from the dusty and cobwebbed reality that Narc and I now are.

He wrote to me at 11:27: come out.

And so, I did.

When I got to his place, he wasn't on the roof at all, but rather was in his apartment playing Okami. He answered the door naked... old school. (Ha ha...) And he kissed me. And pulled off my clothes. It was strange though... I felt a little awkward about it and moved over to the couch, pulling a pillow over my lap. He kissed me again, and then went back to his game.

"Give me a minute. I just have to get to the next 'safe point,'" he said. "Then I can come 'entertain' you. I promise...!"

"Don't worry about it, Narc... take your time. What are you playing anyway?"

"Okami. I think I must have spent 30 hours on this game already. But I need your help to get past a puzzle. There's a puzzle point and I need your help with it. We have to solve it together."

Then he returned his focus to the game. I was content to watch... a magical wolf god flying with light.

But I was happier to watch him. To just watch him. I am completely and hopelessly in love with him. I know I can't be with him for much longer. I know he is going to be taken from me. And so, I love him sadly now. I won't leave him. I will wait for "us" to die.

"I'm almost there... I'm almost there," he kept saying, turning to look at me... leaning over to kiss me.

"Okay."

I was happy to be patient.

At long last, Narc reached the "puzzle" point-- he had to get past some "Blockhead" character who shows five points on the screen before they disappear and the player has to click on the exact spots where the points were revealed.

"I was doing this for hours yesterday," Narc confessed, "but I couldn't move past it. I need your help."

(I don't care that he was talking about a video game. Hearing those words from his lips was music to my ears!)

"Are you ready? Are you ready?" he asked. His words were slurred. "You have to be very careful. Memorize the screen, okay?"

"Okay."

"One... Two... Three!"

We missed it.

We tried again.

We missed it again.

"I'll just go up to the screen and point," I volunteered.

"Okay," he agreed. "I'll get the first three. You get the last two. Got it?"

"Got it!"

"You get numbers four and five. All right? Do you understand?"

"Yes. I understand."

"Four and five!"

"Yes, Narc!"

"Okay..."

So, there I stood... naked in front of his enormous flat screen, staring at an animated block of cement talk about how he was the ruler "of this shadowy realm."

We failed at our first attempt.

"Let's do it again," he insisted.

This time, we succeeded!

I never saw his face light up as it did just then. It was pure childlike joy, and it was the most wonderful gift in the world. He opened his arms up to me, beaming, and waiting for me to return to him on the couch. I did... folding myself into him with a kiss. He clasped his arms around me so tightly.

"We did it! We did it!" he kept saying in between kisses.

I don't think I've ever been happier.

After the "Blockhead," he still hadn't reached a safepoint. He got to a room where he needed a bridge.

"How about that beam above you?" I suggested.

"Perfect!" he exclaimed, kissing me again.

The only problem was that once across the bridge, he kept missing a jump and each time he fell, he was set back nearly all the way to the point he was at when I had arrived.

"Are they really sending me back here?!?" he exclaimed. "This is fucking unbelievable! That is just SO RUDE! I can't believe how RUDE the makers of this game are!"

I started cracking up.

"Rude, Narc? I don't know if I'd call it 'rude'!"

He laughed at himself with me. At least he didn't have to pass the Blockhead-puzzle point again.

Finally, he could do it no more. He tossed the controller onto the coffee table.

"I give up! I give up! These fuckers have invented an impossible game. Fuck it. I'm gonna sell it back tomorrow. I'm done with this bullshit!"

He switched his system back onto television and reached for me. I was glad he was finally ready for me.

I don't know why, but something was different that night. Skin to skin, something felt perfect to me. Something felt right. There was no doubt... no conflict for me at all. He took me to bed.

"I love you, darling," he said.

I believe him now unequivocally. I have absolutely no doubt. It's strange how that comes in the end.

We must have had sex a dozen times between that night and the following morning. The whole night was punctuated by it, half asleep... in a dream... (And by the way... I think I've been watching WAY too much porn, because it was giving me all sorts of new ideas. With the kind of stuff I watch, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.)

We stayed in bed for a long time together in the morning.

"I like the new ceramic penguin," I said, staring up at the shelf.

"Yeah. That one actually is from Russia. The rest just have Russian names."

"What did you think of Moscow?" I asked, tentatively.

"I don't know... what did you think?"

"I was only there for a few days," I told him, "and I didn't particularly like it."

"Me neither. PopStar kept saying what a 'romantic' city it is. Not quite... unless you find blocks of concrete romantic!"

I didn't want to talk about her, so I let it alone.

Narc started to tell me that he had interviewed an actress for his screenplay the night before.

"She totally looks the part," he kept saying. "She looks like Angela. But, I wasn't getting that spark from her."

"You should have her read," I suggested.

"Yeah. Obviously... I will."

After a lot more sex, when we finally got out of bed, Narc suggested brunch. He ordered us crepes and I made a pot of coffee, but he was out of cream.

"I can run across the street and get you some," I volunteered.

"No, I'll go with you," he said, pulling on his jacket.

I was shocked. He never volunteers to go with me for stuff like that.

Back at his place, he flicked on the television.

"Did I ever save that game last night?" he asked.

"No, Narc! You said you were going to give up, remember? You just left it running and turned the screen back to television..."

"No way! So I didn't save it? We have to pass blockhead again? Shit! You can't go until we do that."

"I have to be out of here by 1:00 though," I told him. "I'm going to Long Island today."

"Not if I keep you captive!"

He started to play again. I just lay with my head on his lap, looking up at him while he played. Then I got up and cleaned up his living room while I was waiting for Mr. Blockhead to appear.

It took us a few tries to again blow the puzzle to pieces, but we did it. Narc kissed me warmly again. Then back to his bedroom for more sex. I was as happy as I know how to be.

But soon, it was the witching hour. I had to leave him. He was laying outstretched on the couch again at that point. I climbed on top of him and embraced him. He kissed me some more.

"I'll see you soon?" I smiled.

"Yes, definitely."

But, he suddenly seemed uneasy. I tried to ignore it as I left.

On the train on my way to Long Island, I took a picture of the trees outside my window. The world was rich with red and gold.

The leaves are turning. Get thee to Central Park! I wrote.

He didn't respond.

Much later that night, before bed, I wrote to him again: How was Borat? I asked.

He didn't respond.

The next day, back in the city, I called him and left a message asking if he had found my cell phone charger.

No charger here, he wrote back.

So cold... so cold.

Thanks. I'll check with my mom, I said. Everything okay with you?

He didn't answer.

Much later that night, I called him again. He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message.

By Sunday, I was sick with anxiety.

I love him, I love him, I love him. I need to vomit.

I sent him another text message.

At the marathon, I wrote.

He didn't respond.

By Sunday evening, I was about ready to vomit. Instead, I scrubbed my kitchen floor with a toothbrush and tried to sexualize the experience. Then, I called him and left him a message.

Hey Narc, it's me, I said. I'm just calling to say hi and see how you are. I haven't heard from you since Friday, and I don't know... I just sort of have a bad feeling... that something's wrong. So, I guess I'm just calling to see if you're okay... and to tell you that I'm thinking about you.

(Then I panicked that my message sounded too overbearing, so I changed tones.)

Anyway... I'm having a pretty good day... cleaned my house and now grading some exams! So, just give me a ring when you get a chance-- if not tonight, then tomorrow... whenever. I hope you're well and that your travel essay is coming along. Okay! :) Bye!

I don't know... I'm sick of walking on eggshells and losing. But all I know is that I love him. Hammer has convinced me of his "Mr. Big-ness." (See the following episodes if you don't believe me: The Domino Effect or Cock-a-doodle-do).

Anyway, there was a lot more to the weekend, but I'll come back and talk about all of that later. I have to go work on my grading for now...

love,

an anxious and lonely hyde